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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end my marriage over this.

316 replies

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 17:58

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

OP posts:
MisgenderedPaul · 23/07/2022 18:53

Op. I am sorry you are going through this but I don't think you need any further proof. Go on gov.uk website and search benefits calculator. If you put your info in as a single person with 2 dc you might find you can get some extra help if you leave him.

Hereforaccountability · 23/07/2022 18:54

So sorry OP, this is horrendous for you.

Don't tell him you're ending the marriage - he's not an honest guy and may hide assets or something if he knows. Go to the CAB for their advice and see a solicitor. Do this while pretending things are continuing as normal.

Again, so sorry for you Flowers

Original poster
strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 18:55

I have ordered an at home STD kit for all those advising that and I just want to say thank you to everyone for replying, I don't feel as alone and confused as I did when I posted my thread x

OP posts:
malificent7 · 23/07/2022 18:58

I recommend everyone else's advice. Get what you are entitled to and leave...you deserve better...onwards and upwards op.

Holidayy · 23/07/2022 18:59

I'd threaten to expose him to all and sundry for the vile pervert he truly is unless he leaves quietly and without a fuss.

And I'd mean it.

Limecoconutice · 23/07/2022 19:01

Oh I feel so sorry for you op. What a horrid prick he is and stupid too to break up his family.

Trust me, you may feel desperately despondent now but you WILL be strong enough. As a pp said, take it in very small steps bit by bit. Get some legal advice about him potentially not leaving the home. Take your time. Get the documents you need lined up (proof of salaries etc).

Do you have any friends or family who can support you in rl?

Hold your head up high op. You really don’t want your dc exposed to this lying and seediness. You can do it and you will eventually be happier for it too.

Whydidimarryhim · 23/07/2022 19:02

Hi op sorry you are experiencing this - he’s been seeing escorts I’m bet my life on it.
Please look up entitled to - it’s a benefit calculator - you maybe entitled to tax credits and help with housing - he will need to pay maintenance too - do it today as this will help with your decision making.
Can he afford to stay there?

TwoMonthsOff · 23/07/2022 19:03

38 and perving on teenagers 🤮 how horrendous

girlmom21 · 23/07/2022 19:06

TwoMonthsOff · 23/07/2022 19:03

38 and perving on teenagers 🤮 how horrendous

Teenagers only a couple of years older than his daughter 🤮

CassieLane · 23/07/2022 19:08

In a similar situation, coincidentally I had an appointment with my GP. My condition suggested Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. The GP also talked about chlamydia being a cause. That bit is true….( and subsequently my pain was cleared with aspirin…😂)

As I was suspicious of my partner, I ‘embellished’ 😊the GP’s advice ( with the help of some internet reading) and told him that my GP had suggested that I had chlamydia and that anyone I had slept with had to be tested. It was enough for my partner to confess ( he had no choice as we both knew I didn’t sleep around). He duly trotted off to his STD test and when he found out he was clear, I told him I was too.

Of course, by then I’d ended our relationship.

TwoMonthsOff · 23/07/2022 19:08

@girlmom21
despicable and unforgivable

JuneJuly · 23/07/2022 19:08

Funny isn't it, how so many husbands will talk about work & hobbies to their wives but keep quiet about pursuing this sort of thing.

I wonder what their explanation would be for hiding it & doing it so sneakily if they genuinely thought they weren't doing anything wrong or that it shouldn't be a problem 🤔

Happyher · 23/07/2022 19:09

strawberryice90 · 23/07/2022 18:33

I do think moving out and starting afresh with the kids is my best option but I don't think I earn enough to be able to rent a 3 bed on my wage alone

Show quote history

Go to citizens advice centre and check if you might be entitled to Housing Benefit or UC if you are on a low income

ChinnyTroubles · 23/07/2022 19:11

Entitledto.com is really helpful. You will probably get UC which will help with the rent.

It was actually going on holiday alone with DCs that made me think "yes, I can do this". Really gave me the confidence I needed. 12 years later, NO regrets whatsoever for divorcing exH.

You can do it @strawberryice90 you are stronger than you know.

mrs55 · 23/07/2022 19:17

@strawberryice90
Good news that you've ordered a test, if you do feel up to it please go on holiday without him you will need the break, agree with the others about entitled to and also child maintenance if you share a child where abouts in the country are you based ? You'd have £15,000 from the savings and then your wage and any maintenance if you could get a mortgage and use that as a deposit or use it to pay rent in advance for a few month NatWest are good they take full maintenance and any benefits into consideration. He sounds awful op and he's gaslighting you as though your the crazy one for dare accusing him of sleeping with prostitutes stop putting everyone's feelings and upset ahead of your own including the children and tell him to go it's time for you to put yourself first you didn't cause this he did now he has to live with the very real consequences of his actions! Stay strong op I know how soul destroying cheating is I wouldn't wish it on anyone but you'll be far better off without him .

Raul57 · 23/07/2022 19:19

OP, did he cheat to be with you when you met?

Londonderry34 · 23/07/2022 19:20

Yeah....he likes a young prostitute. Poor girls.

DemelzaandRoss · 23/07/2022 19:22

Unforgivable, vile behaviour. Do not stay with this man one moment longer. Totally unacceptable. Also, horrible for the children.
So sorry you are in this situation, for no fault of your own. Good luck .

TwoMonthsOff · 23/07/2022 19:27

@strawberryice90
sorry this has happened, but you would have perhaps been better checking bank account and credit card transactions and getting some proof before confronting him, (i know it’s difficult though to wait ) as it is also you know deep down that a dodgy looking blacked out windowed premises with cards round it is nefarious, can you imagine the horrible conditions in a place like that yet he is happy to exploit women. He’s 100% lying to your face don’t let him treat you like this you deserve so much more.

Herejustforthisone · 23/07/2022 19:27

To join the voice in your head, please have a voice in real life.

You’d be utterly stupid to believe him.

CornishTiger · 23/07/2022 19:30

You need to also test in Six weeks weeks time

InFiveMins · 23/07/2022 19:30

On a salary of £28k a year you'll manage it, you're in a better position than most and if you split the £30k savings you'll have a safety buffer of £15k - more than enough to start a new life.

Get rid of him - you really do deserve so much more. Flowers

Lagertha6 · 23/07/2022 19:35

Really sorry OP.

I'd leave. Can't put up with that. It's a major thing, not like he borrowed your car without telling you.

He shouldn't be on his knees begging you for another chance. Instead he's sulking making you feel bad. That's manipulative and gaslighting.

32 is still young, don't put up with that xxx

ozymandiusking · 23/07/2022 19:35

In your situation, I wouldn't want to go on holiday with the children and leave him behind. Unless you have managed to sort out your finances and got him out of the house.
It sounds as though you are going to need every penny you can get. You don't know what he will do if left behind, he might clear the house out and take electrical goods etc that you will then have to replace.
My friend went shopping with their joint credit card and bought things like Coffee Persi, expensive necessary groceries, and stored them away for leaner times. If you follow my drift.
Tell him he has to go now. He'll find some where. And explain to the children giving as little information as possible. x

ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 23/07/2022 19:35

Potentially you might consider looking at 2 bed properties if they have a 2nd reception room or reasonable sized lounge. You could then sleep in there on a sofa bed. Not ideal but it might make your rent more affordable in the short term and give you time to work out what you want to do longer term.