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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

294 replies

User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:26

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

OP posts:
Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 22/07/2022 22:30

I think you’re well within your rights to stick to your guns, particularly if you know the responsibility is going to mostly fall to you.

If your husband and his ex wife want really want DSD to keep the dog then they can pay for a dog walker etc.

SarahSissions · 22/07/2022 22:30

Stick to your guns and you will forever be the evil stepmother who made DSD give up the family pet. It’s really no hardship for you to take the dog and the ex-wife can take it back when you want to go on holiday.

cadburyegg · 22/07/2022 22:31

YANBU. Stand your ground

Original poster
User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:32

SarahSissions · 22/07/2022 22:30

Stick to your guns and you will forever be the evil stepmother who made DSD give up the family pet. It’s really no hardship for you to take the dog and the ex-wife can take it back when you want to go on holiday.

It's no hardship? Have you ever owned a dog?

OP posts:
Original poster
User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:32

And this is what I'm finding really frustrating. I'm not making her give up anything. Her mum should never have gotten her in the first place, I don't see why I should be blamed for this.

OP posts:
FabulouslyFab · 22/07/2022 22:33

If you don’t want a dog even just a little bit, then don’t have one! If you are cast as the bad guy it really doesn’t matter - it would be much worse having to deal with a dog that you don’t want!! Yes, it would be left to you, no matter hubby’s good intentions, especially once dark nights and bad weather returns.
(I love dogs and regularly dog sit my ‘grand dogs’ - but I can give them back!! )

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2022 22:34

I don't know what to do

Yes you do, you're just preventing yourself from being assertive out of totally misplaced guilt.

The answer is NO. FUCK NO. You will absolutely be stuck doing the vast majority of doggie care, and you will become more resentful by the minute.

Your husband's ex is 100% responsible for this disaster, let her deal with it. Put your foot down and say NO WAY.

SemperIdem · 22/07/2022 22:34

A GSD needs an absolute tonne of exercise and stimulation to be happy. They are not an easy “companion dog breed”. If it was a bichon I’d persuade suggest you were being a bit mean. However I think you are absolutely right to dig your heels in here.

SemperIdem · 22/07/2022 22:35

^perhaps not persuade

Original poster
User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:35

FabulouslyFab · 22/07/2022 22:33

If you don’t want a dog even just a little bit, then don’t have one! If you are cast as the bad guy it really doesn’t matter - it would be much worse having to deal with a dog that you don’t want!! Yes, it would be left to you, no matter hubby’s good intentions, especially once dark nights and bad weather returns.
(I love dogs and regularly dog sit my ‘grand dogs’ - but I can give them back!! )

Yes I really don't want one, even a little bit. We've discussed it when our last DDog passed and said we'd have another in the future but not until our DC was older as it's too much right now and not what I want to be dealing with during the day.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 22/07/2022 22:35

Your DH is being a real arsehole here. It's understandable that DSD can't see past "but I want it", but your DH has no excuse. He's being really disrespectful allowing you to be railroaded into this when he knows you don't want it.

Nobody should own a dog they don't want. It's not fair on you or the dog.

SemperIdem · 22/07/2022 22:36

Agree that the ex wife is totally at fault here and your husband needs to be clear on this with his daughter, so you don’t end up being resented.

Original poster
User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:37

SemperIdem · 22/07/2022 22:34

A GSD needs an absolute tonne of exercise and stimulation to be happy. They are not an easy “companion dog breed”. If it was a bichon I’d persuade suggest you were being a bit mean. However I think you are absolutely right to dig your heels in here.

YY re the breed not being easy! (Our last was a GS and I loved him so much but he could be a handful when he was young).

