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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

294 replies

User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:26

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:31

My husband said to me last night that it's not just up to me to say we can't have a dog, his opinion matters too and he wants it 😂

OP posts:
Duttercup · 23/07/2022 08:33

To add to this echo chamber - of course you're not being unreasonable!

And you need to not care about being the bad guy (which is really unreasonable also) but - we're not getting the dog, I don't want the dog, I don't care if you're all cross with me, I didn't buy the dog in the first place - is the only attitude to take here.

Poor you, how absolutely ridiculous ❤️

3amAndImStillAwake · 23/07/2022 08:36

User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:31

My husband said to me last night that it's not just up to me to say we can't have a dog, his opinion matters too and he wants it 😂

In this situation, deciding to get a dog is like deciding to have a baby. If one person doesn't want to, you don't do it.

Original poster
User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:37

3amAndImStillAwake · 23/07/2022 08:36

In this situation, deciding to get a dog is like deciding to have a baby. If one person doesn't want to, you don't do it.

Show quote history

This is exactly what I said to him. He said this is different because the dog already exists and DSD is already bonded with it

OP posts:
MikeWozniaksMoustache · 23/07/2022 08:38

User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:31

My husband said to me last night that it's not just up to me to say we can't have a dog, his opinion matters too and he wants it 😂

Well, time for him to quit work and look after to dog full time, but also pay for all its food, insurance, vet visits etc. Oh and contribute to the household still.

What a wanker.

UmbaRumba · 23/07/2022 08:38

A dog is a 15 year commitment. Your SC will have left home by them I expect
Who's going to walk it, train it, pick up the poo, vacuum everyday, groom it, pay the vets bill/kennel bill etc
I have always had dogs and think it's better to rehome it now.
Children don't get a say in such a big decision
The SM is being really unfair and is trying to ease her guilt and bad decision making

Candleabra · 23/07/2022 08:40

Never say yes to something when you really mean no.
It’ll lead to untold resentment.
Sorry for the situation you’re in. You’re well within your rights to say no and your husband is completely out of order piling on the guilt. I would be so angry with him.

nothingfound · 23/07/2022 08:41

User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:31

My husband said to me last night that it's not just up to me to say we can't have a dog, his opinion matters too and he wants it 😂

Maybe, as he has sole responsibility for the dog and you are not taking any, he will need to find "doggy day care" for it. Drop it off on his way to work every morning and pick it up on the way home.
Point out to him that your priority is childcare and if he thinks you can look after this young dog as well you are massively insulted because it shows how he underestimates the commitment that is.
What an absolute tosser.

MayThe4th · 23/07/2022 08:43

My husband said to me last night that it's not just up to me to say we can't have a dog, his opinion matters too and he wants it 😂 ask him would it be ok to stop contraception so you could have a baby he didn’t want and you did?

Tell him that in situations like this it is the person who says no whose opinion counts, and that you won’t be having the dog, so if he really wants it he can take it to work during the day but you won’t be looking after it.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/07/2022 08:44

Don't do it, DP has an old lab. Everything revolves around the bloody dog, from the basics like walking, feeding, trips away, and holidays. Plus the bills, endless bloody vets bills.
DP is going on holiday for 7 days abroad, I cannot go anywhere for more than 2 hrs, because the incontinent dog needs walking.
It's shit.
Owning a Ferrari is cheaper and less inconvenient.

LuckyAmy1986 · 23/07/2022 08:45

User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:49

His ex just seems to be taking the angelic hands up approach of 'oh I'm so sorry sweetie that daddy and user won't take her'. Forgetting that this whole mess is her doing. It should never have been made our problem. It's so unfair.

So maybe you need to be “so sorry that mummy has taken a job that means you can’t keep your previous dog” play her at her own manipulative game.

your DH is a prick btw. Does he not respect you? This rally would be pushing the line for me

LuckyAmy1986 · 23/07/2022 08:46

MayThe4th · 23/07/2022 08:43

My husband said to me last night that it's not just up to me to say we can't have a dog, his opinion matters too and he wants it 😂 ask him would it be ok to stop contraception so you could have a baby he didn’t want and you did?

Tell him that in situations like this it is the person who says no whose opinion counts, and that you won’t be having the dog, so if he really wants it he can take it to work during the day but you won’t be looking after it.

No don’t do this as you will still be left looking after it.

say if you want a dog so badly and you can see that I don’t then perhaps we are going in different directions.

op don’t do it.

