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AIBU?

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Original poster

To end my marriage over this.

316 replies

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 17:58

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

OP posts:
minidancer · 23/07/2022 18:18

Can you still take the kids on holiday? It might give him time to move out. It's an awful thing to go through but better than spending the rest of your life wondering and not trusting

Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 18:18

I hope that he will be the one to leave but I have a feeling he will dig his heels in and won't go. I don't know where I will go, I can't afford to buy a place or rent by myself in our area, I don't want to have to move my kids away from their schools and friends. Or leave my job which is here, it's all such a mess, I wish I was stronger

OP posts:
1stTimeMama · 23/07/2022 18:19

I'd have left at the first instance I think and not got this far in to it. You can't trust him, and without that, what do you have? You'll never be able to relax, and I think you'd be far happier without him. Hard yes, but best for you.

AllFreeOwls · 23/07/2022 18:19

It would be a deal-breaker for me. Although he says he hasn't actually visited one that was clearly the intent to do so in the future (although more than likely he already has).

Bananarama21 · 23/07/2022 18:19

The proof is right there infront of you, what more do you need op mutulple escorts. He clearly has a pattern. Life is too short to put up with it.

Robotcustard · 23/07/2022 18:20

There’s no way he’s got that many phone numbers and has visited these places without going through with it - and by the sound of it multiple times. That’s bad enough, but he’s lying to you too and trying to make you feel bad and like you’re to blame. Kick him out now (I don’t know if you will need it, but I would record the evidence on his phone in case you need it for divorce etc).

Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 18:20

minidancer · 23/07/2022 18:18

Can you still take the kids on holiday? It might give him time to move out. It's an awful thing to go through but better than spending the rest of your life wondering and not trusting

I could but I'm a bit scared to take the kids away by myself in case anything were to happen... might sound silly. I also don't think he will leave

OP posts:
mrs55 · 23/07/2022 18:20

Stay strong get angry and stand up to him he's huffing and puffing because he's not getting his own way! Tell him you know what he's done and it's over and that's that, do you currently rent or own the house ? Or is it his house I saw that your married so you would be entitled to half the house if you divorced if he does indeed own it. If you rent I'd move out and start afresh with the kids.

Holidayy · 23/07/2022 18:21

Of course he has had sex with them. Lots of them and for a long time. This clearly isn't new to him. Wonder how much money he has spent on this filthy habit while you were meant to be saving up.

You don't need any more "proof". He's a disgusting liar and a cheat who has no respect for women. He hates them that much he rents their bodies. Vile.

Book an STD test, tell him to leave, go on holiday with your children and take the savings. Good luck, you'll be ok.

Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 18:22

Robotcustard · 23/07/2022 18:20

There’s no way he’s got that many phone numbers and has visited these places without going through with it - and by the sound of it multiple times. That’s bad enough, but he’s lying to you too and trying to make you feel bad and like you’re to blame. Kick him out now (I don’t know if you will need it, but I would record the evidence on his phone in case you need it for divorce etc).

I know, I keep thinking TEN numbers saved... why would he save that many numbers? I screen shotted evidence from his phone and sent it to myself

OP posts:
minidancer · 23/07/2022 18:22

Be brave and take them, you will cope and probably enjoy bits of it. As for him not leaving.....say you are going on holiday to think and that when you get back you'd like a few weeks space. Make him believe it's temporary to get him out then never let him back. You will be as strong as you need to be, it won't feel like it now but you really will be.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 23/07/2022 18:23

End it and get an STI test. And ask the bastard how he’d feel about his DD being a prostitute? You can do far better than this poor excuse for a man who clearly hates and disrespects women.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/07/2022 18:23

Your marriage is dead. I'm very sorry it must be extremely painful but the sooner you extricate yourself from this, the better. Do you work/have your own money?

Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 18:24

mrs55 · 23/07/2022 18:20

Stay strong get angry and stand up to him he's huffing and puffing because he's not getting his own way! Tell him you know what he's done and it's over and that's that, do you currently rent or own the house ? Or is it his house I saw that your married so you would be entitled to half the house if you divorced if he does indeed own it. If you rent I'd move out and start afresh with the kids.

