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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at DH saying this about our baby's accident

241 replies

Ahwell123 · 20/07/2022 22:11

Our 3 year old had a tantrum today. Sometimes he really loses his mind. I am taking him to our GP.

Today I told him he couldn't put his shoes in the paddling pool. He pushed me and I told him off. He ran into the kitchen and pushed the highchair over that had our baby in it. It was horrific. Baby cried a lot but seems absolutely fine. I have been watching him all afternoon

Anyway me and DH were chatting about DS and his tantrums. DS was very very sorry. Giving baby lots of kisses and crying himself and saying sorry sorry. Anyway DH just said to me

"I don't blame you for what happened but you did sound a bit emotional and angry when you told DS off and then he did what he did"

And I just burst into tears. I'm so exhausted trying to keep everyone happy. Telling DS off but remaining calm and all that. And any sentence that starts "I don't blame you but"...

I'm sitting here in tears and DH has stormed to bed calling me insane for getting so upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PattyMelt · 20/07/2022 22:16

He didn't think you should tell off the child who pushed over the highchair with the baby in it? Is he mental?
You should have taken the baby to get checked over after a fall like that.
I'd be getting very strict and watching the temper tantrums like a hawk so he doesn't get the chance to do it again. He needs better boundaries.

OwlinaTree · 20/07/2022 22:18

No your DH is. Of course your were emotional and angry if your child pushed you. You are only human. Sounds like your DH is trying to minimise it.

Cherrysherbet · 20/07/2022 22:19

That was an incredibly insensitive comment. I would have been upset too 💐
That would obviously make you feel worse.

GCAcademic · 20/07/2022 22:20

How much dealing with toddler tantrums does your DH do? I take it, his fair share, and he executes his role perfectly, does he?

bloodyunicorns · 20/07/2022 22:20

How helpful of your dh - not. You were right to tell your ds off for pushing you, and for pushing over your baby. What a thing to do!

Hope your LO is ok. Did they hit their head?

Does your dh usually back you up in situations like this, or does he have form for being unhelpful?

StoneofDestiny · 20/07/2022 22:21

Your DH needs a wake up call. It would be abnormal to be calm and happy when something like that happened - emotional and angry is a normal response

RoseslnTheHospital · 20/07/2022 22:22

That was an unhelpful remark from your partner. It most definitely isn't you're fault that your 3 year old pushed the high chair over.

It's even more unhelpful to call you "insane" and then have a massive strop and storm off to bed. It looks like your 3 year old has inherited some of his father's behaviour.

It's ok to be emotional and sometimes show that you're angry to your children. And then show them how you manage your anger and get through it.

Do you think you'll be able to discuss your partner's reaction to your upset, or will he continue to be stroppy about it?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 20/07/2022 22:23

So he told you off for telling off your child for a potentially dangerous action. Then when you reacted and were upset, probably because of delayed shock and stress , he stormed off to bed.

how many toddlers have you?

Original poster
Ahwell123 · 20/07/2022 22:23

Sorry I should have been clearer. DH was saying that the way I told DS off for putting his shoes in the pool led to DS having such an extreme tantrum that he pushed the high chair over

I don't know. I just am so upset about the whole thing and DH is always looking to find fault with my approach while doing nothing himself

I can't stop thinking about our poor baby going over backwards. God I should have taken him to A&E shouldn't I? He was himself all afternoon and evening...laughing etc and no bruise or bump anywhere but it looked awful.

I really felt like I disliked my DS tonight. Which is awful. But he used all his strength to push the chair over. And my DH just seeks to blame me. I try so hard for this family and its such chaos and I get blamed for it.

OP posts:
Pollydonia · 20/07/2022 22:24

Does your DH often find ways to blame you for things that are not your fault ?

Confusedteatowel · 20/07/2022 22:24

Really bad timing by your DH. Of course you're upset it must have been a really stressful day!

Have a glass of wine/cup of tea/large slab of chocolate and get some sleep, you can talk about strategies for dealing with your toddler tomorrow x

Hobbes8 · 20/07/2022 22:24

Your husband sounds like a massive twat. I might at a massive push, forgive the “I don’t blame you but” comment if he was remorseful afterwards. But the insane comment would have me showing him the door I’m afraid.

DelurkingLawyer · 20/07/2022 22:25

Jesus. DARVO but reflected onto your three year old. Your toddler had a violent temper tantrum, itself a reaction to being told not to push you, and somehow your DH says it is your fault? And then your DH tells you it is your fault you are upset with him? That is a troubling pattern.

Evenstar · 20/07/2022 22:25

There is no way you were unreasonable to be angry when your DS pushed you, he won’t learn that behaviour is unacceptable unless you make that clear to him. I find it very concerning that he then went and hurt the baby, is DH normally too lenient with your toddler?

Original poster
Ahwell123 · 20/07/2022 22:26

I can't stop crying. I can't get anything right. I'm so tired of it all.

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 20/07/2022 22:27

When you say that your DH does nothing himself, do you mean he doesn't get involved with managing your 3 year olds behaviour? Or that he doesn't do anything with him at all?

He needs to back you up with behaviour management, not criticise.

LondonWolf · 20/07/2022 22:28

My ex used to find ways to blame me for every single thing that went wrong with regards to our children. To this day I call him "Billy Blamer" when I speak about him, even to my teens, they've heard him do it so it makes them laugh. He was hugely abusive in many ways. Blaming is actually pretty toxic and abusive if done often and going only one way.

Lunadreamer · 20/07/2022 22:28

Take a big deep breath.

Something to think about is why did your eldest child lash out at your younger child when you were the one he wss angry at?

How much one to one attention does he get from you both?

phishy · 20/07/2022 22:29

Your husband is an unhelpful, blaming twat.

You need to find your anger and tell him the judgemental behaviour stops now and he needs to shut his gobshite mouth.

RoseslnTheHospital · 20/07/2022 22:29

@Ahwell123 you're getting plenty of things right, they're just not at the front of your mind right now because you're understandably focussed on the high chair accident and it's potential to have been worse than it was.

phishy · 20/07/2022 22:29

Lunadreamer · 20/07/2022 22:28

Take a big deep breath.

Something to think about is why did your eldest child lash out at your younger child when you were the one he wss angry at?

How much one to one attention does he get from you both?

The issue is OP’s twat H, not her son.

phishy · 20/07/2022 22:30

LondonWolf · 20/07/2022 22:28

My ex used to find ways to blame me for every single thing that went wrong with regards to our children. To this day I call him "Billy Blamer" when I speak about him, even to my teens, they've heard him do it so it makes them laugh. He was hugely abusive in many ways. Blaming is actually pretty toxic and abusive if done often and going only one way.

This. It’s death by a thousand cuts.

AllFreeOwls · 20/07/2022 22:30

What happened isn't your fault and your H is out of order to shift the blame onto you and try and make you feel at fault.

Evenstar · 20/07/2022 22:31

You have done nothing wrong, but DH is not supporting you with discipline and then trying to blame you for your toddler’s behaviour. If the children are in bed I think you should make yourself a hot drink and go to bed. I am sure you are getting lots of things right, but comments like that really undermine your confidence

pumpkinpie01 · 20/07/2022 22:31

Ah , bless you . Lack of sleep combined with toddler tantrums and then unhelpful comments like that is bound to take its toll . You were right to tell your son off for pushing you he has to learn he can't hurt people and of course you were going to be angry him pushing a high chair over ! Try and get as much sleep as you can and have a chat with dh tomorrow.