Would you be a SAHM in my position?

[ShouldibeSAHM]

I am married and pregnant, living in the US.

We rent here and both work but have a home in the UK that he bought before we met, I’m not on the deeds and only contributed to bills when I lived there. I have decent savings but not a great pension (can’t contribute to UK pension much while I’m here anyway).

The Mat leave at my company is 12 weeks, majority unpaid. I really don’t think I will want to go back to work after 12 weeks (or less, unless I work right up until giving birth). I know it’s common place here and some people’s preference but I don’t want my child in nursery or with a nanny so young.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM but I worry about how it will look on my CV and my personal financial security and how hard it will be to get back into work. He has a lot of investments, savings etc from before we met. He always calls it our money, we have a joint account and I buy whatever I want within reason even though he earns a lot more.

What would you do in my position?

I should add, we have been here a few years and plan to return to the UK (where we are both from) when the child starts school

Can your oh not take any parental leave once your 12 weeks are up?

Being a sahm would never be my choice.

Can you both look into reducing hours and splitting childcare?

@Topgub I think he could take two weeks.

I could ask to reduce hours (unlikely as my colleagues request was rejected last year) but he will not be able to.

Does this have to be decided now? You really have no idea how you’ll feel at 12 weeks. Keep your options wide open for as long as you possibly can.

Has he tried?

I would personally become a SAHM, even if just for a year so you can have the equivalent of a maternity leave with your baby.

@Topgub tried to reduce his hours? No but it will be a no.

he was moved out to the US to lead a team so they won’t let him go part time. Our visas and housing allowance is dependent on his job.

@Trivester thank you, that is good advice. Is it possible to say you intend to come back and then don’t? Do people do that?

And if it was just a year gap on your CV you can explain it as being on maternity leave as a year is standard in the UK.

It's your personal choice. I didn't feel fully like myself for a good 8 months.

I would be a SAHM rather than go back at 12 weeks. Your position as a married woman is relatively good. However, I would also make sure you're aware of all the downsides (pension is a good example) and do what you do to mitigate- eg can you save some money in the US to put into a pension at a later stage? Also think through a plan for returning to work (assuming this is what you want to do) and how you can keep up to date with changes in your industry. There is a big difference between taking a year out and making sure you stay up to date during that year, and the SAHM trap of taking a decade out purely focused on children and then finding you're stuck at the other end of it.

I won’t take a decade - this has taken quite a while so could very possibly be our only child. We’d return to the UK before the child needs to attend school for obvious reasons.

@ShouldibeSAHM

Some places willake you pay back mat leave if you don't return so you'd need to look into that.

Kind of sounds like you've already decided.

Is it an option to take a year unpaid leave so you have a job to go back to? I’d be reluctant to become Sahm but maybe would not make a decision until baby is 3 m and then have a think. Maybe there is a compromise eg work part time 2 a week from home and have your partner swap days so he looks after the baby and you can still be near or do you have other childcare option who could come to your house?

@Topgub I am finding it hard to decide. I always assumed if it happened I’d leave work but now it’s happening it’s a big decision.

I barley get any Mat pay anyway, it might even be nothing - they just keep your role open for 12 weeks. Need to check subtly with HR.

I took 15 months off after DD, as I wanted her to go straight to the ‘young toddler’ room at daycare and avoid the baby room. I had multiple offers and no one seemed bothered by the employment gap. If you do an in demand job and/or it’s a hot market in your city I suspect you’ll be fine.

This was in the US by the way, just in case that’s not clear!

@Sova i do work hybrid and from home sometimes but not sure they’d be thrilled if I was looking after the child during that time.

The US is so far behind with parental leave, it’s shocking.

@GoAround thank you!

only if your husband is a generous man who wouldn’t question any self care, treats or little luxuries you would have spent your disposable income on

lots of SAHMs pretend that all money is shared but the husband is buying himself drones whilst the baby sick covered wife won’t get her hair cut as it’s ‘not essential’

i am happily a SAHM in this position (studying part time) and enjoying these early years with my daughter because my husband values my contribution to the household and wants me to be happy

i would never sacrifice my earning potential for a miserly man. How loveless

I'm in the UK and my mat leave was 52 weeks, I was due to go back a few days ago but I've decided to leave my job and go back to work in the new year.

I wanted a bit more time at home with my baby because I will never get the chance to have this much time off with him again. I think most employers will be OK with a CV gap for raising a baby, it's not like you took the time off to sit at home doing nothing

@ShouldibeSAHM

Its so behind on lots of women's rights

Why bother with mat leave when you don't think mothers of young children should be working?

And you certainly don't need to bother with pat leave. Why would men need time off to look after their kids?!

In saying that I thinkat leave in the UK is too long.

Well, you obviously can't put a 12 week old baby in a full-time nursery OP and nor should any woman be expected to. Ridiculous! This is MN where you will be told all kinds of hyperbolic doom about being a SAHM (by people who have no experience if it whatsoever) but please take it with a (large) pinch of salt. Get your DH to put you in the deeds of your home in the U.K., and also put some investments in your name or joint - and go for it. Enjoy your baby! Some things are priceless.

I am in nearly the exact situation and told my employer I wouldn't go back. They didn't ask me to repay the money.

A baby is a once (or twice) in a lifetime experience for me and I would have been gutted to miss out on this time for just another year at the same job.

i think it depends on your job.
i had a baby abroad (was just temping as when when we moved abroad I was already pregnant). I had no mat leave allowance but there would have been no way I could have gone back to work - esp as DH was in a “big job” so hard to split drop offs and picks up fairly and with no family support.
We moved back to UK when DC was 3 and I walked back into a job in my old career - part time and I was pregnant again.

itnwas a bit nerve wracking but in hindsight I’m glad I did it.