AIBU to be upset at DH saying this about our baby's accident

[Ahwell123]

Our 3 year old had a tantrum today. Sometimes he really loses his mind. I am taking him to our GP.

Today I told him he couldn't put his shoes in the paddling pool. He pushed me and I told him off. He ran into the kitchen and pushed the highchair over that had our baby in it. It was horrific. Baby cried a lot but seems absolutely fine. I have been watching him all afternoon

Anyway me and DH were chatting about DS and his tantrums. DS was very very sorry. Giving baby lots of kisses and crying himself and saying sorry sorry. Anyway DH just said to me

"I don't blame you for what happened but you did sound a bit emotional and angry when you told DS off and then he did what he did"

And I just burst into tears. I'm so exhausted trying to keep everyone happy. Telling DS off but remaining calm and all that. And any sentence that starts "I don't blame you but"...

I'm sitting here in tears and DH has stormed to bed calling me insane for getting so upset.

AIBU?

Its horrible to live with because you feel like you need to be completely perfect which is impossible or else he will do things wildly wrong and you wont be able to say anything

It's also horrible because the relationship is not based on support and understanding. It's a competitive, point-scoring, tit-for-tat shitfest that makes for constant stress and anxiety.

OK so putting shoes in the paddling pool, mehr, it's hot, shoes dry and he is the one wearing wet shoes so will have to live with it I would have told him no but then when he didn't listen just show him the state of his shoes and make him wear them wet.

Knocking the high chair over of course deserves a royal roasting and you probably reacted in fear for the baby, who wouldn't we've all been there. It isn't ok and your toddler needs to learn this. He's 3 and he doesn't understand just reacts on impulse.

As for what your husband says really he should only comment on situations that he has actually seen. We all deal with things differently

@NoKnit I'm confused - he did see it.

@ReneBumsWombats Yeah - we don't feel like a team. I think possibly he is very selfish.

It's just a small thing, but he insists on doing his own washing. He keeps it separate and doesn't do the kids/sheets etc. And he just manages his by himself. And sometimes he might scoop up the odd sock of mine and he always makes a little jokey comment 'Oh I did something of yours by mistake, I must be feeling generous'

I know that seems silly. But he doesn't feel like a team in this house at all.

He will often point out things that are wrong 'the toys are a mess, there is banana on the floor'. Last week I said 'you know you can sort it out yourself rather than broadcasting it' - and he went into a huff. Said "I wasn't telling you to tidy it up, just letting you know, why are you so bloody sensitive all the time"

We are meant to be going to my parents with the boys this weekend which I am dreading as he is absolutely his very worst when he goes there. I think perhaps it's something about not being in control of the situation but he always complains to me about not being given enough food, takes himself off to bed at 8.30 to look at his phone, looks at his phone when my mum is trying to talk to him. I hate it.

Anyway - giving example after example of why I find it so hard to be with him is a waste of all of your time - I've got to bloody do something about it. I'm so scared about it. I can't imagine doing it. I can imagine life without him, but can't imagine saying the words, or doing the whole sharing the kids thing.

OP,

"You are so sensitive" is from the handbook of abusers.

It's used to shut you down.

He only does his laundry, so unbelievably selfish when he won't do his children's.

Contact your parents.
Tell them the truth.

Can you get to your parents home without him?

Tell him that you want space fr him and will go alone.

Tell him that you need space from him as you are not happy and you think his treatment of you is abusive.

Go to your parents and ask for their support.

This man is truly awful.

Do you really think in reality a man this lazy will want 50/50?

Abusive men say that but they don't want it.
It is just to keep you in line.

Think about going alone.

I haven't been there myself, but I know there are a LOT of amazing women on here who have. I'm sure some of them will be alone soon to give you more practical advice about what to do or say, precisely.

I can tell you this: you're not crazy. Feeling this way in such a situation is the sane response. I couldn't hack it.

Your DH is a fucking prick.

No wonder your son has these outbursts when is gets dismissed by his dickhead dad and mum takes the blame.

I'd honestly sack him off after a comment like that.

I’ve just found this thread, OP please leave him. You said it yourself - he doesn’t bring you any happiness and your children will be feeling that too. He is absolutely abusive, insensitive and that is unforgivable.

Good luck with your promotion. Kick him out, claim child support through the office channels (none of this I’ll give you cash as and when) he may say he wants the children regularly but from what you’ve said here it’ll only last a few weeks until it tails off to nothing. Selfish man child.

