Would you be a SAHM in my position?

[ShouldibeSAHM]

I am married and pregnant, living in the US.

We rent here and both work but have a home in the UK that he bought before we met, I’m not on the deeds and only contributed to bills when I lived there. I have decent savings but not a great pension (can’t contribute to UK pension much while I’m here anyway).

The Mat leave at my company is 12 weeks, majority unpaid. I really don’t think I will want to go back to work after 12 weeks (or less, unless I work right up until giving birth). I know it’s common place here and some people’s preference but I don’t want my child in nursery or with a nanny so young.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM but I worry about how it will look on my CV and my personal financial security and how hard it will be to get back into work. He has a lot of investments, savings etc from before we met. He always calls it our money, we have a joint account and I buy whatever I want within reason even though he earns a lot more.

What would you do in my position?

Yes I’d be a sahm- 12 wks is cruel imo unless there’s no other choice for the family

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

At what point does it stop being cruel for mums to go to work?

We've established its never cruel for dad's

Personally I wouldn't be a SAHM if I could avoid it, for a lot of reasons. Probably the first is the vulnerable position I would be in, particularly the hit my career would take. And that's true across the board for most women, it's quite rare to be in a position where you go back and progress as far and as quickly as you would have done before having children.

Not to mention the issues that can arise should the relationship fail and you're almost entirely financially dependant upon them, which is actually something that happens to a lot of people after the birth of their child, it's stressful enough on its own.

Have you checked local laws to see if there would be any issues that would arise from that, by the way? You'd be shocked at how different the laws are over there in comparison to here, and they vary state by state. You won't really know how vulnerable you'll realistically be until you research it.

Not to be a killjoy, but these are things you need to consider as well if you decide to leave work and rely upon your marital partner for support. With around 40% of marriages ending after children you should do your best to protect yourself just in case.

If you can afford to be a SAHM then do it. OK, you will need to be on the ball with taking steps to get back to your career, should you so wish, and you may finish up with a bit less pension. But you will have had the joy of being with your little ones during their period of greatest change and development; you will have had the opportunity to be the dominant influence on their lives and be sure that they are absorbing your values.

Getting back to my career was not a problem after 5 years as a SAHM - I drew on the skills that you learn as a parent - skills that are transferable to most work situations - I made these explicit and was proud of them, rather than being apologetic for not being on the ladder for those years. It worked for me.

Money was tight for a while, but I have never regretted our decision.

I didn’t say it’s cruel for mums to ever go to work but 3 months is very quick.
And yes mums are different to dads, firstly because they actually go through pregnancy and labour and post partum, and secondly because women tend to be the primary care giver, in particular if breastfeeding. Now if the mother has to go back at 3 months or her family can’t survive financially then in order to survive she has to work. But to have to go back so quick for the good of your employer, when you don’t need to, I wouldn’t!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

No, I no you didn't.

That's why I asked when it stops being cruel?

There is no way I would go back at 12 weeks pp unless I had no choice. I would remain as a SAHM until my little one was approx. 15 - 18 months as they seem more independent by that point.

I am a SAHM in the UK with a 20 month old. I definitely felt anxious about the decision but I'm setting up my own business during the evenings and weekends so I'll put that on my CV when I return to work, which I hope will help. Could you look to do some sort of minimal part time freelance work if you're worried? I don't think it would affect your employment opps in the UK if you took a year/1.5 years off though.

I’m usually on side of go back but 12 weeks or less is very hard. If you are intending to leave country in 3 or 4 years anyway you aren’t looking at long term career there and your gap is explained by being overseas.
Depending on your job can you do some volunteering, keep up with professional training etc.
You are married so if you did split matrimonial assets would be divided so eg you could register matrimonial home rights if he tried to sell uk house.

Why?
too long for them? For the company? For their babies?

if you’re going to make a batshit statement like that, at least give us some of your genius insights to back it up…

I know where you're trying to go with this. Yes, he put her needs first by providing financially for our family so I could be at home with her. Like I said, babies need their mums.

I would indeed argue it's "cruel", not only on the baby but also on the mum to have them in a day centre at 12 weeks. Unbelievable really in 2022 that this is considered ok.

@SaltyCrisp

Why is it ok for dad's to financially provide but not mums?

@SW1amp

You seem quite annoyed by my opinion.

Loads of reasons, mostly to do with sexism and inequality and the beliefs around women being better suited to be pcg.

@Topgub what is your child care set up?

I think it’s fairly obvious - recovering from birth / breastfeeding - why Mother’s are initially the primary care givers. And like or not - men often earn more and it makes sense for the person who earns more to work full time.

You seem entirely unable to articulate your beliefs tbf…

Oh those poor men having to face all that sexism and inequality in the workplace!

@ShouldibeSAHM

My children are older.

I took 6 months mat leave with both.

But we shared childcare equally from birth up until school age.

Then it was a combo of school, us and my parents providing some after school care.

I was never the pcg despite bf both for 6 months

And I dont like it.

There is no gender pay gap pre kids.

Men don't just 'naturally' earn more. They're not smarter or more capable or better at earning money

They earn more because of attitudes like its cruel for women to work because babies need their mums

I would indeed argue it's "cruel", not only on the baby but also on the mum to have them in a day centre at 12 weeks. Unbelievable really in 2022 that this is considered ok.

Well, I think you're wrong as the tens of thousands of happy, healthy, well adjusted adults who were in childcare from 12 weeks (and their mums) can testify!

I guess if you've only been an older in the era of longer Maternity leave, it's difficult to get your head round.

BTW, I'm not arguing for a return to just 12 weeks - it's physically quite demanding especially if you bf as I did. But it's perfectly possible. And in fact I've felt sorry for some of my young colleagues who return from ML when their children are around a year old and they're having to deal with tears and distress in the first few weeks of settling them into childcare. There's absolutely none of that at 12 weeks. Although it was physically tough, it was actually pretty straightforward emotionally when I started leaving mine

@SW1amp

I cba really

I dont think you're actually interested. You just want to be all offended at the idea that someone doesn't think all women should be desperate to be sahms or take year long mat leaves

@Topgub i think 6 months feels very different to 12 weeks.

sorry but there is a gender pay gap pre kids. The issue is retaining women after kids due to inflexible working patterns (like I am likely facing). But the pay gap exists before then.

@ShouldibeSAHM

Yes, it does feel different. It feels/felt about right. Although I was ready to go back at around 4 months

I thought most recent stats showed no difference between men and women earning pre kids?

When taking long mat leaves/quiting won't help change flexible working patterns and neither will men doing fuck all.

I wouldn’t want to be a SAHM but I’d also never go back after 3 months, I wasn’t even ready at 6 months but feeling okay about it at 9 months. US maternity is fucking ridiculous, not that the U.K. is much better. If I was in your position, I wouldn’t be going back at 12 weeks

Someone I used to know returned to work 2 weeks after giving birth. She ran her own business and didn’t really have a choice. Both her DC were in nursery from 6 weeks.

The former French Justice Minister Rachida Dati returned to work after 5 days.

Speak for yourself. I’m in the U.K. and think it’s a bloody disgrace they only get 2 weeks. Breaks my heart!

@PatientlyWaiting21

I think youmissed the sarcasm