Would you be a SAHM in my position?

[ShouldibeSAHM]

I am married and pregnant, living in the US.

We rent here and both work but have a home in the UK that he bought before we met, I’m not on the deeds and only contributed to bills when I lived there. I have decent savings but not a great pension (can’t contribute to UK pension much while I’m here anyway).

The Mat leave at my company is 12 weeks, majority unpaid. I really don’t think I will want to go back to work after 12 weeks (or less, unless I work right up until giving birth). I know it’s common place here and some people’s preference but I don’t want my child in nursery or with a nanny so young.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM but I worry about how it will look on my CV and my personal financial security and how hard it will be to get back into work. He has a lot of investments, savings etc from before we met. He always calls it our money, we have a joint account and I buy whatever I want within reason even though he earns a lot more.

What would you do in my position?

@SW1amp

There's a difference between inability and cb

What am I supposed to be resentful of?

I've never suggested 12 weeks should be what is aimed for.

I think shared leave should be the ideal. Up to a year.

I've also worked with women for 20 years. I've seen women take all kinds of lengths of mat leaves for a variety of different reasons. There's been no correlation on their rtw

Do you always make nonsense assumptions when you're annoyed for no reason?

I would definitely be a sahm in your position, it's not for everyone and I don't think I would want to do it forever but there's no way I'd want to return to work after 12 weeks. When I first had our baby I thought I would want to be back at work as quickly as possible, I found it a bit boring and took a few weeks to properly fall in love with him but then it just clicked, i fell madly in love, started to appreciate maternity leave for what it is and they couldn't have dragged me back, 14 months later and I'm still off, have to go back beginning of September for financial reasons but if i could stay off longer i would. maternity leave in the US is barbaric.

And also, I know there will be people who hate this being said but it felt very relevant to me, there will always be opportunities to make more money and to go back to your career but your baby will only be that young and full of "firsts" once, when it's over it's over, never to be repeated.

@Veebees26

Did you give your oh that advice?

@Topgub what was there to be sarcastic about?!

I was raised primarily by my dad- mum died when I was young, my husband does more of the daily childcare in the week as self employed- and I still think women make better carers to young children than men generally speaking.

i always say that my husband and I love our children the same- but a mothers bond is different.
people trying to argue it because it fits the equality narrative are kidding themselves.

I personally think the rights in the U.K. are pretty much correct, the right to a full year off and 9 months smp (although that amount could be higher).

@PatientlyWaiting21

All the people saying how cruel and awful it would be for a mum to go back to work at 12 weeks and completely ignoring the fact most dad's get 2.

Personally I think you're damned either way.

If you take too long out your career will suffer (speaking from experience) and your DH will become used to you doing all the wife work, so he doesn't have to. Even in this day and age I'm astonished at the attitudes of around 75% of the dads at our school and more so why their wives tolerate it! Child off sick, that's the wife's problem, pick up and drop off, again, Dad may do it once or twice and week just to show what a wonderful husband he is 😒

Also, sorry to say this but over 50% of marriages do end in divorce and often its at the toddler stage too. Never, ever make yourself financially dependent on another human being.

I took just 6 months leave and DH did the rest, 3 months. I wanted to be sure he would share parental responsibility from day 1 and he did. We split the night feeds, nappy changes and weekend lie ins, despite me being on mat leave because being at work is actually waaay easier.

Going back to work and putting DD in nursery full time was no way the easy option, it was exhausting and financially crippling but meant that we could both carry on with both our careers, both retain an equal share of independence and now 5 years on, we have a very confident kind child who has adapted to everything we've thrown her at.

Being a SAHM is by far the easier option, in theory. But give me a day in the office versus a day with a 1 year old and the office is 100 times easier.

It's your call. But make.your decision based on the long term, not what's happening right now.

There's a big difference between years and 12 weeks though.

It's difficult on women who are breastfeeding to go back at 12vweeks. Doable, but difficult. Babies don't start weaning until 2-3 months later.
And bf/ biology is one big reason why women are more often at home with babies at the start. Though of course, you know this already.

