Being made out to be the bad guy over a dog

[User18283]

Can someone help, this situation is driving me mad.

Long story short my husbands ex wife has a dog, a young German shepherd cross. It's very friendly and a lovely dog but that's beside the point.

She has recently changed jobs and is struggling to give it the time and attention it needs and so has spoken with my husband and said she will need to re-home her. She hinted that maybe me and DH would like her.

The trouble is DSD is absolutely in love with this dog and is absolutely distraught at the prospect of her being rehomed and the pressure is being put on for us to take her.

My husband said no at first but has now come round to the idea and I feel like I'm the last "barrier" and am being made out a villain for continuing to say no.

I feel like this whole situation is so unfair. I'm a SAHM currently to our very young child so it would be down to me to do the majority with her and I just really do not want a dog. I love dogs, but after our own very much loved and adored DDog passed a couple of years ago I have found no longer being tied to one quite freeing especially whilst my own DC is young and a handful themselves. My house feels cleaner, there's less stress and worry, less responsibility, more freedom and I'm just not ready to take it on again especially such a young basically still pup!

I don't know what to do, I don't want to agree to this but DSD is so upset and I feel like I'm being cast as the bad guy when it's her mum who got a dog and then not long after found she couldn't keep it, how has this ended up my fault?!

My husband has said he and DSD will do everything for it when he's home from work (yeah right) but that still leaves me all day having to deal with a dog I do not want.

AIBU to stick to my guns with this?

I am sure someone has already suggested it - but the ex could hire a dog walker. She just doesn’t want to.

I completely agree with OP
@User18283

It is not for OP to be dragged into this. She has a toddler at home and does not want a dog at home to care for , walk and clean up after , right now. If she did, she would get a dog. She doesn't and as the expectation and 10 hours per day care or dog would be down to her, keeping it away from toddler, then that's OPs decision.

She may choose to return to work too later on

Regardless the fecklessness of DSDs mum in letting dSD down and upsetting her, is not OPs problem to solve by causing strife in her and her DS's life.

Both the dad and mum here of DSD are selfish and are trying to use OP and turn it into her responsibility when it clearly IS NOT.

No way would that dog set paw into my house. And if DH brought it home, the moment he went to work , I would take it the moment he and return it to ex wife's house.

OP, be sure to let DSD know whose fault this is. Don't let the feckless mother try to put any blame on you. Bat it back where it belongs.

@User18283 - this is a fine opportunity for the old Mumsnet classic 'No is a complete sentence!'

This is Mumsnet gold, actual suggestions that OP maintain her husbands exes dog financially so her DSD doesn’t suffer hurt feelings

Well now that's a bit silly, especially given that op doesn't actually work. So it would hardly be her funding the dog. That being said, is it really so unreasonable to have DH pay towards his own daughter's pet? I wouldn't have thought so. OP says she would be raging even about DH paying.

OP and her husband are a married couple and their finances therefore entwined, so yes, she would be contributing. Unless you consider there is no value in being a SAHM.

The pet is a household pet. Not his daughters, it was a dog purchased independently of OP and her DH so yes, it is unreasonable to expect someone else to fund it retrospectively when they weren’t consulted in the first place.

@PrivateHall I don't think OP said she'd be raging about her DH paying for the dog but she did point out that they don't have unlimited income and the money could be used more appropriately.

Perhaps you think she should go back to work before she is allowed an opinion ( I guess at least everyone would stop expecting her to be de facto dog care if she did).

If you and your family had come to me to buy a dog I'd not sell you one, just to put your situation in perspective. You, as the main caregiver for the dog, have to be the one who wants to keep the dog otherwise the situation will breed nothing but discontent, resentment,and an unhappy home.
stand your ground and do not be backed into a corner over this.

It is actually none of my business whether or not op works haha! However DH gets to spend what he wants on his DD. He clearly wants to find a solution that keeps his DD happy so if that is helping funding doggy daycare; that is his perogative really. But suggesting it would be the OP funding it is silly, whether posters like it or not.

I don't think the fact I don't work is relevant. I can still have an opinion on what DH spends money on considering it is family money and the decision for me to leave work and save us a fortune in childcare every month was a joint one.

Committing to paying for daycare is huge. We're talking about a dog that could potentially (no, likely!) live for over a decade. Daycare for our last dog which we only needed to use very occasionally was £25 per day! That's a ridiculous amount, along with everything else, to commit to paying to another household for a dog we don't even own. And once you've committed it will then be spun as our fault if we can no longer afford or no longer want to pay it at some point in the next 10+ years.

