Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

[User18283]

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

According to the PDSA a medium dog can cost up to £27,000 over its lifespan. You would need at least this amount up front as you will not be put out of pocket. I would ask for much more to cover your own time taking care of the dog. Maybe framing it this way will help her understand how big an ask this is.

Although I'd be tempted to take up BrettIsHot's kind offer to take the dog on herself and bring it to see DSD each day so they can continue to have a relationship. Sounds like a result!

Even without considering the workload, I would not have a dog, especially a high energy, large dog, I haven’t trained and who isn’t used to young children around my child. The dog, at least initially will not see your toddler as their family and GS are generally pretty protective of their family. You’d therefore have the added complexity of integrating the dog into the family. And that’s presuming the dog has a decent enough level of training not to become aggressive etc.

Every owner should be 100% committed to owning a dog. You’ve potentially got 14-15 years of exercise, poo picking and vets bills ahead of you as well as thinking of the dog is you want a long day out, a weekend away, a holiday. And as you already know DSD will not do everything for the dog. YANBU, stick to your guns.

Oh, I feel your pain. I didn’t want another dog after our last one died. It was just….one fewer set of needs to be responsible for, which is a big thing when you’re drowning in other people’s needs.

my DD however, missed DDog desperately and I gave in. I will say it’s been super positive for her and I adore the Delinquent Duo. It IS another set of needs and while in isolation they don’t look like much, I’m
still the one burdened with them and it’s more than I’d like.

I don’t suppose this is much help, except to say it will be ok either way. Yes, it’s extra work I didn’t want. Yes the pay off has been worth it. I think I’d have been just as happy without them, but I wouldn’t give them up for anything. One almost died, and I’d definitely have got another if she had! DD and I have a better relationship for the shared interest. Which I wasn’t expecting, and she is easier as she’s a bit happier for having company. So that has balanced out the needs of the dog more than I was expecting. And I did miss the critters. I thought I’d regret it, but I don’t, (despite being right about the burden!)

Lol. Do you have issues with comprehension? Just because I would do it, doesn’t mean others should. For the third time I’ve said ex is the twat.

I do have 2 dogs of my own though, from the rescue I help out at and also foster dogs. I have 3 extras for the next week to give them a break from their kennels. I see dogs dumped by their owners every week and see the time it takes for them to rebuild trust so I probably have a different perspective to many people. And my kids are heartbroken when dogs we’ve fostered get homed, I can only imagine how upset they would be if I rehomed the our dogs.

Completely reasonable question. I have a dog and she is lovely but time consuming and it is a challenge making sure she has everything she needs while juggling a family.

I don't know any dog owner who would say it's no hardship.It's 2-3 hours a day of lost time also it makes life so much harder when OP wants to go back to work. Also the cost £100-200 per month.

It'd be a hard no from me in your shoes.

She should take responsibility and pay for daycare for the dog. Or as he’s so keen to have the dog, DH should arrange daycare. OP, call DH’s bluff.

Please don't take on a dog you don't want. DSD will get over it eventually but you need to throw in a few 'sorry your mum's having to give the dog away'

A dog is a responsibility and kind of a ball and chain that your husband’s ex shouldn’t expect to be able foist on you and your family. Her and your husband might not wanna upset their kid but then it’s something the ex should’ve thought about before getting the dog, and not just see you and your husband as backup if it doesn’t work out, and not to use their child as a reason to make you feel pressured. She’s the one who made the commitment to a dog she can’t actually any longer commit to. She should find a way to make it work herself and if she can’t, that’s not on you and you’re not the one who should have to pay for it by taking the dog on, and the responsibility of a dog is a pretty big way to pay I’d say

could be a lesson to DSD on how some decisions in life can’t be made without commitment behind them maybe though, possibly, heh

I’m a dog (and cat) lover. I prefer them to people! But there is NO WAY you should take a dog on if you don’t actively want one. They are a big commitment - training, time, money, etc.

On the other hand, I kind of understand how the ex might be feeling if they’re struggling due to a change in circumstances. And, on top of that, how DSD is feeling.

I’d be asking the ex to detail exactly how they are struggling.

If it’s mainly due to time away from home, then I’d look into a REPUTABLE doggy daycare/dog walker. With your husband agreeing that he’ll stump up some of the cost for this. And maybe offer one weekend a month (when DSD is staying with you) to have the dog. But DSD would need to realise that accommodations are being made to keep the dog within the “family” so they’d need to help out.

Am fully aware that the above comes from my feelings towards pets. But I think it’s important that the ex doesn’t just get to foist the dog off somewhere else (to you or a rescue). If DSD and dad really want to keep the dog close, they need to respect your feelings too.

And, if you all can’t work together to resolve it, then handing over to a rescue may be best. Your DSD can stamp her feet if she is unhappy with the outcome. The dog gets no choice in its outcome, it’s relying totally on the humans involved.

