AIBU to be upset at DH saying this about our baby's accident

[Ahwell123]

Our 3 year old had a tantrum today. Sometimes he really loses his mind. I am taking him to our GP.

Today I told him he couldn't put his shoes in the paddling pool. He pushed me and I told him off. He ran into the kitchen and pushed the highchair over that had our baby in it. It was horrific. Baby cried a lot but seems absolutely fine. I have been watching him all afternoon

Anyway me and DH were chatting about DS and his tantrums. DS was very very sorry. Giving baby lots of kisses and crying himself and saying sorry sorry. Anyway DH just said to me

"I don't blame you for what happened but you did sound a bit emotional and angry when you told DS off and then he did what he did"

And I just burst into tears. I'm so exhausted trying to keep everyone happy. Telling DS off but remaining calm and all that. And any sentence that starts "I don't blame you but"...

I'm sitting here in tears and DH has stormed to bed calling me insane for getting so upset.

AIBU?

So leaving aside this particular incident, your OH knows you are unhappy but has manipulated you into putting up with it because it suits him

Agree. Your DH sounds very immature here.
Toddlers have tantrums, and three can often be harder than two…“threenagers” .
Tantrums can be exhausting to manage when they happen a lot, I found filming my tantrum prone dd helped me get perspective and helped my reactions personally (although you seem to be dealing with the tantrums very well, I would get frazzled, frustrated and cross) . My dc was so obviously tiny on film, and so obviously overwhelmed, that once I had watched it without the heat of being in it, I found the tantrums much easier to deal with. It gave me the distance I needed to stay calm and to help her cope. She is my easiest teenager, very good tempered now by the way !

"DH is always looking to find fault with my approach while doing nothing himself"

If I could ever say this about my husband that I'd wonder what the hell I was doing in that marriage tbh. He sounds horrible, particularly since he is now giving you the silent treatment.

I second that - go alone. Your approach to this situation won’t be something that you can decide on overnight, and I think having a professional to help guide your thoughts will be a very good thing for you right now.

I'll let you do all the work, watch and then criticise how you do it is no effing way to live... You don't need to do anything even make a decision - fast or in a panicked way but you SHOULD be thinking in terms of putting together an exit strategy. This isn't 'done' until you are perfectly confident that you could leave and divorce him if you wanted to. Only once you're absolutely clear in your own head that you COULD leave and you'd all be fine can you be confident in why you're staying. Like any human beings I'm sure he has his good points but what you've shared will look familiar to many of us as part of a pattern of abuse and undermining. Of course it's possible that's not what's going on we're only seeing a couple of puzzle pieces that's up to you to judge but you should be thinking about it...

IF (in a healthy relationship) you accidently phrase something badly and hurt your partners feelings you apologise say you didn't mean it like that and make them a cup of tea whilst having a cuddle on the settee.

You do NOT wait until your 'partner' is at a really low point, blame them, storm off in a huff whilst they're crying calling them insane. These are not the actions of someone who loves you and is on your side.

"This feels like the final straw. He makes my life harder, not better. When the chips are down, feel like he kicks me down harder."

Your DS(3) sounds like a pretty typical 3 year old but it isn't going to be easy for him to grow up into a decent guy with a bullying emotionally immature Dad. But on some level you already know this. The sooner you're out the better.

@Nahimjustaworm

We are not 'sulking with each other' though. I have woken up, got the kids up, been happy, cheerful, made them breakfast, asked DH about his day, and now I'm at work. DH is giving me one word answers, being grumpy with DS again this morning etc and generally has a face like thunder. I agree that this is not good for DC but I'm really trying my best to get the atmosphere at home all happy and upbeat. It feels like I'm trying to do that every single day and last night I felt absolutely done in with it all. But I've put my big girl pants on and i'm getting on with it.

Currently working on interview prep at work for a promotion and feel more determined than ever as need the £££ more than ever.

You know you don't have to give in to these transparent guilt trips, right? It wouldn't make you a terrible person, it would make you a strong and smart one, ultimately with a better life for yourself and your kids.

This is what I would do - work your arse off for that promotion, then once the interview is done, start looking into separating. Build up a secret pot of emergency money, make a plan. Use the anger you felt last night to motivate you to get you and your precious children out of this situation.
Your ds is trying to communicate something with his behaviour. If he is loving one minute and raging the next, he is only showing the traits of his 2 parents (you loving and nurturing, dad angry and sulky). Get him out so that he can forget the angry and grow up with just the love.

Sounds like he is blaming you (in a passive aggressive way) because he does not know how to control your ds himself.

if he shouts and swears at him, how on earth can he accuse you of being emotional when telling him off. you told him off because he did something you'd asked him not to do and then he pushed you.

And when told off, he had his tantrum.

I think you both need to think about whether this style of dealing with bad behaviour is working, and you both need to be consistant and a united front with any telling off or punishment, especially in front of DS.

What was the consequence your ds got for throwing his shoes in the pool, or for pushing over the highchair? Telling off doesn't seem to be working with him, so perhaps he needs to realise there will be a consequence to what he does, and follow through every single time.

