AIBU to be upset at DH saying this about our baby's accident

[Ahwell123]

Our 3 year old had a tantrum today. Sometimes he really loses his mind. I am taking him to our GP.

Today I told him he couldn't put his shoes in the paddling pool. He pushed me and I told him off. He ran into the kitchen and pushed the highchair over that had our baby in it. It was horrific. Baby cried a lot but seems absolutely fine. I have been watching him all afternoon

Anyway me and DH were chatting about DS and his tantrums. DS was very very sorry. Giving baby lots of kisses and crying himself and saying sorry sorry. Anyway DH just said to me

"I don't blame you for what happened but you did sound a bit emotional and angry when you told DS off and then he did what he did"

And I just burst into tears. I'm so exhausted trying to keep everyone happy. Telling DS off but remaining calm and all that. And any sentence that starts "I don't blame you but"...

I'm sitting here in tears and DH has stormed to bed calling me insane for getting so upset.

AIBU?

@PeekabooAtTheZoo

'Didn't handle it perfectly'

what was she supposed to do? Not tell him not to put shoes in the paddling pool??? Not tell him not to push/hit her?

@Ahwell123 Honestly, I know you don't want to hear this, but your 'D'H. Is a twat.

he shouts & swears at a very small child, hardly modelling appropriate behaviour is he??

But he thinks you shouldn't tell DS off?

Then he blames you for DS hurting the baby.. wanker.

YOU didn't do anything wrong.

DS is 3, their impulse control isn't fully developed. Their ability to link isn't perfect when they're angry! I'd say he intended to push the high chair over, but not to hurt the baby.

once he realised he'd hurt the baby he was remorseful & tried to 'look after' the baby.

I think that today you need to have a talk to him about all of it from the shoes onwards. Explain that none of it is acceptable behaviour.

what's his speech like?

as for DH you need to talk to him too.

keep in mind YOU didn't do anything wrong!! You can't let a 3 year old throw inappropriate stuff in the paddling pool or push you just because you don't want to tell them off

maybe you BOTH need to spend some Big Boy time with DS if he's resentful
of the baby.

BUT YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG!!

Op, the fact he makes your life harder says it all. As does the way he deals with your son by swearing at him etc.

Life will be a whole lot easier on your own with the children.

OP you are a brilliant parent, don't doubt that for one second. You deserve much better than your H. Being single is a lot better. Take it from me, I stayed far too long - men like this don't improve. Your DC will get older and easier to manage but it will still be All On You raising these children despite your H, not with him as a team. I really do wish I had ended my marriage at a much earlier stage of my children's lives. Good luck.

Your 3 year old is having dangerous tantrums. Gentle parenting does not work Step up and be proper parents and start discipline your child for the safety of your other child. The worlds gone mad.

I think that any parent would be 'emotional and angry' if their three year old pushed over their baby's high chair. A completely normal reaction and (provided you stay in control) it does a 3 year old no harm to see a parent angry in this situation as they need to understand that their behaviour has crossed a major red line. (Shoes in the paddling pool is just standard 3 year old stuff, I wouldn't allow it but wouldn't get angry either).

I think that any parent would be 'emotional and angry' if their three year old pushed over their baby's high chair.

I think any three year old would be failing to learn anger management and respect for others if they have a parent who shouts and swears at them.

It sounds like you dealt with it perfectly well and not emotionally at all.

you mention the doctor in your first post so I’m not sure if you are thinking your son may have SEND. I just wanted to say that my DS has learning disabilities and is autistic and he has a habit of mirroring, so if I start to get annoyed with him if he’s feeling overwhelmed everything starts to escalate. His dad never saw this for years and whenever something happened and DH dealt with it things would blow up out of all proportion. DS was already feeling overwhelmed, upset, embarrassed, angry and someone telling him off made it worse. Your description doesn’t sound like that happened but I’m sharing in case my experience resonates.

Just wanted to say OP, you didn’t do anything wrong in this situation. And I understand why you’re tired with it all. How are things this morning? Sending love!

DH is giving me the silent treatment. He only muttered to himself about me being ridiculous and that he said he didn't blame me.

Is it just but saying "I don't blame you BUT" usually means you are blaming them??

For people worried about baby....thank you...yes he did hit his head as he went backwards. He is currently giggling while covering himself in weetabix. He seems v much himself and there is no mark. I looked online and he's not showing any signs of concussion at all.

Maybe I'm being naive but I don't believe DS meant to harm baby. He has almighty tantrums when he pushes things over. He was shocked and upset when it happened. He loves baby and usually spends time helping me with nappies, cuddles him a lot, etc. DS is a loving little boy but when he gets mad he loses control. He has a bit of a speech delay but absolutely we understand one another to have a calm conversation about it again today

Thank you for all the support. Couldn't stop crying last night.

