Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

[User18283]

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

I'd quite like to know what you end up doing. You are not being unreasonable. The ex is the shit house but enjoying deflecting her daughters upset onto someone else, very unfair, very unreasonable, very shitty of her. Don't back down, you'll resent the dog and probably your husband for not supporting you

I absolutely adore dogs and I would be in a dilemma in your shoes, however my advice would be don’t give in.
Last year my DH planned to surprise me with a second dog, he went on to reveal this to our eldest DC who persuaded him to tell me first. Although I wanted another dog, I didn’t really think it was wise, but the combination of pressure from DC and DH and of course the promise of ‘we’ll muck in and look after him’ I eventually agreed. It has been the biggest mistake, I now feel lumbered (and guilty) I WFH most of the time but not always, my days are planned around the dog (puppy) it’s very restrictive and he isn’t nearly as easy to look after as DDog 1. Despite this DDog 2 isn’t going anywhere, I really couldn’t give up on him, but if I could turn back the clock I would.

This is an utter no win. There is no reason you should take on the bloody dog, the fault is purely, 100% with the mother, and she is the one who should deal with the sodding consequence of giving up the dog, and upsetting the child. But instead you are now the bad one, for not wanting to give up your time, and your childrens time, to be ruled by a bloody dog you never wanted. Say no and your seen as an are, say yes, and you never have the freedom to do what you want without forward planning again.

No, no, no. Stick to your guns. Nothing to do with you up to DH ex to deal with as she got dog.

Something like a cockerpoo might be a better choice. GSD are from working stock and need lots of energy and stimulation. Maybe a cat would be a better pet or even a hamster.

Did they get stroppy? Or did they just ask a reasonable question?

Absolute madness that you are being painted as the bad guy, and to be honest I think you need to be quite firm with your DH that he needs to set this straight before it ends up damaging your relationship with DSD.

He needs to tell his ex that she is being unfair sloping the responsibility off onto you, and he needs to stick to the line that its Mums dog, and Mums problem, so Mum needs to sort it out, we are not having the dog at Dad’s.

If DSD is old enough to be promising to care of it she is old enough to understand that this isn’t a situation of your making and that no means no.

Don’t back down.
Also keep repeating how much of a shame it is that her mum can’t keep the dog every time someone mentions you could take it. Keep reminding everybody who made the decision to get a dog and how important it is not to make it lightly, hence why you will not say yes.

I get the horrible feeling that this dog is going to turn up one day, for a visit or the night and never leave. You need to be very clear that you won't accept being railroaded into it and your husband needs to say no. It has to come from him.

Or, you negotiate if you want to.

You'll take the dog but it remains here legally and she pays for insurance and any vet bills.
She pays for any dog sitting/kennels or has the dog herself if you need it for trips/holidays.

What would the plan be if you returned to work? Are you then stuck with the cost of doggy day care or walkers?

Does x live near by?
can ddog stay at her house alone until dsd and DH are finished school and work to take care of it?
ill bet the answer is no!
they’re fully depending on you doing all the work
stick to your guns OP

As they're trying to make you the baddie, I'd go one further and research and print details of doggy daycare, walkers near her mum's and borrow my doggy details, then when DSD next comes round say:

"Oh great news DSD! I've found these people who provide day care/walking so you'll be able to keep your dog at your mum's after all. And there's even a free one Borrow My Doggy if she can't afford to pay. I know how upset she was at the thought of you losing your dog because she took the new job so I bet she'll be so pleased to know they have availability for another dog!"

Do absolutely NOT take on a dog you don't want. This was me a few months ago. My husband took in his mum's dog. I grudgingly agreed to it on three conditions, none of which were met.

Everyfuckingthing was left to me. He didn't feed the dog, walk it, give it water, pick up its shit, clean up its piss... And this dog was completely un-housetrained so there was a lot to pick up/clean. The dog even bit me (well, nipped me). It jumped onto the kitchen table, and one time I came home to find it sitting in the kitchen window. It had jumped up onto the sink. Knocked a glass over too, guess who had to clean up all the glass off the floor? A couple of times it got into the bin and took nappies out. All of the crap was left for me to deal with, despite me also caring for two children, one with ASD.

And this was a small dog, not a big, strong, high-energy GSD who would need quite a bit of space and regular exercise.

It's shit that you've been put in this position but I definitely recommend not taking on a dog that you don't want.