For example, instead of saying don't throw the shoes in the pool. perhaps say if you throw those in the pool ds, then the pool goes away and you won't be allowed in it for the rest of the day. if he still puts them in, pack the pool away. First few times he'll still tantrum, but he'll soon get the message that you mean what you say and start to think twice.
And make it clear to him that if he pushes or hits anyone in anger there is an immediate consequence (removal of a favourite toy, no ice cream, something that he wouldn't want to miss out on). He is old enough to realise you mean business very quickly. It requires no shouting or swearing, just a calm removal of the thing he has been told he will lose if he does that sort of behaviour. And don't engage with the tantrums. If he is being destructive, put him somewhere safe and tell him he can come back and join everyone as soon as he is ready to calm down. If he is simply laying there screaming blue murder, ignore him completely and carry on as though you can't hear him. he is then given the message that he does not get anything at all from you for that behaviour.

OP,

This is not a good man.

This is a lazy, selfish, emotionally abusive man.

Now your tears are dry you need to find your practical self.

Start planning on ending your marriage.

You are a great woman and mother who is being bullied and undermined by this waster.

Your son is being bullied by him too.

Pushing the chair over is not normal behaviour and I kindly and respectfully suggest you firm up your discipline with him.

Throwing the shoes in was deliberate and him not accepting your extremely gentle chastisement is not good.

Talk to your child today several times about how wrong he was to hurt his brother.

Do not allow him to ignore you as you talk to him.

You need to repeat how wrong it was to hurt his brother.
You need to repeat it so it sinks in.

Please reach out to family and friends for support.

This nasty man makes your life harder.

Can you ask him to leave as you need time to think?

Either way, start planning.

He will only get worse.

No wonder you are exhausted living with a lazy person who undermines you.

Tbh we have no idea how you behaved when initially telling off your toddler. I won't do the immediate 'what an unsupportive DH' thing, because for all I know he did see something in your behaviour that made him uncomfortable and was trying to tell you. What is your relationship normally like and is he a decent man? Only you can really call this one tbh as only you knows if there is worth and merit in his comments.

I'm a bit concerned that you repeatedly state that you are smiley and happy. Are these the only emotions that you are allowed to have?

"This feels like the final straw. He makes my life harder, not better. When the chips are down, feel like he kicks me down harder."

Your h is a bully (happy to shout and swear at his 3yo dc), emotionally immature (cries when you mention counselling, shuts down all discussion), abusive (blaming you for yesterday when he was there and did nothing (DARVO?, sulking, the silent treatment).

It is EXHAUSTING being the parent who has to keep a happy face on all the time and pretend that everything is OK. It's NOT OK. You're taking on all the adult responsibility for this family and soon you will be walking on eggshells round your useless h. And your 3yo will notice how your h treats you.

I think you know what you have to do. Good luck to you.

Good luck with your interview. You can do it!

If it was just the comment, then I would say clearly it's unhelpful, but maybe just shock of whatever.

But sounds like your DH has issues, towards you and your children. Issues that are impacting your son (fwiw, from what you've said, I don't think your son's temper tantrums sound abnormal for his age, nor something that needs medical attention - pushing, shouting, hitting etc are all faily normal at this age, especially when modelled to him by his dad).

From the drip feeding OP it sounds like you're both very miserable in this relationship. I think this needs addressing first before your 3YO's behaviour which is not actually that shocking for their age. You will never be the best parents you can be until you've fixed this be that through separating or having couple's therapy.

Good luck with your interview. It's always amazing for someone man or woman to be empowering themselves to be more successful and more independent regardless of their relationship status. Just going for it will only make you stronger and more confident xx

You need a break OP. Can you leave your DH with the DC for the weekend and find somewhere to go off for a bit of peace (and reflection) for a night or two? Let him deal with it all and see what you have to put up with.

The very best of luck in that interview.

Start detaching from this awful man.

Stop being smiley.

Focus on you and your children.

By being pleasant you are telling him his behaviour is ok.

Stop it.

Avoid him in the house.
Do nothing for him.

Focus your energy on you and your children and start putting money away so you can get away.

Save your energy for yourself.

Good luck with your interview, I hope you get it!
Him crying to avoid dealing with the situation is emotional blackmail, stay firm say that no you’re not happy and leave if he won’t make moves to change.

Your DH is having a tantrum, no wonder he can't cope with his sons tantrums.

Unfortunately unless he confronts his inability to handle his own emotions maturely he is unlikely to be much help with your sons emotional maturity

how manipulative-he cried when you mentioned counselling? hes not a good man hes right youre wrong thats it isnt it

He shouts and swears at your 3 year old?

Is this regular?

No wonder your ds is being difficult.

Good luck with your interview and eventually leaving this man.

@GabriellaMontez - No. He doesn't shout and swear very regularly. But it's been getting worse. We had a big conversation about it a couple of days ago - and I said we needed to be calmer and less emotional in our responses. He didn't like me bringing it up and was v defensive and we had a big fight.

Then yesterday he says I was emotional in my telling off of DS and was doing a 'gotcha - you were emotional and it led to baby being hurt'.

But a) I actually don't think I was v emotional in my telling off of DS and b) it seems like a really horrible mean response to something that was so upsetting to everyone involved.

I grew up with a dad a bit like this, he would do things wrong like 90% of the time (big things) and the moment any of us did a tiny thing wrong he would jump down our throats because our tiny thing would justify all of the massive things he did wrong.

Like getting a tiny scratch on the car from coming up against a supermarket trolley would justify him overtaking on a bend and crashing into someone

Its horrible to live with because you feel like you need to be completely perfect which is impossible or else he will do things wildly wrong and you wont be able to say anything