But I'm fairly sure no matter what the breed my answer wouldn't be any different. I don't want a dog no matter what it is.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 22/07/2022 22:37

Full disclosure, I am a massive dog lover. I lost my beloved old boy around a month ago, can't have another dog for the forseeable future because reasons so i think I have the credentials to say this
You are not being unreasonable
If you don't want to have the dog then don't do it. Your husband should be supporting YOU. A child cannot take on responsibilty to care for any pet without a lot of adult supervision and you as the SAH will end up doing it.
I loved having dogs. I used to work part time before I retired and DH worked full time so most of the dog care was on me. When DH died almost 11 years ago I was left with two litter brothers who were supposed to be the beloved companions of our early retirement years. They were what got me through dark times and what got me up in the morning. I loved and valued every minute of their lives but were they hard work and huge responsibility? hell yes. But I knew it and I chose it.

again i say, your husband should be supporting YOU and your DSD doesn't get to choose on a matter which primarily will affect you.

LightSpeeds · 22/07/2022 22:38

Stick to your guns.

Looking after a dog is a huge responsibility and you'll end up shouldering most of it (for years).

Having a dog means thinking about it ALL the time. Every plan you make means also making a plan for the dog. Unless you 100% want a dog, don't get one -- it's unfair on you (and on the animal).

LandladyMaybe · 22/07/2022 22:38

Oh, I feel for you Op. You've been put into a horrible position by adults who should know better.

You and your husband need a united front on this issue to prevent you from being painted as the bad guy. Sit him down and tell him that you don't want a dog, and that's the end of it. It is then your husband's responsibly to speak to DSD about this.

Original poster
User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:39

Thanks I just feel like all the blame has been deflected away from his bloody ex who got the poor dog in the first place. Everyone's mad at me when it should be her!

OP posts:
Purpleforthewin · 22/07/2022 22:40

German shepherds need a lot of time and attention as the ex had now realised. If you have a young child, it will be difficult. They really are underestimating the work involved.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/07/2022 22:41

just googled - average lifespan of a GS is 9 to 13 years.
how long are you planning to be a SAHM?

Whoatealltheminieggs · 22/07/2022 22:41

Absolutely do not agree to this. It’s his mother’s responsibility to feel guilty over this. Dogs are very very hard work especially with small children. I really resent my husband’s dog especially since having a baby. My toddler sits in its basket which I am constantly having to launder because the dog stinks. It poops all over the lawn so before I can let the toddler play in the garden I have to pick up all this dog shit. Not to mention the task of trying to keep the toddler out of the it’s food and water. It’s just added work nobody needs. Stand firm.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/07/2022 22:42

If I were you, I would be furious with my husband for putting this pressure on me and taking his bloody ex wife's side in all this. Like hell should you stand for being made the bad guy.

Shelby2010 · 22/07/2022 22:45

Agree with previous posters that you shouldn’t take on a dog that you don’t want.

As a compromise - to avoid being ‘mean stepmum’ - maybe you could offer for the dog to come with DSD for contact time. Presumably DH will then be available for dog duties & it will give exW a break. If she had difficulty the other times then she needs to sort walkers or day care.

Original poster
User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:46

I don't necessarily think it's that he's taken his exes side, he agreed she'd been feckless but he's softened since seeing how upset his daughter is and has now backed down. I get it, she's extremely upset, lots of tears and begging but she's a child, she doesn't understand the ins and outs of what she's asking and we can't base this decision on simply pleasing her imo. This all just needs to be batted back over to his ex to explain to their daughter!

OP posts:
Original poster
User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:47

Shelby2010 · 22/07/2022 22:45

Agree with previous posters that you shouldn’t take on a dog that you don’t want.

As a compromise - to avoid being ‘mean stepmum’ - maybe you could offer for the dog to come with DSD for contact time. Presumably DH will then be available for dog duties & it will give exW a break. If she had difficulty the other times then she needs to sort walkers or day care.

But then where does it go when she's in school? She's here 50:50.

OP posts:
Original poster
User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:49

His ex just seems to be taking the angelic hands up approach of 'oh I'm so sorry sweetie that daddy and user won't take her'. Forgetting that this whole mess is her doing. It should never have been made our problem. It's so unfair.

OP posts:
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