Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

[User18283]

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

honestly OP? I'd say "no dog" until i was blue in the face and if it ever appeared? well, you'll be home alone with it, down to the animal shelter it goes. And then you go home and pack and leave.

Some fucking golden replies on here. 😂😂 Stick to your guns op. Some people just put up with shite that really they shouldn't.

No I wasn't suggesting you should! Absolutely not. I was just wondering if you could point that out to your DH if it was a factor as to why you shouldn't!

Absolutely this….
Shes made a bad decision and needs to learn that actions have consequences. It’s not your fault and shouldn’t be your problem.
There is no way I would be taking on that dog. And DSD will get over it…
I suspect her mum doesn’t want to be the big bad villain here….
Stand firm

Just to say, it's inevitable that the person at home most is the one that has to deal with the dog isn't it? However good the other person's intentions are - if it wees on the floor at 9am or rips open the bin and you're at home with a toddler there's no option to wait for your OH to get home is there?

DH and I shared all dog care scrupulously when it was just the 2 of us and we both WOTH. Then I was a SAHM for years and it all became my job. Now I'm out at work and DH wfh and ends up doing most of it . So I'd definitely say the person at home should have the most say.

Absolutely as above.

I wonder if the posters saying the OP doesn't get to make the decision about whether to take the dog would really be willing to take over the care and expense of someone else's bloody great dog that they don't want, and look after it all day every day and exercise it every day, while looking after a small child as well, while the DSD and DH are out of the house.

I rather suspect they wouldn't.

OP, I'm with you, it's a massive sacrifice they're asking of you and it's not fair. Your DH is being an absolute dick. Don't give in.

If your husband can take the dog to work with him everyday then fine. If not then no if you don't want the responsibility

Confused by some of these replies. It absolutely is your final say and as a dog owner who loves their young dog, it’s massively life changing. The cost of food, toys, grooming, dog walkers adds up to a lot. Then there’s the rushing back from outings so dog hasn’t been on their own too long or even declining plans because of dog. Why should you have to change your life completely for the next 10+ years because someone else was so irresponsible.
Why isn’t the owner bending over backwards to get a job that suits her dog since she made the decision she would commit to those choices.
we love our dog but after only a year of dog ownership I won’t be having another after him. I don’t regret our decision because we love him and the benefits of having him in his it lives outweighs everything else, but we thought this through for years and waited until our children were older and it was compatible with our lives. Where I see us in 10+ years dog ownership won’t be compatible

So depressing to see the same old fashioned
misogyny. Where women’s domestic labour is considered of no value or worth. And the fact that she’s doing it means she has no say in anything.

Her job is to be a skivvy for her husband, her husband’s children, and any other massive unwanted animal her husband’s ex decides to casually discard when she can no longer be fucked with it, apparently.

Presumably, according to you, if she had a job she would be ‘allowed’ to say no?

And it’s not the husband spending money on his DD. It’s the husband spending money on his ex’s unwanted dog. Big difference.

Haven't RTFT but agree wholeheartedly with Inusealready at 22:11 and I'm another voice saying HELL NO
Also, for your amusement, a selection of prices in the vet practice where I work, for GSD sized dog:

Scale and polish teeth ~£400
2 night's hospitalisation on fluids for sick GSD that I saw this evening est £550, will likely need further workup
Sedated and Xrayed a Golden Retriever's elbows today and sent home with a couple of week's worth of NSAIDs £400. It's arthritic at the age of 6 (common enough in large breeds) and may need monthly Librela injections for life can't remember cost but approx £90-120/inj I think. Her hips are OK thankfully; hip replacement at referral surgeon is £5k per hip - he is cheap.
Booked a labrador in for GA and biopsy lump and lymph node next week est £600. That's just for diagnosis. If needs surgery that will be £1200-1600
Also got chest Xrays, spay+ small mammary lump removal booked next week £750

That's all just run of the mill GP vet stuff. We're not a super duper referral practice.

Absolutely NO WAY.

if anyone tries to make you feel bad say ‘oh it’s a shame Mary* has to get of the dog’ and change the subject.

this is NOT YOUR FAULT and nothing to do with you. Do not let them bully you. It will pass.

Keep strong and say no.

It does sound to me as if DH and ex are ganging up to put the guilts on the OP, who as anyone with a braincell can deduce would be the one doing most of the labour around this dog. Although it is a shame for DSD who (with the dog) is another innocent party in this, it is not OPs responsibility to take on that burden. It is unreasonable in the extreme and @User18283 you are right to hold firm.

And again, there is the issue of rehoming a young large breed dog (however lovely) to a household with a very small child. Usually this would be seen as a bad idea, I certainly don't can't see any reputable rescue doing that.

Completely Irrelevant.

No-one should be pressured into taking on the responsibility of a dog if they don’t want to. FULL STOP.

Stick to your guns.
Keeping a house clean and tidy is hard enough when you have little ones.
You may enjoy being at home at the eminent but how will you go back to work in a few years time with al large GS dog at home?

Presumably, according to you, if she had a job she would be ‘allowed’ to say no?

If she's a step mum working or not she wouldn't be able to say no. There would be comments on she moving her work schedule and dumping her kids at nursery.

I have seen a similar thread with a nuclear family and a family member getting rid of the dog and every single person was saying no way. None of the subtle digs going on at the op.

We have a wonderful dog. He's a large , very powerful, 40kg, labradoodle, BUT everyday is about him.
I work from home . I do everything for him, DH (and Ds13 sometimes) do walks with me on an evening.
My level of housework has gone up dramatically, he is a massive 'moulter'. If I want to go out during the day I plan it around him.
If we want to go out for the day it has to be dog friendly. No more weekends away in a travel lodge to amusement park which we would do previously.
He does go into day care occasionally but that's nearly £30 a day and shuts before 6.
He is large and still daft so can't ask people to have him. Only ones we'd ask is our older sons family but they have 3 cats so not appropriate.

All that said, I love him to bits and would happily redo it all because he's ours. We CHOSE to have him and knew our life would change (perhaps a little naive?). I would NOT do it with a small child, far to restricting.

I totally get that your DSD is upset , I can imagine how she feels but taking on a dog for the foreseeable future that you don't want isn't really on. I would try and see if there's anyway you could support but not take on full term.
I'd also point out that actually it's mums decision, why should you have to step up when she can't?

any update op?

@User18283 Has the dog been rehomed yet or have you actually been lumbered with it?