Why don't you go to your parents' alone OP? With the DC of course, because he clearly can't parent them. Give yourself a break, get your head straight, not have to deal with him for a while.

FWIW blame is about a semblance of control. If he blames you, the accident was controllable and therefore not scary. You can change and it won't happen. Added to that his guilt is assuaged and he can move on by transferring his guilt to you. Same with refusing counselling, that's all about taking your part in the relationship. He doesn't want to.

Good luck with the promotion. I suspect you'll need it.

He only does his laundry and not the kids. Says it all. He sees you as default actual parent but him as head of the household. Not you two as equal partners in a team.

A man who can't control his own temper, capable of shouting and swearing at a three year old on multiple occasions, is not going to be capable of teaching that child to manage his/her own temper.

What a hypocritical, manipulative and selfish man he is based on what you've said on here not just about this incident but his general behaviour and specific examples such as a guilt tripping you when you suggested counselling.

I know it's scary going it alone OP but not as scary as forever with someone like him, especially with resentment and tension growing over time. He's unwilling to change. This is how it would be forever, absolute best case scenario. More likely scenario is it feeling worse and worse.

Growing up in a tense, resentful and unequal household is also really damaging for the kids living there so please do take that into consideration.

I think it would be a good idea to go to your parents without him & talk to them for some real life support.

They might be relieved to know that you are thinking of getting rid!

Just what I was going to say, @diddl !

I'd go to your parents by yourself. Talk to them about the problems you're having. That way you can have a break from him.

His behaviour at your parents' is designed to put you on edge and stress you. How rude he is.

Hi OP - plenty of people have given you advice on your husband, so I won’t bother with that side of it, but I just wanted to say that I would have reacted exactly the same as you had my 3-year-old pushed me. Please don’t feel bad about ‘disliking’ your son when he misbehaved or has a tantrum - it wasn’t him you disliked, it was his behaviour, and so you should have done! And you can tell him that “ I love you, but I really didn’t like your behaviour when you did that.” But I have a feeling that he shocked himself with what happened - he probably never realised the high chair would fall over, & so it won’t happen again. It’s been steaming hot this week, lots of us have been on a short fuse - your toddler just lost control for a moment, that’s all. Nothing every toddler in the world hasn’t done before. You’re doing brilliantly.

Agree with others. Go to your parents alone. Tell them everything. Get some rl support. Make a plan. Don't keep this a secret.

He's being a dick.

Book yourself into a spa. Leave him with the kids and see how he gets on.

He will often point out things that are wrong 'the toys are a mess, there is banana on the floor'. Last week I said 'you know you can sort it out yourself rather than broadcasting it' - and he went into a huff. Said "I wasn't telling you to tidy it up, just letting you know, why are you so bloody sensitive all the time"

But he is! He knows he is! Don't accept answers like that. Pointing things out to you takes as much effort as binning the bloody banana.

He didn't like me bringing it up and was v defensive and we had a big fight.

I suggested counselling 6 months ago maybe after a couple of big rows. He just got very upset and said "I'm happy. I thought you were happy too. I can't believe it. I feel totally betrayed. Etc"

I did push it a little but then he cried with the whole "I thought we were happy" stuff again and I just didn't bring it up again.

DH is giving me one word answers, being grumpy with DS again this morning etc and generally has a face like thunder.

And you are the "bloody sensitive all the time" one according to him?!

What a prick.

Honestly OP, imagine living like this forever. Because that's why staying with him looks like.

I'd be tempted to do the same back to him. Point out bananas and toys like it's his job.

I think your error was leaving your baby unattended in his high chair.

I think your error was leaving your baby unattended in his high chair.

She didn't. The useless DH was there.

@user29

I think your error was leaving your baby unattended in his high chair.

He wasn't unattended though. OP was in the garden but her DH was only a few feet away from the baby in the kitchen. And yet it's OP who picked the baby up.

But was he attending to the baby or was he staring at his phone?

If its anyones fault it is the DH's (well of course it's the DS's but in terms of adults

He said he was right there and didn’t get up fast enough, why was that? He didn’t even leap from his chair in a futile attempt to save the baby like any normal parent would, he just sat there like he was watching a video of someone else’s life.
Don’t let him take them swimming is my advice.

I would bet lots of money your parents think he is a complete wanker and will be fully supportive of your plans to leave. Go and visit them with the kids and make plans for the future without him.