AIBU to be upset at DH saying this about our baby's accident

[Ahwell123]

Our 3 year old had a tantrum today. Sometimes he really loses his mind. I am taking him to our GP.

Today I told him he couldn't put his shoes in the paddling pool. He pushed me and I told him off. He ran into the kitchen and pushed the highchair over that had our baby in it. It was horrific. Baby cried a lot but seems absolutely fine. I have been watching him all afternoon

Anyway me and DH were chatting about DS and his tantrums. DS was very very sorry. Giving baby lots of kisses and crying himself and saying sorry sorry. Anyway DH just said to me

"I don't blame you for what happened but you did sound a bit emotional and angry when you told DS off and then he did what he did"

And I just burst into tears. I'm so exhausted trying to keep everyone happy. Telling DS off but remaining calm and all that. And any sentence that starts "I don't blame you but"...

I'm sitting here in tears and DH has stormed to bed calling me insane for getting so upset.

AIBU?

do you want to do more round the house, then will you stop being so cold and unloving etc'.

Do you mean he asked if you wanted him to do more around the house?

It's a funny thing with abusive men but when they've finally attacked you to the point where your reaction makes it clear who they are, they can't handle it. The reality of the person they are is so far removed from the person they think they are that they start doing sad eyes, puppy eyes, all that, and just can't understand why you don't love them for it. A lot of them are so weak and brittle under all the threats, attacks and "you will respect the man, female underling" posturing, and I swear to God that makes me hate them even more.

If he gets really angry, I'll call 101.

If he gets really angry, and you are at risk, call 999.

For now, concentrate on practical things. Get the promotion, do what you need at work, sort YOUR finances, seek legal advice.

Wouldn't a small flat with the kids be lovely compared to this?

@ReneBumsWombats Ah yes - that's what I mean.

So he said to me "You're so cold these days. And disrespectful"

I said "This coming from a man who rather than change a nappy, closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep mid conversation"

And he said: "Ah, this is what it is all about. You want me to do more around the house, change a few nappies. I can do more round the house if that will make you less miserable".

His image of himself and the reality are so so different. He is a family man in his head. He can't believe I'm not more grateful for him.

He only said he'd help more, because that is helping himself (e..g not losing me). When I ask him directly to help before - he didn't. I see it now. I just feel terrified. But I do see it.

Knowledge is power OP.

You are far more powerful than you realise.

He is a weak rat of a man and he will NEVER be the man you want.

Of course you are afraid but the truth is going alone will be easier than rearing children in an abusive home.

As others have written, one step at a time.

His image of himself and the reality are so so different. He is a family man in his head. He can't believe I'm not more grateful for him.

I must admit I am concerned about you @Ahwell123 your husband sounds frightening, please call 999 if this escalates.

On the above pasted quote, if he was any kind of family man he would do things without having to be asked, he would see the need for them to be done and just crack on with it without wanting a medal for doing so either.

I also wonder if your 3 year old is picking up on some of the vibes coming off his dad which is exacerbating his behaviour.

When you leave (or he does) and this is all done and dusted I wouldn't be at all surprised if your son's behaviour improves quite dramatically.

I'm crossing everything I've got that you will be out of there and away from your husband sooner rather than later. Take care of yourself.

Everything he says and does is designed to make it sound as if you're a silly harpy making a big fuss over nothing and if only HE HAD KNOWN then yes, of course he'll do this tiny piddling thing that you are blowing way out of proportion. It's not a serious problem at all! It's a trifling little thing! Luckily he's here to be the hero!

I know exactly what you mean by the discrepancy between who he thinks he is and who he really is. The only way to square the circle is to do this.

It will be crazy making, OP. If you aren't mad yet, you soon will be after God knows how long of this and then the silly fucker will actually finally be right, although he still won't grasp why you're now crazy.

He's fine, the family is fine, the only problem is that the wifebot is malfunctioning. He can run a hoover around a bit to fix it.

This.

He senses he's losing his control over you, so he's cycling through different behaviours in an attempt to get you to come back to heel.

Disrespectful? Darvo. His behaviour towards you and his family is full of disrespect. He doesn't like that you've spotted it.

He is using DARVO as the PP has stated. Please call WA, have a chat with your sister.

yes classic abuser things hes coming out with hes the victim youre the perpertrator

no he cant kick you out or change the locks-wouldnt leave the kids with him though

He only said he'd help more, because that is helping himself (e..g not losing me). When I ask him directly to help before - he didn't. I see it now. I just feel terrified. But I do see it.

You are clearly brave going through this and seeing things that are very painful and terrifying to see. Sending you all the best of strength and wishes that you will find the right support to get away from someone like this. These kinds of people are more common than you think.

How awful of your DH!

My exh is a Billy Blamer too! Thanks @LondonWolf Im going to have to nick that one! It was my fault that DS had constipation recently for example, because there was limescale in the toilet. (DS has some sensory issues with food but generally I do a decent job of getting him to eat a varied diet)

Same ds however had quite strong impulsive behaviour when he was a toddler, less so now as older and more able to understand, but pushing things over when upset was a part of it. I’m not in any possible to comment re your son, but mine is currently being assessed for ADHD.

Ah crap, I haven’t read the full thread. Will come back and comment properly.

How are you OP?

Ah @billy1966 just saw my sister tonight and it was so good. Was so refreshing to talk to someone who cares about me and remembers what I was like before DH and DC. She's so supportive but also pretty blunt and I think would much prefer me to leave right now and never look back. She said to me that if I turn up at hers at 3am with 2dc she has my back and that feels so good to hear. Not much conversation with DH.

I am so glad to read this.
Bless your sister for being a good one who has your back and will support you.

Take your time to figure this out, but he is not a good man and getting away from him is best.

You deserve better.

I hope the promotion comes in.

Keep posting if it helps.
We are here for you.

How are things now OP? Hope you're ok!