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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset at DH saying this about our baby's accident

241 replies

Ahwell123 · 20/07/2022 22:11

Our 3 year old had a tantrum today. Sometimes he really loses his mind. I am taking him to our GP.

Today I told him he couldn't put his shoes in the paddling pool. He pushed me and I told him off. He ran into the kitchen and pushed the highchair over that had our baby in it. It was horrific. Baby cried a lot but seems absolutely fine. I have been watching him all afternoon

Anyway me and DH were chatting about DS and his tantrums. DS was very very sorry. Giving baby lots of kisses and crying himself and saying sorry sorry. Anyway DH just said to me

"I don't blame you for what happened but you did sound a bit emotional and angry when you told DS off and then he did what he did"

And I just burst into tears. I'm so exhausted trying to keep everyone happy. Telling DS off but remaining calm and all that. And any sentence that starts "I don't blame you but"...

I'm sitting here in tears and DH has stormed to bed calling me insane for getting so upset.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SherbertLemonDrop · 20/07/2022 22:31

Your husbands a fool.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 20/07/2022 22:32

It’s not your fault, you can’t control the actions of another human being, even your own child. The fact your DH thinks you can tells you everything sbout how involved he is as a parent and how often he actually parents.
Sometimes babies have dramatic looking accidents and they are totally fine. Sometimes little tumbles cause serious injuries. Babies are contrary.
Sometimes toddlers escalate to test your boundaries and they need to know they can count on you. Sometimes they just want to chuck shoes in a pool.
Your DH is an adult. If he wants to help, he should have either supervised the baby or sorted out the toddler instead of leaving you effectively dealing with both alone. He doesn’t get a say in how you handled it because he didn’t handle it at all.
It sounds like you had a tough day. I hope you get some time to regroup before the night wakings.
Flowers

DelurkingLawyer · 20/07/2022 22:33

And yes you were right to be horrified about your baby going over in his high chair. He could have broken his neck. Then you have a tetraplegic child and a three year old who has to live for the rest of his life knowing that he was responsible for it. Thank god for both your children that baby is ok.

Your husband, however, is a wanker.

Mariposista · 20/07/2022 22:33

That comment was insensitive and inappropriate OP. It isn’t your fault. Your husband needs to spend less time making silly observations and more time helping you to manage your son’s atrocious behaviour. Your poor baby - I hope he is ok (sounds like he is and fortunately he is too little to remember).

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 20/07/2022 22:34

Oh OP we have a very difficult and strong willed toddler here too and a baby and we have had a few incidents were the poor baby has been in DS's firing line- luckily never any actual injuries caused either.

Firstly - no one can stay calm 100% of the time. Do not for one second think you're reaction to the paddling pool incident caused the highchair incident.

Secondly - DS's reaction to potentially hurting the baby was a good one; at least he showed remorse and hopefully he will think twice in future when it comes to the baby

The most important though- baby doesn't seem to be injured and won't remember this.

We had to make sure our DS was away from the baby for a while when he was first born, as in when he had a tantrum I would have to separate them as he just didnt seem able to control his temper. On occasion that meant shutting him behind a stair gate or leaving the baby crying for a short while to calm DS.

Things will improve. I read a really interesting book recently called easy to love difficult to discipline and it gave me some good things to try (it's not all achievable all
Of the time but a good way to help you feel more in control maybe?)

Please don't be hard on yourself - your DH was really unfair and unkind and you've had a really rubbish day. Sending lots of love and solidarity. Hang in there. There will be better days x

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 20/07/2022 22:34

DelurkingLawyer · 20/07/2022 22:33

And yes you were right to be horrified about your baby going over in his high chair. He could have broken his neck. Then you have a tetraplegic child and a three year old who has to live for the rest of his life knowing that he was responsible for it. Thank god for both your children that baby is ok.

Your husband, however, is a wanker.

Slightly OTT and unecessary

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 20/07/2022 22:36

Without being there we don't know how emotional or angry you were. And if you were emotional maybe you did cause him to lash out. But you didn't do it on purpose and you couldn't have predicted what would happen!

Whiskeypowers · 20/07/2022 22:36

Your husband is unsupportive and petulant

what he should have done in the circumstances and what he actually did are poles apart

Original poster
Ahwell123 · 20/07/2022 22:38

DS was shell shocked. I mean he meant to push it over as he knows what will happen if it runs at the high chair full pelt but he was very very upset and kept following the baby round all day kissing him and saying sorry. DS was shocked. We all were.But yeah it's really concerning

DH sometimes shouts and swears at DS. And I always tell DH he needs to be calm and mature and nurturing etc. And basically DH was doing some sort of gotcha...like "you got annoyed at DS like you told me not to and then DS ended up really hurting his brother". And as soon as Dh said it - I just burst into tears. I spend early bloody day of my life trying to keep the calm and be the responsible parent and today our toddler has done the worst thing he's ever done...and DH turns it on me

I'm livid.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 20/07/2022 22:39

i have a family member who says things like this, I’ve now started saying ‘are you trying to blame me for what happened?’

its funny when you say it out loud, it changes it completely.

no it absolutely was not your fault. You were being a good parent. That’s your job. This place is full of threads about lazy parents who don’t bother to talk to their children when they do something wrong. You are not one of them.

you did everything right. Sometimes when you are the only one that’s doing the right thing, it feels lonely but do not doubt yourself.

