Would you be a SAHM in my position?

[ShouldibeSAHM]

I am married and pregnant, living in the US.

We rent here and both work but have a home in the UK that he bought before we met, I’m not on the deeds and only contributed to bills when I lived there. I have decent savings but not a great pension (can’t contribute to UK pension much while I’m here anyway).

The Mat leave at my company is 12 weeks, majority unpaid. I really don’t think I will want to go back to work after 12 weeks (or less, unless I work right up until giving birth). I know it’s common place here and some people’s preference but I don’t want my child in nursery or with a nanny so young.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM but I worry about how it will look on my CV and my personal financial security and how hard it will be to get back into work. He has a lot of investments, savings etc from before we met. He always calls it our money, we have a joint account and I buy whatever I want within reason even though he earns a lot more.

What would you do in my position?

What citizenship will your child have if born in the US, can they have dual citizenship?

I’d be a SAHM with the aim of going back into employment once the baby turned 1, like a standard UK mat leave length really. I wouldn’t want my baby in childcare at such a young age either.

Ive gone back after a year with all 3 of my DC. I wouldn’t have been ready to leave them before then. If you can afford it then be a SAHM for a little while.

Topgub, of course men and women feel and react differently following childbirth. It's ridiculous and damaging to women to pretend there are not fundamental differences. And never mind what's good for women - more to the point, what about what's good for babies?

The way I felt after my DC was that I could no more have put them in childcare at 12 weeks then get my arm chopped off. My DH said he was overwhelmed with an instinct to financially provide for us. He describes it as feeling like there was a rocket put under him. Yes some of this will be social conditioning, but that's just part of it. Mostly, it's instinct that stems back to survival of the species. If you didn't feel like that, then that's your reality. But most people do feel it.

@Adversity yes dual US and UK. We are both British.

As long as the baby isn't in day care, it's fine for the mum to work and the dad to be SAHP but it's better for the baby to be with their mum.

God knows I'm no earth mother but you put your baby's needs first in those vital early years.

@shesoff

I think its damaging to everyone to continue as we are

Its interesting so many women are really threatened by their own kids dads having an equal share of caring for them

@SaltyCrisp that's your opinion.
Which is fine.
It doesn't make it a fact

@SaltyCrisp

Early years?

So in your opinion women shouldn't work for years after having children?

That's not correct:

www.vox.com/2018/2/19/17018380/gender-wage-gap-childcare-penalty

"Kleven finds a sharp decline in women’s earnings after the birth of their first child — with no comparable salary drop for men. The cumulative effect is huge: Women end up earning 20 percent less than their male counterparts over the course of their career."

@shesoff

I also do acknowledge the difference between men and women, biologically and socially

But I dont think they should result in women being removed from the work place for years

What support do you have locally? With a DH who is the major earner and who needs to keep his job for your visas, if you go back to work will you really split the night shifts equally? Will you really split taking time off when the baby is sick equally? Does he have to go on business trips which will leave to you with a very young and probably not sleeping baby by yourself. Depending on the answers to those questions, it may be difficult for you to go back. I work, but my expat mother had to stop - the absence of any emergency family support makes 2 working parents much harder in an expat set up.

I took a year off with each of mine, and would have hated to go back after 3 months. With colicy, not sleeping babies the first 3 months aren't that much fun - for me personally they get much more enjoyable as they get older and I've hated to miss that bit.

"I also do acknowledge the difference between men and women, biologically and socially

But I dont think they should result in women being removed from the work place for years"

Well its up to them and depends on their circumstances, how they feel and what they can afford. Also, how many children they have. Not all jobs are of the corporate nature where once you step off the ladder, it's hard to get back in. People's circumstances and perspectives will vary massively.

I suppose another way to look at it op is what value could you place on those early year's with baby? What would you pay for them? What are they worth?

Fwiw I was a sahm and ideally looking back if I could have worked and had a break for maybe two days a week that would have been ideal from when they were two for instance.
However,even as a sahm I think back now and wonder did I cuddle them enough,take care of them enough?

Dd at 15 is already removed from me.

They are ours for so little time (as it should be) I already worry that I didn't drink it all in enough!

For me, I couldn't really place a value on these early year's.

@shesoff

But thats what's being suggested as the ideal.