We privately rent, we've been saving for a house and have about 30k saved up. The money is thankfully in a savings account in my name that only I have access to but I know he's still entitled to half. I do feel angry, we currently have his son here for a week and my two children are here, I don't want the kids to know anything is wrong yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 18:25

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/07/2022 18:23

Your marriage is dead. I'm very sorry it must be extremely painful but the sooner you extricate yourself from this, the better. Do you work/have your own money?

Yes I work in an office, I earn 28k a year and we have around 30k in savings

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 23/07/2022 18:27

Sorry you are going through this. It does sound to me like he has used these services but is pretending he hasn't (if not why so many? And if he's put an address in that's incredibly suspicious.) Even if he hadn't gone through with it he clearly wants to which is still bad enough! Not enough sex is no excuse if a man loves you he will remain loyal through dry patches!

Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 18:33

mrs55 · 23/07/2022 18:20

Stay strong get angry and stand up to him he's huffing and puffing because he's not getting his own way! Tell him you know what he's done and it's over and that's that, do you currently rent or own the house ? Or is it his house I saw that your married so you would be entitled to half the house if you divorced if he does indeed own it. If you rent I'd move out and start afresh with the kids.

I do think moving out and starting afresh with the kids is my best option but I don't think I earn enough to be able to rent a 3 bed on my wage alone

OP posts:
Whitehorsegirl · 23/07/2022 18:34

So sorry you have to go through this.

I would end it. he lied to you about contacting prostitutes and he also tried to blame you for it (by saying you did not have sex often enough...). Which is already pretty vile. Then he did it again.

Kick him out, get yourself tested for STIs and get a divorce.

You don't need to have proof that he slept with these women or not, his behaviour is enough to end it. The man has no respect for you and is acting like a petulant, selfish, immature teenager.

I really don't understand the mindset of men who would risk their family and relationship just to hire an escort. If he had issues about your love life he should have discussed it with you.

SunshineAndFizz · 23/07/2022 18:35

I'd say that was proof to me.

JessesMum777888 · 23/07/2022 18:38

I’m on holiday on my own with my son (12)deciding what I want to do with my life. (That’s a whole other post) nothing bads happened , in fact we’ve had so much fun , go be brave take the kids and have some fun. Rant on here when there asleep … I can do it so can you xxx

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2022 18:39

I do think moving out and starting afresh with the kids is my best option but I don't think I earn enough to be able to rent a 3 bed on my wage alone

First thing to do is work out if you would be entitled to child support and benefits if you are alone. First small step.

CactusBlossom · 23/07/2022 18:40

This is awful. End it now, you cannot trust him. Get yourself tested for STDs. Get legal advice. Document everything. You do not want to be buying a house with this man, at least that step has not been taken. Better to suffer a loss financially than suffer this torment and where it might lead.

Albgo · 23/07/2022 18:43

Not only do you have a partner that regularly pays for sex, he lies about it even when caught and blames you for it.

He's 100% paying for sex.

BellePeppa · 23/07/2022 18:49

OP can you really stay with him when god only knows how many escorts he’s dipping his wick in then coming back to you. Even if he hasn’t actually ‘done’ anything can you really be happy with someone who persistently trawls escort sites, sending nude selfies and the risk of STDs not to mention the disrespect and betrayal to you.

MyEasterEggs · 23/07/2022 18:51

You earn enough, and also have enough savings to put down a deposit, possibly a double deposit if landlord was concerned about affordability.

I’d tell him it’s over and tell him to leave. If you don’t want to upset the children, tell him he’s on the sofa then gone by the weekend so you can have time to consider next steps. And don’t let him gaslight you into believing you’re in any way responsible for the impact on the children.

Also agree with the advice about testing for STDs. Tell him you’re going for a test so he understands the gravity of the situation and the harm his behaviour has caused. What an absolute cretin.

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