DH still in bed. Guess we will see what happens when he gets up.

Is it just but saying "I don't blame you BUT" usually means you are blaming them??

Of course it is. Like when someone says "no offence but..." right before saying something really fucking offensive.

He was being smug it happened on your watch. If he's still giving you the silent treatment today I would be telling him you won't accept that as its abusive, so he has until x time today to pull his head out of his arse, be a grown up and treat you like a human or you'll be leaving rethinking your marriage.

Yanbu. Your DH is feeling all superior that it happened when you were with your 3 year old. He should be more concerned about your toddlers behaviour and your baby's safety after the incident rather than trying to blame you.

3 year olds have tantrums and accidents happen, your DH was there when it happened so why didn't he intervene? You sound exhausted trying to do everything op, this is absolutely not your fault.

So your husband could have prevented it but didn't bother?

Perhaps you should go out for the day & leave him to it?

Plainly, Father needs to step up to the plate and provide more supervision of active toddler so he can manifest superior parenting strategies by example.

Your DH could have dealt with it more sensitively but if he witnessed the incident then chances are he did see something that wad inflammatory to the 3YO so maybe you should take it on board. Perhaps for the sake of your kids you should both be the adults and have a reasoned discussion about it instead of sulking with each other.

No a 3YO absolutely shouldn't get away with tantruming but it's obvious that screaming and shouting back at them or chastising them is only going to fuel the flames. By the very nature of a true tantrum the child has lost all sense of self control. They need to be removed and put into a safe environement CALMLY then talk about consequences and why their behaviour was wrong AFTER they've regained composure and are actually able to listen and self regulate.

OP perhaps your DH was trying to not so elequently say this. I'd recommend reading a book called 'how to talk so little kids will listen' and trying your best to actually talk to DH about this. He's getting a bit of an unfair grilling on here with very limited information IMHO. But then this is MN and it generally tends to give blokes a hard time ...

You don’t have 2 kids. You have 3. No wonder you are exhausted.

The grown man that is your husband is now behaving like a sulky 5 year old when they realise they did/said something to upset someone, but aren’t yet mature enough to handle it.

You’ve very likely got decades of this ahead of you…. These immature men hardly ever change, in fact, more often than not, they get worse.

If you want to attempt to save your marriage (and your sanity) I think counselling is the only way forward. Bet you he won’t do it though.

Except it is DH who who shouts and swears at DS, not OP. Even on this occasion, OP did not shout or scream as you put it.

This is MN and we call out posters like you who don’t even bother to read OP’s posts and yet always find a woman to blame.

I missed ONE post in between all the dad bashing that was happening well before OP even wrote that post... And I stand by what I said. It sounds like they both need to grow up and get a grip for the sake of those children tbh

@Blackbird2020 I suggested counselling 6 months ago maybe after a couple of big rows. He just got very upset and said

"I'm happy. I thought you were happy too. I can't believe it. I feel totally betrayed. Etc"

I did push it a little but then he cried with the whole "I thought we were happy" stuff again and I just didn't bring it up again.

Wow. He sounds worse with every post. This man is very manipulative.

Oh God OP he sounds awful. Pathetic, critical, nasty.

He sounds an ineffectual, verbally aggressive and unpleasant father, and a manipulative, name-calling, and unpleasant husband.

His comments after you suggested counselling are ludicrous.

12 minutes after OP’s first post she says DH always criticises her whilst doing nothing himself.

That should have been enough for a clue to you that this man is a twat.

Funny how you were immediately able to notice you missed a post.

Well your DH is a massive prick.

Shouting and swearing at a 3 year old? How horrible.

Watching an accident unfold and then blaming you, when he was the one in arms reach of the baby and did nothing?

Now, not speaking to you?

He sounds like a horrible man. You don't have to put up with any of this you know.

I don't know how you can even look at him, to be honest.

I’m sorry to hear that OP. I don’t know how you can keep going. A relationship with someone like this is unsustainable. You will have years of mental suffering ahead of you. What you have witnessed from him in the past is what you will get from him in the future. Have no doubt about that.

Given the failed attempt at encouraging some kind of mature conversation about your marriage, would you consider leaving him? The kids are very young, which will mean a separation will probably be less traumatic for them.

Sounds like your DH is incapable of recognising his own emotions, but calls you emotional or insane when he sees yours.

Blaming you for whats happened, calling you insane, giving you the silent treatment none of those things are okay.

You need that counselling you wanted, but I would go with or without him, to at least help you understand how you want your life to look.