AIBU to be upset at DH saying this about our baby's accident

[Ahwell123]

Our 3 year old had a tantrum today. Sometimes he really loses his mind. I am taking him to our GP.

Today I told him he couldn't put his shoes in the paddling pool. He pushed me and I told him off. He ran into the kitchen and pushed the highchair over that had our baby in it. It was horrific. Baby cried a lot but seems absolutely fine. I have been watching him all afternoon

Anyway me and DH were chatting about DS and his tantrums. DS was very very sorry. Giving baby lots of kisses and crying himself and saying sorry sorry. Anyway DH just said to me

"I don't blame you for what happened but you did sound a bit emotional and angry when you told DS off and then he did what he did"

And I just burst into tears. I'm so exhausted trying to keep everyone happy. Telling DS off but remaining calm and all that. And any sentence that starts "I don't blame you but"...

I'm sitting here in tears and DH has stormed to bed calling me insane for getting so upset.

AIBU?

@JustHarriet it's weird I never thought of him as a narcissistic as he's insecure and can be v quiet. But I do feel everything is about him somehow.

OP,
Threatening suicide is text book abusive controlling behaviour.

Should he threaten it again, call the police.

If you leave and he texts you the threat, you ring the police, tell them, and they will do a welfare check and call to his address.

They are well use to abusive men threatening suicide.

Do not allow this awful man threaten, controll and manipulate.

Tell your parents and make your plans.

OP speak to your mother. She may surprise you. I’d be amazed if she didn’t have a very good picture of it all formed already. Don’t presume her reaction. Talk to her.
You can do this.

(And yes I did the nappy so he won. But I don't care anymore. I just want to look after my DS)

He didn't win-he showed himself to be nasty & spiteful to the point of leaving his child in discomfort.

I hate him just reading that!

Won himself a divorce by the sounds of it...

I went home to see my parents alone. My dad is too pissed to talk to. He has spent all day boozing and he was fine with the DC but after their bedtime just hit it pretty hard and is more interested in talking to me about "the world has gone to shit" than anything to do with me. He has been a pissed grumpy bloke for all I can remember but it's definitely getting worse

Anyway long story short no telling my parents anything today. Feeling less angry towards DH. Least he doesn't drink and spend all evening slurring and hiccuping.

But I know you're all right. Just gonna be doing this alone I think without perhaps my parents being v involved.

Least he doesn't drink and spend all evening slurring and hiccuping.

That cannot be your bar.

Unfortunately this IS OP's bar. If you are raised by a benign, disinterested, emotionally unavailable drinker, you have to work very very hard on your bar.

Take it from one who knows.

You’ve had a traumatic day and it’s ok to cry, but try not to blame yourself. I think it’s good that you’re taking your 3 year old to the GP - it shows that you are putting in effort, so that is certainly something your husband can’t deny and you should credit yourself for being a caring mum. Perhaps the 3 year old is confused by the mismatch in discipline by the two of you? Your husband seems quite lax, and based on his remark to you, it doesn’t sound like he’s comfortable disciplining your child? It sounds like the situation possibly upset him but his frustration is misdirected at you, and that’s not on. He needs to step up and get on the same page as you and not show indifference when little one kicks off.

Oh Op that is sad that you can't get support from your parents.

He doesn't spend his evening drinking-but he's as useless as if he did!

You have a lot to think about.

Holding on to anger isn't always a good thing-as long as you don't lose sight of how awful your husband is!

Sounds like you have a fair bit to unpick(within yourself and your expectations of a partner) here, but also sounds as though you recognise this. You should not need to put up with the PA skiving crap from your DH. It's setting a very poor example to your dcs too.

You said you needed therapy to figure out why you keep ending up with losers.. this is why OP. Your bar is so low.

Yes, absolutely recommend you listen to Debbie Mirza's book The Passive-Aggressive Narcissist (available on Audible), they don't come across at all like the stereotypical narcissist and yet it is all about them.

This can’t be your comparison to what a good bloke must then be.they are both arswholes here.but what your dad did does not excuse all your dp has done.
because it also looks like you are trying to find yet more excuses for dp. “Well he could be a drunk”what.so your lucky? No op go back and list and read all your dp has done. You can’t compare.
alos don’t right off dad from one drunken night.he’s obviously not going to be helpful when drunk,don’t he this as a back out.rest. Rest rest. Use them if they are in better straits today.