What happens if she decides to buy a horse next and then wants DH to pay for the stables in case we risk DSD being upset. It's silly. It wasn't our decision to buy the dog, our family shouldn't be ££ out of pocket for it.

What hours was she working? What hours is she working now?

Op - I suggested day care for the dog in the expectation that there is no way your DH will pay for it. I also suggested that he has full responsibility for everything dog-related including dropping it off and picking it up on his way to and from work. Slightly tongue in cheek but - he'd never sign up for that would he? He's being a total prat about this - don't budge.

So if the feckless ex had decided to buy her DD a pony, say, and then "Oh dear me ponies are so expensive I can't afford it but she will be so upset if I sell it" do you think the DH should then put his hand on his pocket to fund his ex's whim?

And can you really not see what is so wrong about suggesting that because the OP doesn't currently go out to work she doesn't get a say in where the households money is spent?

SHE should pay for doggie daycare; it’s her dog and her responsibility.

So is OP an equal partner when it comes to finances as she is (presumably) not working because she is caring for her/husbands " very young child" or is she in fact Dobby the House Elf?

Anyway OP, re: that very young child, there is also the consideration of introducing a large breed "not puppy" dog into your household.

So if you marry someone with a child (or children) you have to be willing at some unspecified date in the future to take on a dog or dogs if the child's other parent decides that they will not longer look after a dog they took responsibility for?

Nope, never said that.

OP

whenever the guilt trip is put on you by DSD say something along the lines of “yes it’s a pity that your mum doesn’t want to get a job to fit with the dog”. If she says “but she can’t” reply “she could if she really wanted to”

I'd be more concerned about your young child and the dog

Young kids and dogs don't mix. A GSD is a large dog, and a guarding breed.

These dogs need a lot of stimulation and well trained. I wouldn't have it near a under 5 it's a accident waiting to happen.

Of course you can have an opinion, as can anyone. But you don't get to dictate what he spends on his daughter, no. To be honest, you lost me when you called the ex 'stupid', I was on your side until then. I just don't think there is any need to call anyone stupid, personally. I don't honestly get why you posted as you obviously were not actually after any opinions or suggestions, just a rant about the ex.

Classic MN where the step-mum is being held to higher standards than the actual parents are.

What @HotDogKetchup says is spot on. OP does not want a dog in her house. That's it, end of discussion. It is not her problem to solve so DH and his feckless ex will have to resolve this in a way which does not impact on OP.

@cuprunnethover OP isn't responsible for the feckless ex but she is an adult, unlike the stepdaughter, and she chose to marry a man who already had a daughter, and therefore prior responsibilities to create a stable environment for another person. Perhaps he thinks not getting rid of her dog is part of that

I will keep my house open to any pet my DH ex wants to get rid of be dog, elephant, snake, just because I married a with a child ? Are you having a bubble ?

If people want to apologise for the first marriage breaking down, have at it. I certainly as a sm see the damage it can cause, but I'm not sure how it's never the parents making up for the damage the blame is always put on the sp. It's bonkers

But for some reason on mn people say "don't over step, the SC have two parents which you are not one" they also mutter " but if one of them wants to get rid of pet elephant because of whatever reason you have a moral obligation to step up and you dare not say a word"

If bought a dog and couldn't keep it I wouldn't expect my ex and my Dd to take on responsibility of my mistake.

1 How is the ex feckless? She had to change jobs, she can't give the dog all the attention it needs anymore so is looking for a new home for it, that's not feckless, that's a good owner, if she was feckless she would leave the poor thing alone all day whilst she was out.

1. It isn't the OPs house. It's the family home of OP, her husband, his daughter and their child. Ops doesn't get to overrule everyone else, that's not how families work.

@tillytown she's not feckless because she's the ex wife. She's feckless for buying a puppy, allowed a bond to form with DSD, changed jobs and not found a solution that would enable her to keep the dog aka dog walker/flexi working. And is putting op in a difficult spot because she's not owning her choices and passing the buck.

Op I think I have found your DSDs mother.
Dogs aren't disposable, they love you. To treat them as they are is cruel and feckless.

Ops doesn't get to overrule everyone else, that's not how families work

I do when it'll be me left with the dog all day. They can't force me to take care of a dog I don't want.