LuckyAmy1986 · 23/07/2022 08:48

nothingfound · 23/07/2022 08:41

Maybe, as he has sole responsibility for the dog and you are not taking any, he will need to find "doggy day care" for it. Drop it off on his way to work every morning and pick it up on the way home.
Point out to him that your priority is childcare and if he thinks you can look after this young dog as well you are massively insulted because it shows how he underestimates the commitment that is.
What an absolute tosser.

Show quote history

This would stop massively affect her life though!!!!

don’t do it under the guise of him having to take full responsibility because fact is once it’s here he won’t.

do not be pressured into this

bigbluebus · 23/07/2022 08:49

I'm fully on your side. Your DH needs to man up and learn to say 'no' to his DD. It doesn't even sound like ex has had the dog for that long. I'm sure DSD will soon forget about it.
For the record, I love dogs - at least I love well behaved, well trained dogs. But I would not have one atm due to the huge commitment in both time and expense. I've seen too many people get dogs and regret the impact on their lives. My DB got a dog - giving in to pressure from his DCs. It ended up being rehomed!

LuckyAmy1986 · 23/07/2022 08:49

OP are you financially v comfortable? (You don’t have to answer that) but the extra costs of the dog. Insurance, vet, food etc. is that something you and your family can easily soak up without it impacting you or your children???

Original poster
User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:52

LuckyAmy1986 · 23/07/2022 08:49

OP are you financially v comfortable? (You don’t have to answer that) but the extra costs of the dog. Insurance, vet, food etc. is that something you and your family can easily soak up without it impacting you or your children???

We are comfortable enough that we could do it yes but I don't want to. We discussed getting a dog in the future though when our DC is a bit older so it's something we could afford but doesn't change my stance.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 23/07/2022 08:53

It is not fair on the dog - it will be going from one home where it isnt given enough attention to another because your DSD and husband dont have enough time

Tell your husband that this is enough of a dealbreaker that if he does it he will be doing it without you because your marriage is over.

Explain to your DSD that the best thing for the dog is to find a home that has the time and energy to look after it. SOmetimes loving something isnt enough and you need to set it free

maranella · 23/07/2022 08:54

I'd rather be the bad guy that end up with a dog that I didn't want!

Just say no OP. You are 100% right to do so, if you want this damn dog. It's not your problem that your DH's ex is irresponsible and unable to adequately plan for the future. Your DSD will get over it and if she doesn't? Again, not your problem.

maranella · 23/07/2022 08:54

*DON'T want the damn dog

Brefugee · 23/07/2022 08:55

Dogs are one of those "everyone must say yes" situations for me. So i would continue to say "no" and also that if the dog arrives you will rehome it yourself.

Or make him a counter proposal: you go back to work and he becomes the SAHP and takes over the dog care 100%.

Can you move out and stay somewhere else?

I have a sensitive nose, and dog is one smell that i simply cannot put up with. I'd have to move out.

Legalwomble · 23/07/2022 08:56

User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:31

My husband said to me last night that it's not just up to me to say we can't have a dog, his opinion matters too and he wants it 😂

I know this puts you in a really difficult position, but say no and keep saying no.
Probably your DH will ignore you (mine did) and you will end up with it anyway.
However, this is all going to fall to you, regardless of promises and like I said earlier, your resentment to the dog (and eventually all those involved in the getting of the dog) will become all consuming.
Genuinely, I have been there.

Goldbar · 23/07/2022 08:56

User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:31

My husband said to me last night that it's not just up to me to say we can't have a dog, his opinion matters too and he wants it 😂

Fuck that! Tell him it is up to you because you won't be walking it, won't be feeding it and he'll have to rearrange his work to take care of it.

I would refuse the dog for safety reasons alone. You have a very small child in the house and I would never bring a dog into a house with a small child. You'll never be able to leave the two of them unsupervised together.

Original poster
User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:57

your resentment to the dog (and eventually all those involved in the getting of the dog) will become all consuming

It's already getting there! Especially toward his stupid ex.

OP posts:
ohblowmedown · 23/07/2022 08:59

YANBU at all, and I love dogs.

People always make promises that they'll "do everything for the dog" and it rarely comes to fruition - you're right in thinking it's you who will bear the brunt! Stick to your guns, it's not your problem to solve.

MyDogsTheBestDog · 23/07/2022 09:01

You should not do this. It will fall practically all on you and if you aren't keen on the first place, as you know dogs need a lot of care and attention and upheaval. Could cause quite a bit of resentment and emotional fallout for you. Stick to your guns. Not your fault!!!