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 20/07/2022 22:41

Just read your update- DH shouting and swearing at the toddler is definitely a problem- get him to some parenting classes or to read a parenting book like the one I mentioned! Not fair at all to try and one up you because of his own shitty reactions.

BaublesAndGlitter · 20/07/2022 22:47

This isn't your fault OP but I have to ask if you can see the connection between a father who can't control his temper so shouts and swears at his young son and a young boy who sees this, loses his temper and takes it out on the other (younger, smaller) person in the family?

Your DS doesn't know how to deal with his feelings when he's frustrated and angry and he looks to his parents to show him how.
If your DH can't model calm, responsible ways of reacting (or how to treat you with kindness and resolve), DS is going to struggle to figure this out.

I think tomorrow you need a firm, cards on the table talk.

CrazyBaubles · 20/07/2022 22:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

AppleCharlottie · 20/07/2022 22:48

This is not your fault OP and baby is fine thank goodness. Talk things through with DH in the morning.
Just in case DS has a tantrum again...is there any way of securing the highchair so it can't be pushed over by him like this? Maybe put it in a corner with a table or something at the third side? Better safe than sorry.
Have a cup of tea and try to relax for a while now.

NFLBingo · 20/07/2022 22:50

It doesn’t sound like there is anything ‘dear’ about your ‘DH’, he’s a condescending div who has no right to critique your parenting style when his is awful. Who swears at a 3 year old?! Tell him to get to fuck and take a good look at himself before he opens his horrible mouth.

ThanksAntsThants · 20/07/2022 22:50

You were outside with the toddler, so where was your H, in the kitchen with the baby? Presumably he was with the baby, right, because if one parent is in one place with one child, the other parent is usually in the other place with the other child if the other child is awake.

is that why he’s blaming you, because he wasn’t watching the baby and he should have been? Is this his way of deflecting blame?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 20/07/2022 22:51

You're not insane.
3 y.o's need directions and guidance they also need to learn that they'll face consequences for bad behaviour, especially when the behaviour hurts others.

I am not sure the GP is the right place as the problem is most likely because your DH is ranting, you're trying to keep the peace stressing out, DS will mirror the behaviour around him.

AppleCharlottie · 20/07/2022 22:54

Also just saw your update...maybe parenting classes for DH or definitely a few books/working on stress levels at the very least. He needs to stop shouting and swearing at young children!

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 20/07/2022 22:54

After seeing your update, let’s apply some logic here. If DH is saying your opinion on his behaviour towards DS is invalid because of one incident where you didn’t handle it perfectly, then by the same logic, literally nothing he says is valid either.
He is trying to drag you down to his level. I really think you should consider LTB as your son is learning that this is how daddy solves problems—by having silly tantrums and shouting and swearing. No wonder DS is having big tantrums too.

DOBARDAN · 20/07/2022 22:56

I hope he isn't turning into one of those DH who expect you to be forever calm, smiling, and full of the joys, no matter what.

It's never easy with a toddler and baby, his attitude stinks and he needs to apologize for what he said to you.

TwinkleInMyEye123 · 20/07/2022 22:57

YANBU. Just wanted to say that if you do have any concerns about the baby, you can always call 111 and they can advise you without you having to go to A&E.

Original poster
Ahwell123 · 20/07/2022 23:02

@ThanksAntsThants So DS was with me in the garden. And baby with DH in the kitchen but few feet away.

DS and me being silly together in paddling pool. He spots his shoes on the grass. I tell him don't throw them in. He does it anyway. I said calmly but sternly "no DS, shoes don't go in the pool". DS shouts and says "quiet mummy" and pushed me. I said sounding more stern "DS use kind hands. That is not OK to push"

DS starts tantrum and runs off down the garden into the back door and goes straight up to high chair and pushes it. I get to baby before DH does. DH actually said to me straight after it happened

"Why didn't I react quicker?"

He didn't move from his seat. And when it happend he just starting gasping and saying oh no rather than helping baby.

I think he is blaming himself and projecting. I don't know. But I'm on the sofa tonight. I don't want to be anywhere near DH. This feels like the final straw. He makes my life harder, not better. When the chips are down, feel like he kicks me down harder.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 20/07/2022 23:03

"DH is always looking to find fault with my approach while doing nothing himself"

Hmmmm, I thought this might be the case. Let him look after the kids for a weekend and see how he gets on.

Lazy, criticising arse.

rwalker · 20/07/2022 23:05

I’m on the fence as can relate to what DH
with our oldest he’s very stubborn and confrontational
shout at him and he would be off like a rocket

PinkyFlamingo · 20/07/2022 23:11

DH sometimes shouts and swears at DS

You really don't have to be a psychologist to see the links between your DS behaviour and his relationship either his Dad. All you are doing by staying with this man and exposing your son to this environment is raising him to be the same as your DH.