Putting the child first, cruel, needs their mum etc

@RockandRollsuicide I couldn't disagree more with trying to place a monetary value on any years with our children. Our children are priceless - to SAHP and WOHP.

Being a good parent is about raising children with love, good values, providing for them physically, emotionally and spiritually. If you feel you can only do that by giving up work, then that's fine. But millions of parents across the globe work. It's a perfectly normal thing to do. And many of those children of working parents are now adults, many with children themselves.

Yy she

One also has to factor in what's actually best for the child.

At preschool we had one lot of very warm , actual grannies looking after DC 1. Very astute, brilliant etc.

Dd 2 I was impressed by a much much younger girl because she was studying a degree in early year's!
Looking back she was absolutely beyond useless. She didn't proactively do anything to help dd,I ignored advice I had given to professionals, and it was too late when I realised how utterly crap she had been.

I'd always be very very sure when you put any vulnerable non verbal person into other people's care.

I ve obviously had my own DC, I ve had elderly people to look after, and others. I have learned that absolutely no one will ever care for your flesh and blood ( whom you love) like you will.

Babies need so so much when they are tiny!!
Getting fed looking lovingly into mum's eyes, or a distracted busy young poorly paid nursery workers face?

I'm in your situation and have decided to stay at home. My son is now almost 2 and I don't regret it but it has been HARD. It's important that you have support too! Especially as you're away from home. Build your network!

’Rocket put under him’?
If that was true then we wouldn’t have so many struggling single mums with deadbeat dads.
Also sounds more like an excuse to focus 100% on work and do 0 at home… thanks to building a career and a ‘big job’.

My answer OP would depend on whether you’re definitely moving back to the U.K.

The U.S varies so much based on state and profession I can’t have any opinion on whether being a SAHM would impact your career.

Being a sahm wouldn't bey choice, mostly because I find my children very hard work.

That being said, no, I wouldn't want to leave my baby and return to work 12 weeks after giving birth.

If you don't need the money, I would not return to that job after the baby was born. I would wait until he/she was around a year old and then find something part time for a few years until you were back in the UK.

I don't think that would look bad on a CV at all.

I am so glad I decided to be a SAHP, it was the best thing for us. I wouldn't have given that up for any career or all the money in the world. But it is a personal choice and you must make sure you are protected as much as possible, if you want to do it.

MN is renowned for some very strong opinions on SAHP, so OP just keep to listening to the factual advice, about investments, paying into a pension and protecting yourself. Other than that the rest of the arguments are irrelevant as it's such a personal decision.

Good luck in whatever you decide, you do sound in a strong position.

Also on a personal note rather than financial, do talk to your DH (I'm sure you already have) but about what your days will look like as a SAHP, splitting out of tasks, time for yourselves, time together, who gets up and when etc
The day to day stuff may seem trivial, but, if not discuss before, in the midst of new baby,can get on top of you both with lack of sleep, new routines and new priorities and cause friction.

I'm sure you will be fine and good luck with the pregnancy.

Yes but time is priceless and it's something you can never ever get back.

Young children need to bond with a parent.

In the UK it's recommended you don't separate a kitten from its mum untill 13 weeks!!

A kitten!

Money can always be made and unfortunately time with small DC which is hugely enriching for them can never ever be replaced.

@missdemeanors

Exactly!

Well said

@RockandRollsuicide

Guess your oh wasn't so fussed about enriching or spending time with his kids, huh?

Your theory falls down at the first hurdle, because the pay gap post-children is worse in the US than Europe, so taking 12 weeks mat leave clearly doesn’t solve it

Ive spent more than a decade in senior leadership so have seen more than my fair share of colleagues, bosses, subordinates and friends take mat leaves of varying lengths, through choice, through duty and through having no option

And the only thing I can really see as a clear trend is that women were happier employees and people when they took a mat leave length that they wanted, not that was imposed on them

Those forced back earlier than they wished, for whatever reason, never quite hit their stride at work

I’ve seen very senior women take a full year, and come back energised and stronger than ever
Ive seen women come back after 6 months and their heart was clearly not in it

blanket statements about a year being ‘too long’ just show you quite clearly don’t have much/any managerial experience, and your total inability to actually articulate your concerns smack of resentment rather than well-meaning intent

"In the UK it's recommended you don't separate a kitten from its mum untill 13 weeks!!
A kitten!"

This is very true. And human babies are far more helpless than kittens at that age.