AIBU to be upset at DH saying this about our baby's accident

[Ahwell123]

Our 3 year old had a tantrum today. Sometimes he really loses his mind. I am taking him to our GP.

Today I told him he couldn't put his shoes in the paddling pool. He pushed me and I told him off. He ran into the kitchen and pushed the highchair over that had our baby in it. It was horrific. Baby cried a lot but seems absolutely fine. I have been watching him all afternoon

Anyway me and DH were chatting about DS and his tantrums. DS was very very sorry. Giving baby lots of kisses and crying himself and saying sorry sorry. Anyway DH just said to me

"I don't blame you for what happened but you did sound a bit emotional and angry when you told DS off and then he did what he did"

And I just burst into tears. I'm so exhausted trying to keep everyone happy. Telling DS off but remaining calm and all that. And any sentence that starts "I don't blame you but"...

I'm sitting here in tears and DH has stormed to bed calling me insane for getting so upset.

AIBU?

Perhaps tell your DH he may have a point and you need a break from the DC for a weekend/few days. Go and visit relatives/friends and leave him to cope alone with them. He might begin to understand just how demanding two young DCs can be.

Oh yeah, I guessed it would be something like that. Rather than face the fact that his baby could have been seriously hurt because he wasn’t watching him like he should have been, he’s taking it out on you.

he won’t change you know, this is what he’ll always be like, and this is what he’ll always do when he fucks up and doesn’t want to take responsibility. This isn’t a glitch, it’s a feature.

DH sometimes shouts and swears at DS.

At your three year old.

Oh OP. The nerve of him to imply you're the irresponsible / negligent parent when this is how he operates 🙄

He watched you deal with a situation, waiting for you to 'fail' in his eyes so he could criticise you.

"I don't think (x) but" means that everything after "but" is "here's what I really think."

He just sounds like a prick OP.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a prick and teach your children that it's ok to be a prick to your partner / for your partner to be a prick to you?

Hard agree.

The ridiculousness of thinking that shouting and swearing at a three year old will somehow teach them to regulate their temper / feelings is absolute madness.

I would suggest speaking to your health visitor about this, to your GP.

Man mountain was in the house. He needs to get off his arse and do a bit of parenting because it sounds like DS is learning his behaviour from DH.

I recommend the book “how to talk so little kids will listen”. It sounds like you and DH need to align your parenting strategies and come to an agreement on how to talk to your 3 year old. It’s easy to get angry and upset and blame each other when you don’t have control. Your DH shouldn’t be shouting and swearing at a 3 year old and you shouldn’t feel you need to take your child to a GP because they don’t listen to you and get angry.

This.

DH sounds awful but just look out for any signs of concussion, I’m more worried about your baby at this point as you said he went backwards and I assume he hit his head ☹️

www.nhs.uk/conditions/head-injury-and-concussion/

Maybe your husband, with his perfect? parenting skills should take over child care far more often, rather than offer lofty criticism.
You have the closest relationship with them and are more likely to get the tantrums. You were quite right to tell your 3 year old off and I believe that he was genuinely sorry for what happened.Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your children; an apology from a 3 year old is big, and he will have learnt a valuable lesson, guided by you, re consequences and dealing with mistakes.
I completely understand why you are upset. 💐

I think cause and effect was lost in the red mist of your toddler's rage. He just did the naughtiest thing he could think of.

That must have been a terrifying incident and I think you both need to prepare and then sit down with the toddler to discuss it. Your DH was very unsupportive to put it mildly but perhaps he's making excuses for your son's behaviour.

Your DH sounds like a dick. When you are calm I’d say to him don’t do that ever again. We have a problem with DS and it will take both of us to solve.

Your DS needs some kind of intervention as pushing over the highchir is not normal behaviour.

Oh I'm so sorry @Ahwell123 , how frightening! Glad baby is okay.

No, it's not your fault, and a 'spirited' 3 year old can be so demoralising (btdt). They need clear, firm, predictable boundaries and a united parenting front. It's so difficult!

I also wondered where your dh was, close enough to hear (and judge) how you told off the 3 year old but not close enough to actually help you or stop the 3 year old or anything helpful at all? I would expect dh to step in and back me up/pick up and remove toddler if he saw our 3 year old disobeying and pushing me 😲

I don't know if your dh is generally a good guy or not but I'm struggling to see how he doesn't carry most of the blame. Maybe he realises that, was frightened by the accident, and is reacting really badly by lashing out at you <-- that's my extremely generous interpretation.

OP - what you did was good parenting. We can’t be everywhere with the kids, stuff like this happens. I’m not sure what you want to do about DH - he doesn’t sound like a good parent. Right now though you need some support and a break. Do you have any family you could stay with (with your kids)? Maybe there would be an extra pair of hands so u get a break?

Your DH is blame-shifting. Why didn’t HE react faster? Or at all. He needs to pull his head out of his sphincter.

DH sometimes shouts and swears at DS.

Then we know where he's learning it.

Your DH is probably emotional and shocked too.

Just as you couldn’t keep some emotion from your voice telling your toddler off after the shoes in the pool incident, he couldn’t be the calm rational person he ought to be trying to be after the baby tipping over incident. and now you can’t chalk it up to emotion after feeling blamed for your baby tipping.

We can all be more emotional than would be ideal or, rather, emotional in less than useful ways than is ideal. We need to forgive ourselves and each other.

Give it a bit of time. Then, when you can have a chat without letting the emotion drive things, talk about it, tell him how much it hurt you when you needed his support. Hopefully you’ll all do a bit better next time.

Your DH is probably emotional and shocked too.

Probably. But he's definitely a knob.

YANBU- your husband should support you in stressful situations not make it worse.
For what it’s worth, both my children had awful temper tantrums from the ages of about 2-4 and they are perfectly nice adults now! It’s just a stage some children go through and your son sounds genuinely sorry.

I'm sorry to say this OP, but your DS sounds dangerous. I'd be keeping him away from the baby from now on. Where is he picking up such violence & aggression from?

Your DH def sounds emotionally abusive but if he's also physically abusive then you need to leave asap

PS - it was NOT your fault

DH is a useless twat. He actively looks for criticisms and enjoys making you upset. He shouts and swears at his son, who is learning all the wrong behaviours from him. He did absolutely nothing to help you or your children in that situation. He needs to take a good look at himself.

Yep. Nobody should be swearing at a 3 year old and basically saying "ner ner, you did what you tell me not to do, and now look" means he sounds about 12 himself. How enormously offputting in a partner.

He clearly learnt that behaviour from his dad, who lashes out at his wife because of his son's behaviour.