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Original poster

Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

294 replies

User18283 · 22/07/2022 22:26

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

OP posts:
shedwithivy · 23/07/2022 07:11

coffeecupsandfairylights · 22/07/2022 23:10

Stick to your guns.

I have a dog and work with dogs and an unwanted dog is nothing but trouble. Honestly - whatever anger and resentment you feel now will only increase when you're the one doing all the care, the long walks, picking up poo in the garden, the vet appointments and the medication.

I've seen it happen so many times. One person wants the dog and agrees to do all the work. Second person agrees. Then reality kicks in and second person ends up doing way more than their fair share and ultimately it ruins relationships and the dog is always the one to suffer.

Unless you're 1,000,000% on board, don't do it.

This is so true

Is she still going to pay for all the food and insurance etc?

Why can't she use doggy daycare while she works?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/07/2022 07:12

why should you be brow beaten into having a dog
not only that, a large expensive dog, who no doubt feels the heat

Soggycrisps · 23/07/2022 07:12

Thanks I just feel like all the blame has been deflected away from his bloody ex who got the poor dog in the first place. Everyone's mad at me when it should be her!

Well you're mad at her, don't you count as somone? Or are you really quiet about how you feel? You should show your feelings about this and don't be quiet about it either. Voice your anger because it is valid.

NeedMoreMilk · 23/07/2022 07:17

SarahSissions · 22/07/2022 22:30

Stick to your guns and you will forever be the evil stepmother who made DSD give up the family pet. It’s really no hardship for you to take the dog and the ex-wife can take it back when you want to go on holiday.

No hardship? Of course it’s a hardship! Other than the time commitment and the expense (German Shepherd’s have high insurance costs and are prone to sensitive stomachs so the OP might be tied to particular brands of dog food) it means that you can’t go out for the day without putting the dog in kennels or arranging for someone to let it out for you, which is still not ideal as the dog is being left on its own all day. Not to mention arrangements for care of the dog should she want to go back to work.

I absolutely adore my dog, and he is a very good boy about being left on his own. But when something happens to him I will think very seriously about getting another one.

CrisisCafe · 23/07/2022 07:18

Do not rehome the dog. Let them think of you as the "bad guy"- they are VERY misguided in this. Know you are not the bad guy.

They are trying to manipulate you. The ex wife is trying to manipulate you to do something she's not prepared to do herself. Why should you take on all the work and responsibility of a dog just because she has decided she doesn't want to any more?

Do not take the dog. It will require a decade of care and realistically that will ALL come down to you. You may be SAHM now- but will you be for the next decade??? Probably not, so what happens to the dog when you want to work?

The ex wife has made her DD unhappy by taking on a dog that she is unable/ unwilling to care for. You are not the cause of any unhappiness- the ex wife is.

Whoatealltheminieggs · 23/07/2022 07:19

If you want to feel better about refusing I was a stay at home mum and dh had two dogs when I met him. When I got pregnant I made him rehome the youngest one because it was untrained, he wasn’t walking it and it barked constantly. There was no way I was going to go through sleepless nights with a baby and then be woken up at night by a barking dog. I was not popular with anyone including the stepkids but there you go. I’m pretty sure the dog has a much better life.

Eddielizzard · 23/07/2022 07:23

The ex isn't forgetting that it's her fault in the first place, she knows this. She's deflecting the blame onto you. Doesn't mean you should accept that guilt, because it's not your problem. Your DH and ex are being twerps and I'd have very stern words with your DH. It simply isn't on. You can't have the dog.

3amAndImStillAwake · 23/07/2022 07:23

ThinWomansBrain · 22/07/2022 22:41

just googled - average lifespan of a GS is 9 to 13 years.
how long are you planning to be a SAHM?

This is what I was thinking. Ex's job means she can't take care of the dog, are you therefore going to be restricted should you at any point want to stop being a SAHM?

I'd be so so cross at this. And I absolutely would not be backing down. The idea that this is your fault when actually the ex is the one giving up the dog is completely ridiculous. I actually feel cross for you just reading it. I'd be telling DH in no uncertain terms that this is not happening.

TokyoTen · 23/07/2022 07:26

My advice would be stick to your guns. I was also made out to be the villain when I wouldn't get a dog - inspire.of the fact that we both work FT and wouldn't have time, like foreign holidays and aren't always around and no way had time to walk a dog each day. I say both DS down a d calmly explained this, I also pontef out I was the only one being kind enough to think of its welfare. I'd be really firm and point out some home truths!

Velvian · 23/07/2022 07:26

Your DH could offer to share the cost of a dog sitter or walker if he is so inclined. YANBU and do not relent.

We have a relatively easy dog that I am with 24/7, as I WFH. When she goes, we will not get another. It is such a massive responsibility, as the ExW has discovered!

Does DH have parents that would take the dog or does ExW? I think I would consider getting a job, OP, rather than taking the dog (sort of lighthearted).

MrsToothyBitch · 23/07/2022 07:30

In this situation, to run with the theme of a Pp, I would rather be the dog-free, happy "wicked" step mother than the drudging, resentful, dog owning Cinderella. Although I don't think you're actually a wicked SM at all, I think you're correct in your deductions about who'll be doing the leg work. YANBU. Stick to your guns.

