Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

[User18283]

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

100% doggy person here. YANBU. Both main householders (ie you and your DH) need to be completely on board to get a dog. SD doesn't really get a say as she won't be paying the for it bills! Your DH is being incredibly unfair, I think. His ex is transferring blame to him and he's shifting it to you, with back up from DSD. Stick to your guns and have a serious word with DH about using you so that he doesn't become the bad guy.

For gods sake don't back down.

As the SAH parent you will absolutely bear the brunt of looking after the dog.

Your DH's Ex took on a new job knowing it would impede her ability to look after her dog. That was her choice and it's on her.

It's not your responsibility to become the fall guy for her decisions and your DH should be backing you on this.

A dog is a huge responsibility and it has to be one all the family is on board with and not pressured/blackmailed into.

If you SC is upset, then it's her mother she can be upset with - she's the one re-homing the dog, when presumably she could look at other options such as dog walkers etc (or not taking a job that means she can't look after the dog properly).

Personally I'd be hugely pissed off at being put in this position and being made to be the bad person here and I'd make that clear to "D"H. He should have your back on this and not putting pressure on you and also enabling his child to shift her resentment/upset to someone who doesn't deserve it.

As a compromise - to avoid being ‘mean stepmum’

To fuck with that nonsense. Why should the op compromise about something that is a HUGE commitment that she never asked for or wanted and is not her responsibility? Caring for a dog is no small thing.

I love my dog but having one really is a bind. You're the one it will affect as a SAHM as you'll be the one who has to plan her life around making sure the dog isn't left alone for more than a couple of hours, walking it, training it, just basically being it's primary carer. YANBU at all to say no. They are all BU for even putting this on you. Say no op as if you have the dog, even when you grow to love the dog, (which you would), you will gradually resent your DH more and more every time you have to alter your plans to accommodate the dog. Speaking from experience

If it's no hardship, then the actual fucking owner who wanted the dog and now can't be arsed with it can suck it up can't she, and have some accountability. It's her dog! Don't be so wilfully stupid.

If the dog is no hardship and so easy for DSD to take care of then the mum should be able to keep her right?

I'm a dog lover and owner.

Do not accept responsibility for solving a problem you did not create. It does not matter how much of the dogs care would fall to you; you do not want a dog and that is perfectly reasonable. I would hand it back to your husband and make it quite clear that you will not tolerate him painting you as the bad guy. He needs to step up and comfort his daughter without laying blame at the wrong door.

Keep saying no.

Don't have a dog foisted upon you, stand your ground. Better to be the bad guy for a week than having a pet you don't want for years to come.

I wouldn't mind myself unpopular if it meant I didn't get lumbered with a poxy dog for the next 10 years.

So you take the angelic "I'm so sorry you mum decided to take a job that means she can't look after the dog anymore".

Your DH needs to pull his head out of his arse and back you up. He needs to tell his DD that you are not in a position to have a dog right now and that her mother needs to consider her options such as dog walkers etc. In other words stopping the Ex trying to shift the blame here.

Looking after a toddler and a dog you don't want will be a bloody nightmare and you'll bitterly resent them all if you back down.

Frankly it's really shitty behaviour from Ex and your DH and I'd be really pretty angry at the attempts to railroad you.

making myself

Stick to your guns.

I have a dog and work with dogs and an unwanted dog is nothing but trouble. Honestly - whatever anger and resentment you feel now will only increase when you're the one doing all the care, the long walks, picking up poo in the garden, the vet appointments and the medication.

I've seen it happen so many times. One person wants the dog and agrees to do all the work. Second person agrees. Then reality kicks in and second person ends up doing way more than their fair share and ultimately it ruins relationships and the dog is always the one to suffer.

Unless you're 1,000,000% on board, don't do it.

"I'm so sorry honey, that your mummy can't keep her"

"Why cant you take her?"

"Same reasons as your mummy darling. This is exactly why we didn't get one of our own after ddog died. I'm so sorry it must he really hard to hear that your mum is removing her"

Yes I really don't want one, even a little bit. We've discussed it when our last DDog passed and said we'd have another in the future but not until our DC was older as it's too much right now and not what I want to be dealing with during the day.

I think as you’re planning to get a dog in the future anyway then I would consider it but only if they do all of the walking, feeding, cleaning etc.
During the day it will just sleep.

I am biased as I have a dog myself and my mum has promised that if I die she’ll take in my dog and my DD as I’d never want my DDs dog taken away from her.

I completely get why you’re so frustrated with the ex as she’s been completely irresponsible and now everyone is having to clean up her mess.

However you need to separate your feelings of the ex with how you actually feel about the dog.

Madness. You didn’t buy the bloody dog, it’s not your responsibility. It’s not your problem and you’re not being mean. Outrageous it’s being positioned that way. Say no, no, no fucking way. Nothing on earth would convince me to share my home with a dog. Not my husband, step kids, their mother or my own child. Not a chance in hell. Tell him you’re not discussing it again, it’s ridiculous he ever asked you to have it or tried to negotiate with you about it. His ex is the problem, his daughter is their shared responsibility and you’re no one’s fool.

I'm so sorry DSD but it's very important when you take on a dog that you think about it's whole life and whether you'll be able to look after it for years and years and give it all the care and attention it needs. It's actually very irresponsible to take on a dog unless every member of the family is absolutely committed to the dog, not just now but for its whole life, because it's like having another baby in the house, and I would not be being fair to the dog if I agreed to look after it when I don't have the time to give it all the attention it deserves. I hope your mummy can kind a solution and if she keeps the dog we can look after it sometimes, but I'm sorry I absolutely can't have a dog, and I know I would be doing the wrong thing if I agreed to have a dog I can't commit to and make part of the family for ever"

I just wouldn't even entertain the conversation. Nothing to do with you; not your responsibility.

Hell to the yes, a million times.

Why can’t the ex get a dog walker if the only reason she can’t cope is a different job?

You asked for people's opinions. Rather unfair to get stroppy if people don't say what you want them to.

This is not your problem. You don't want a dog. You didn't get a dog. You are not going to take on hers or anyone else's dog. You are not responsible for anyone's emotional fallout from other people's decisions.

Good job she didn’t get stroppy then. You don’t have to answer her question but it’s a fair one.

It is unfair.

The key point is you can't take the dog. The dog needs a main carer who both wants and is able to take care of it. You don't want to, your husband can't, being aware of this is the reason you haven't picked another dog yourself.

DH should see it and stay in the side of "no", he can't task you with animal.

You are not being unreasonable at all. If your DH takes the dog, insist on a house cleaner and dog walker see what he says then.

Poor dog though- not your problem at all but his ex is a twit. Why can’t she get a walker? Sitter what have you? If your DH and DSD are that upset then they can pay for the walker to attend the exes house!