Give over. Dogs may not be a hardship, bit they're a bloody bug commitment that no one should feel obliged to take on.

The ex is really unreasonable here. Dogs are a part of the family and unless it’s really impossible as his owner she needs to try to make it work. Why can’t she pay a dog walker or doggy daycare?

The person who is at home all day and will be doing most of the dog rearing gets full and final say. That’s you.

Ex is a feckless, manipulative shit who shouldn’t have even thought have dumping the poor dog on you, let alone mentioning it to her DD.

How old is it? I’m wincing at the thought of how little (if any) training the stupid ex has done with it.

so has your dh said yes to his ex already? or told his dc that you#ll have this dog

i think hes the problem if so shold never agree without talking to you first hes the one making you look bad

Don't negotiate.

You'll get told what you want to hear and as soon as it's in your home all the promises will evaporate.

You are talking about a person who made a commitment to have a dog and has reneged on it, and is trying to blame someone else. Not trustworthy.

I'm not a dog owner but I know from friends how much work/planning and expense (plus restriction of freedom) is involved in having one. Which is exactly why I never would (or gave into the DC's pressure to get one).

I'm betting this is also another lockdown dog when so many people stupidly thought WFH would last forever and threw caution to the wind only to regret it.

Absolutely do not take the dog! It's shitty that you have been put in this position. You are not the bad guy! And your DH should not have put you on the opposing side. He should have discussed with you in private and presented a united front, explaining to DSD that he was unable to take the dog.

A dog is SOOOOO much work, if it is cared for properly. And actually, I would rather upset DSD than have to deal with the constant work a dog entails.

Ha! I had this years ago, we somehow ended up with the exws GSD.

Dsd never touched the dog or sorted it out, she “didn’t like poo” meaning when the dog got older and started crapping everywhere in the house she wouldn’t clean it up and my DH (at the time) would make me believe I was “difficult” because at 8 months pregnant I didn’t want to clean it up.
Buying food became my problem, in fact everything became my problem. DSD would appear to show off to friends periodically that it was “her” dog, whilst muggings here (SAHM) actually did everything.

I was a dog lover, and wanted to get another dog at some point, but I did not want that dog and the more everything fell to me, the more I resented the poor thing.

If you are forced or guilted into it it won’t work and believe me, all the promises will disappear once you have it.

Read my username. It’s not a joke!

It will ruin your life.

No way on God's green earth don't do it to yourself.

You’re not the bad one here. But honestly, I couldn’t let a child lose their dog or the dog lose a human it knows. I’d do it for the child and the dog but I do understand it’s a big commitment. Ex is a twat for thinking dogs are disposable and for putting the responsibility on you and your husband.

I think that’s a really unreasonable thing to say to the OP, and trying to make her feel guilty.

She 100% does not want a dog. No way should she be made to feel she should have to have one for the benefit of the child or the dog.

The OP is currently a SAHM, looking after her very young child. Having a dog would change everything dramatically. For a start it’s a potential danger to the child, another risk factor to be considered when doing anything.

It’s not an easy or small dog either - it’s a bloody German Shepherd!

That dog will be there for more or less every fucking minute of the OP’s life for the next potentially 15 years…and no part of her wants a dog at all!

OP - stand up for yourself, don’t give in, because it’s your life it will affect far more than anyone else’s.

I wouldn't take the dog and I would absolutely refuse to take the blame either. You need to tackle it head on with everyone concerned, DH first. Pull no punches, he needs reminding that this is his ex's fuck up and he has no right expecting you to fix it. You do not want a dog and they are a massive responsibility so it's a hard no and you won't be made to feel guilty.

Then DSD, a gentler conversation based more around the needs of the dog and that you don't feel you can meet them but being very clear the answer is no. Probably wouldn't hurt to point out that, as with her DM, your circumstances may change and it wouldn't be fair to the dog to end up in the same situation a second time.

And then the ex, keep it brief but final, you understand her wanting to soften the blow for DSD but it's not a responsibility you're willing to take on and it's best for DSD not to give her false hope. Don't let DH speak for you and make you into the bad guy, deal with it yourself head on and put it to bed with all the individuals trying to manipulate you into saying yes. And don't feel guilty, no one should take on a dog unless they really, really want one, it's not fair to the dog.

I’ve said what I’d do, said she’s not the bad one here, that ex is a twat. But make shit up if you want to. 🤪