I would also turn this back on her mum, as pp suggested: "we can't keep dog for same reasons as mummy etc".

If it turns up for a visit as pp suggested it might, do sod all for it and make it difficult. I'd probably pick up your little one and sod off out tbh.

PurpleWisteria · 23/07/2022 07:30

Tell DSD that her DM could use doggy day care. Then they can keep the dog.

Isonthecase · 23/07/2022 07:36

I'd look on it as being the positive role model for DSD that doesn't take on pets they don't have the capacity to deal with properly. Goodness knows she could do with one of those.

Mindymomo · 23/07/2022 07:41

Would you and DH consider helping out by walking dog for ex on days she cannot do or get a dog walker. She has a young child, who presumably in on school holidays, so unless child in not there, she should be able to look after dog those days. You are right to stand your ground, a dog, as you know, is a huge commitment not for a short while, but maybe 10/12 years.

Mellowyellow222 · 23/07/2022 07:55

It is sad that the dog needs to be rehired. I do get a bit judgy about people who get dogs then realise they can’t actually care for them. I would love a dog but know my work commitments mean I can’t.

but in to you- you are not heartless. A dog is a huge commitment - there is a lot of work as you know. You need to be 100% committed or the dog suffers.

the bad guy in this is the ex wife for getting a beloved family pet that she can’t care for. The poor dog will be very unhappy for a period of time when it is regimes. But that isn’t on you it’s on her.

Darbs76 · 23/07/2022 07:58

It’s so unfair you’re being made out to be the baddie when it’s the ex wife who got a dog without thinking it through. I adore my dog, don’t regret getting him but it is a tie and he costs a lot of money

Shoxfordian · 23/07/2022 08:02

You’re definitely not the bad guy op

Is your partner usually this unreasonable? He should be on your side and explaining to his child why you (as a couple) can’t take the dog not blaming you

DoNotGetADog · 23/07/2022 08:05

I also wonder at a few people saying “DH should pay for daycare/dog walker.” (And then they would agree to have the dog). They are a married couple with a young child and OP is a SAHM. The DH paying for it is just the same as if she paid for it - it would be a lot of money coming out of the family finances to the financial detriment of the OP (as well as all the other detriments to the OP!)

lljkk · 23/07/2022 08:09

I don't dispute the SAHP will do majority with dog: but why can't OP's DH do 2 walks on work days, all walks on weekends, most the garden poo picking ?

DoNotGetADog · 23/07/2022 08:19

lljkk · 23/07/2022 08:09

I don't dispute the SAHP will do majority with dog: but why can't OP's DH do 2 walks on work days, all walks on weekends, most the garden poo picking ?

Well he “could,” but after about a week it will seem a bit unreasonable to him and maybe even to the OP that he has to do all that when he’s been out at work all day and she’s at home all day.

Then it will all become her job anyway and she will be trapped with no way out (except insisting they rehome the dog again, which would be a very difficult thing to do).

It’s not just the walks anyway - the dog will just be there every minute of the OP’s day and she doesn’t want it!

Jasminejoy · 23/07/2022 08:26

She's making her problem your problem. I hate that.

lljkk · 23/07/2022 08:26

It's not up to us to say what her DH "could" do.

It's up to him to step up and stick to a commitment he makes.

There's a local bloke who walks his 2 dogs for ~3 hours/day. He can't handle both (GSD) at once so He's out 4x/day for ~40 minutes at a time ... he's chatting on the phone most the walk time. And is probably very fit for it. Not sure what other work he does.

Anyway, I don't think OP is U to say no, but the only 'bad guy' here isn't the exW who got the dog she lacks time for. OP's H is a bad guy too for trying to say yes to rehome & then refusing to make time for the dog in reality, too. If he refuses to make time. OP could sweetly suggest he pop by ex's house 2x/day to walk/attend to dog/poo pick for next 2 weeks, see how he gets on.

Original poster
User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:28

It’s not just the walks anyway - the dog will just be there every minute of the OP’s day and she doesn’t want it!

Yes this really. It doesn't matter to me if DH did do every "job" involved with it. Not that I believe that would actually be the case for very long!

I still don't want a dog in my house. It still makes the house smell, have hairs everywhere, it still affects our finances and freedom, especially mine during the day. It's unrealistic to think I'd never have to consider it if I was the one home all day.

As for paying for her to send it to doggy daycare or us offering to walk it when she's walking. No I wouldn't be happy to do that either. I don't see why we should be forking out a lot of money (dog daycare is extortionate!) because of a mistake she made and quite frankly no I'm not willing to give up my time to walk her dog.

OP posts:
Original poster
User18283 · 23/07/2022 08:29

When she's working**

OP posts:
XmasElf10 · 23/07/2022 08:30

I have a dog I love and wouldn’t be without but:

YANBU

owning a dog is a massive tie and commitment. Being the primary carer for the dog (which you will be as a SAHM) is hard work 365 days a year. A dog limits your weekend activities, your holiday choices and takes up a lot of free time. Then there is the extra cleaning and expense. Do not take on a dog you don’t want, your H needs to nip this in the Bud immediately.