OP, just so you know, @Topgub looks down her nose at SAHMs. She has said on other threads that she sees no value in their role. She believes they are letting down other women.

I’m really not annoyed

slightly baffled at your increasingly bizarre posts, but definitely not annoyed!

anyway, I’m off to enjoy air con and a rocket lolly
🍭🍭

Well it depends which part you're referring to, we discussed the option of shared parental leave but when it came down to it I wanted to be at home with our son, no shame in it.

I have a great career and the luxury of knowing it wouldn't suffer for my being away for an extended period so I went for it. I didn't want to regret going back so decided to take as long as possible.

I'm a staunch feminist as it happens, in life and especially in parenting but whichever side of the argument you're on you simply cannot argue against the fact that in the vast majority of cases the birth parent has a different type of bond with their child (maybe this changes as they become older but certainly the case for young babies) so they are more likely to be the one staying off work the baby for longer.

OP asked for opinions, I gave her mine, no reason to come at me like I'm a 50s housewife.

John Oliver did an "exposé" on maternity leave and how brutal it was on new mum's many having to work sitting on rings and pump

@Marynotsocontrary

Most women have stopped bf by 6 weeks.

I havent suggested 12 weeks as the ideal and a pp definitely said women should be with their children for the early years, which is what I responded to.

Not seeing value in the role is not looking down on sahms. And I've never said they are letting other women down

@SW1amp

See, told you you weren't actually interested

@Veebees26

The advice that you can go back to making money at any point/can't replace the time with your children

You need to ensure you are as protected as you can be. But yes in your situation i would be the SAHP.

Yes men should be allowed to share/take the same amount leave as a woman does, but they cant and womens rights should not be reduced until that catches up.

A woman is more productive when she is fullfilling what she wants, she is a better mum if shes a SAHM because she wants to be and she would be a better employee being back at work, if thats what she wants to do.
She should not be belittled into deciding either.

Both are valid choices, and all the other nonsense on here is frankly ridiculous.

Do what is best for you and your family providing its an informed choice.

Yes in your situation i would opt for a year out and see how you feel after then, it really isnt that long in career terms but is a great amount of time to be with your baby (if you want to of course)

It's not worse by very much according to OECD stats - USA is one of the worst, at around 17%, but Finland is also 17%, and many European countries are between 12% to 16%. So not a huge difference.

The article I posted also highlights research showing it wasn't down to the length of time, as Denmark allows a year off paid leave, but they have the same gender pay gap as the USA. So it isn't the length of time, it's actually having children that is a cause of the gender pay gap.

"Not seeing value in the role is not looking down on sahms"

So what would you call it then?

If you see no value in SAHMs, presumably you see no value in yourself (or your DH) when either you spend time with your kids?

Might as well just have any old person "doing childcare" 24/7 eh? No value in actual parents spending time with their kids.

I've addressed your question above, and I'm sure you'll agree that the beauty of equality and feminism is that as women we are free to make our own choices based on what we want (or don't want) to do.

I didn't stay off for an extended period with our child because society told me I should or because my partner didn't want to, I did it because I wanted to. If I hadn't wanted to then we would've done SPL.

@Veebees26

You actually haven't answered the question though

You're advising women on this thread that they can make money later and shouldn't risk missing out on their children.

You haven't answered if you advised your oh the same

Just that he didn't get the option because you wanted it.

@shesoff

The role.

Sahms aren't doing any parenting I'm not.

My kids aren't missing out on anything because they didn't have a sahm.

Arr you a man who wants to be a SAHD TopGub?

@Veebees26

And no, I absolutely don't agree that the beauty of feminsm is women being able to choose inequality

@shesoff

No

Lol.

What an odd question

Sahms aren't doing any parenting I'm not."

Yes that's why people pay nannies £50k per year or whatever they pay childminders. To do nothing. Because nothing happens while mums are at work. Babies and children go into suspended animation in this 'no value' time.

Sahms aren't doing any parenting I'm not.

They are giving/spending more of their time with their child.