Stand your ground!!

If you take on the dog you'll 100% become the main caretaker for it. I would rather be vilified now than take on the responsibility for the next 15 years.

OP, I think you need to get out of the mindset of justifying why you don’t want the dog and be angry at DH for even entertaining this shit and ‘giving in’. Has he been irresponsible enough to suggest to DSD/ex that he is fine with it and you don’t want the dog?

Tell him to get a grip and manage in the way that ALL the blame falls on his ex (and on him if he’s so desperate). If there’s even a whiff to DSD/ex that this is your decision not his then that’s unacceptable.

Back yourself. You'll be so resentful if you cave in. The dog will end up all your responsibility just as you suspect.
It's up to the ex to research a responsible outcome for her dog. Not engineer the situation to guilt trip you.
I'd be telling my DH very clearly that he's to speak to DSD and not leave her being sour to you.

Do not take it. I've had all the pressure when kids were younger. Neighbours all got dogs and kids walking them ceased after 2 weeks. House will smell, cost a fortune to feed and for vets bills and the cost for kennels when on holiday will exceed what it costs for you to go. My DH grudgingly admits I was right.
It is the ex wife's problem. Unfortunately everywhere is still flush from lockdown purchases, and a Shepherd is a large dog (and lots of shit as well)

So hard, but stick to your guns. I adore my dog, and she's a soppy, easy golden retriever. A young GS will need a LOT of work and commitment. You are definitely NBU to say no as it will mostly fall on you.

I'm with BrettIsHot.

No, you shouldn't have to and none of this is your fault. But I'd probably feel too sorry for the daughter not to. She's already witnessed her parents' marriage breakdown and had to welcome a new woman to the family and then a new half sibling. None of that is easy but I presume she didn't get a choice. On top of that, sounds like her mother is feckless, and you do actually like dogs, plan to have another in the future, and have experience with GSDs.

I'd (doesn't meant you should, before people pounce on me...) take the dog with certain conditions (husband walking dog before/after work, a dog walker coming in everyday, daughter also doing some walks), and say that the dog will be rehomed if people don't pull their weight. I'd make sure it's my husband enforcing those conditions. That's me though, and this whole situation is not your fault.

I don't know what your financial situation is like but would you be happy for your husband to help his ex pay for a dogwalker/doggy daycare so she and their daughter can still keep the dog? Obviously he shouldn't have to, but for his daughter's sake?

YANBU OP, at all. Owning a dog is a massive responsibility, you have had one in the past so you are fully aware of the expense and time involved. This is solely down to ex-wife, she will need to take responsibility for the re-home with her child. Everyone needs to be fully onboard for a rehome to be successful, if you weren’t in this situation it doesn’t sound like you would be considering dog ownership at this stage in your life. You have a young child, focus on that and make it clear, it’s a no. Don’t take on the responsibility.

I wonder if you worked full or part time if this conversation would even be happening.

I feel like the EX has thought arhhh it's ok she's at home let's palm the dog off on her.

I'm in a stand your ground camp. Big NO from me.

It would be a hell no from me too. The only way I might consider it would be if the dog went to doggie day care while husband was at work, and then he and/or DSD can do all the work outside of those times.

Bet he wouldn't though, he just wants to be able to say yes to DSD and you do all the work.

Trust me I know all about this @User18283 when my OH moved in with me his dog came too (his LL was selling up and couldn't find anywhere else that would allow pets) initially he did everything for dog but suddenly got a new job which meant being out for 12 hours a day and suddenly it all falls to me. There was a reason I didn't have a dog before I met him and it's because I didn't want the responsibility! I work mostly from home so in OHs mind it's no hassle for me 🙄

How old is your young son as you will need to keep the dog and child separated for a good while. Young kids and dogs are not a good mix, I don't care how friendly the dog is.

If the child is under 5 it would be a no from me due to constantly having to keep dog behind a baby gate somewhere in house away from the child.

I think it would have to go to doggy day care when she was at school.
I agree with you that you've been put in an unfair situation, but given you've had a GS before and may well get a dog at some time in the future I think your SD will resent you when that happens and she couldn't keep her pet.an
is look hard for solutions to make it work if possible rather than seethe at his ex.

I would offer the dogs can come on the weekends that sd comes and that is your final off your as then dh and sd can do everything for the dog during those times, that way you are offering to support the ex in looking after her dog.

It is never going to live with you due to the time and attention it needs that you are unable to provide in he next 2 years while your Amal child is in school

Do not get a dog because you feel like you ought to. That is absolutely ridiculous. Dogs are hard working full stop and do impact your life - holidays, days out. A GSD is a busy working breed and requires a lot of input. That should not be something that’s forced upon you.

Totally unfair to put you in this position, I can fully understand your reasons.