Op do get therapy dont compare who is the worst in the scenraio hes useslless father and husband thats what matters
and manuipulative with his i thought we were so happy nonsense and fetting upset

make moves to leave or him leave

Thank you to all your comments everyone. And yes I agree @ReneBumsWombats @MrsTerryPratchett @Poptart4 that my bar is so low. And I will call the police @billy1966

I am not saying DH is ok because he doesn't get drunk like DF. I just feel totally overwhelmed at the moment - because even though DF is a great dad in lots of ways - I realise now that he was drunk and sulky for most of my childhood. And DM just worked out around it.

Things kicked off again with DH this morning. Over the shopping. He said he was going to buy some food, and anyway won't bore you with the details but ended up with him shouting "You will show me some god damn respect" and then me saying "I'm not disrespecting you, I'm just disagreeing with you" and he said "It's your stupid feminist pride again, pride comes before a fall, when I leave you then your pride won't be much good to you"

Anyway - horrible fight. He's now in our bedroom 'sorting out his finances'. He also shouted 'you won't like it when you have to live in a little flat with these two kids when we have to sell the house'

Anyway - tomorrow I'm meant to be going to the office (in London) and then to my sister (also in London) and leaving DH with the kids all day and evening. I think it's fine, but I also have this territorial instinct in me to not leave. But he's on holiday at the moment and I'm working full time. I'm meant to be going for a promotion at work. My boss needs to be do things etc. But I just worry he'll take them to his parents or something. Or change the locks. I'm so fucking scared. And so alone. He shouted in front of the kids this morning and I hate myself so much that this is their life. I wanted it to be so different. And now I'm trying to send emails and talk about work things and I just keep welling up.

I don't know if anyone is still following this thread but pls talk to me.

I don't even know how to get therapy because I can't do it online because DH is always always here. And I don't want to leave the house.

Thank you to everyone who has commented or been so supportive by the way. It's pathetic how much I have checked in with this thread to read nice messages to cheer myself up.

Hey, I’m sitting here at my desk reading this and thinking of you. There are real life people who want the best for you and your kids, even though we are all strangers.

Keep focussed on your job. You can’t start falling under his control (not going to work in case he does something crazy with the kids).

If you lived in a smaller place with your kids. How would things be? It's laughable that this is his idea of a threat.

What makes you think he'd change the locks?

And it’s not pathetic to come here to cheer yourself up! Support often comes from quite unexpected places when there’s a crisis.

As he literally can't be bothered to change a nappy, its unlikely he will be bothered to do anything with them.

You poor poor pet.
I feel so sorry for you.

Can you ring 101 for advice.
You are scared and need support.
He is hugely abusive.

Could you ring your parents and tell them how desperate you are?

Ring your GP?

This is not a good man.
This relationship is over.

So things will be calmer when you are not dealing with his abuse.

Where is your mother?

him shouting "You will show me some god damn respect" and then me saying "I'm not disrespecting you, I'm just disagreeing with you" and he said "It's your stupid feminist pride again, pride comes before a fall, when I leave you then your pride won't be much good to you"

I hate him. This is what he thinks of you and even your family.

I'm pretty sure that legally he can't change the locks without your consent and if he does, you've got the legal right to have a locksmith break in (happy to be corrected by someone who knows better but as you're married and, I assume, on the deeds, that's my understanding).

If you have any family close by, can they go round tomorrow to "help" him with the kids? If you're worried, although I can't see the lazy fucker who threatens abandonment suddenly taking on responsibilities.

His whole attitude has changed this afternoon. He's coming back from the shops all sad and 'I know you don't love me anymore'. He keeps saying how cold I've become and why aren't I more upset.

But I need to go to work and be on it. I can't afford to be crying all day. I don't want the kids to see and I need this promotion. So I guess I'm just keeping it together. He keeps asking 'do you want to do more round the house, then will you stop being so cold and unloving etc'. I don't know - I just think I've stuck up for myself in recent days/weeks. And he doesnt' like it.

Anyway - thank you all. I don't' think he will change the locks. He wont' do anything I guess. Feels like we are at day one of a very hard, horrible journey.

If he gets really angry, I'll call 101.

He senses he's losing his control over you, so he's cycling through different behaviours in an attempt to get you to come back to heel.

Try to detach from it and just observe it, don't react. He wants a reaction, any reaction, because that shows you're still in the game and invested in him.