Would you be a SAHM in my position?

[ShouldibeSAHM]

I am married and pregnant, living in the US.

We rent here and both work but have a home in the UK that he bought before we met, I’m not on the deeds and only contributed to bills when I lived there. I have decent savings but not a great pension (can’t contribute to UK pension much while I’m here anyway).

The Mat leave at my company is 12 weeks, majority unpaid. I really don’t think I will want to go back to work after 12 weeks (or less, unless I work right up until giving birth). I know it’s common place here and some people’s preference but I don’t want my child in nursery or with a nanny so young.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM but I worry about how it will look on my CV and my personal financial security and how hard it will be to get back into work. He has a lot of investments, savings etc from before we met. He always calls it our money, we have a joint account and I buy whatever I want within reason even though he earns a lot more.

What would you do in my position?

@Yodaisawally yes we are married. I have never paid a penny (deposit or mortgage) towards the house he bought before we met, I’m not on the deeds.

How would I be fucked if it went ‘tits up’?

Returning to the UK with the child would be the same issue whether I was working or not?

in what ‘circs’ do you think being a SAHM is acceptable if not being married with a high earning husband?

There’s no way on earth I would be returning to work and leaving my 12 week old baby behind.

'Circs' bit snippy for no reason,

Personally I would never put myself in the situation of being financially dependent on a spouse. If he's high earning he could presumably afford the best divorce lawyers and screw your over in court. Mil and fil spunked a ridiculous amount of money on a divorce when he was in the US as they had to go to the high court. Not saying by any means it will happen but it can and does, and more often in expat relationships than you might like to believe.

You can have your chip back.

@ShouldibeSAHM

I'm a bit confused as to why you posted ?

Youve obviously already decided

There must be millions of US mums who go back to work when their babies are 12 weeks old - some only get 6 weeks leave even. I think it’s quite standard to go back at 16 weeks in France too if you have a profession-type job. 12 months like many take in the UK isn’t standard at all. It’s clearly doable if you want to…..

ah lovely @Topgub

SAHM sneering is 98% of what you do on this site

I find it very odd that you are the spokesperson for feminism and equality on this thread, and want to debate ‘gender politics’ with all of the gusto of an enthusiastic sixth former- but see no value in the unpaid labour competed by women worldwide and no ‘gender issue’ with childcare and other domestic tasks outsourced to other women

looking forward to getting my nails done and going for coffee tomorrow- my full time WOH husband is very happy to equally parent too. :)

fuckity bye!!!

THIS. It’s a job so get on the deeds. Enjoy your baby. You’ll never regret that. Jobs will come. You sound intelligent, so I think you’ll be ok.

@Suprima

I find it odd that so many sahms are completely outraged by my views.

And feel the need to constantly attack me and tell me what I think. (Wp do unpaid labour too you know)

Why would you even care?

Enjoy your coffee and nails

I don't know how you being in the US could potentially complicate things if your marriage doesn't work out. However, that aside, I think you should take the time off to be a sahm if that's what you want to do.

Many of my friends had to go back to work after 16 weeks but would have loved to sah for longer if it was possible. It sounds like your finances allow for it so do it if you want to. Of course I also knew some who hated staying at home and wanted to go back to work after 3 months. You may change your mind about staying home, who knows? But those tiny baby days are such a precious time, you really should just do whatever your maternal instincts tell you to!

A short gap of 1 to 2 years on your CV wouldn't impact you negatively. You wouldn't want to work for an employer who thinks otherwise anyway.

It's obvious there's a few posters here who are mighty pissed that lots of working mums raise happy, well adjusted, successful children - and have a good career too

Now, now - you're just being provocative suggesting perople are pissed off for that reason, aren't you, @missdemeanors ?
But, of course, first prize for provocation has to go to @Topgub who says

I find it odd that so many sahms are completely outraged by my views

having spent this thread and others telling them their role is a pointless, invalid one; that they don't have a proper work ethic and are useless to society; and that by not returning to work (within a time she deems suitable) they are contributing to women's inequality in society as well as making things much harder for their woh sisters by giving men an unfair advantage. A disgrace to feminism no less.

Yes, it's a real mystery why people are getting annoyed.
Anyway.
I may have missed it, but have you actually advised the OP what to do in her particular situation @Topgub? You say you think 12 months leave, shared between parents, is about right, and that does sound good to me. But OP has 12 weeks in total and her DH 2 weeks - she doesn't think it's possible to get any more. So do you abandon your ideal scenario or not? Do you advise her to yield to what her employer and corporate America dictates even though it's fairly clear that's not what she wants, at least for a while? Maternity and paternity leave are notoriously poor in the US and she is in the very fortunate position of having a choice. So what should she do?

It is a horrible thought. But for nearly half of people who are married it's probably one they need to consider, unfortunately!

And in your particular circumstances it's something you probably need to think about now a little more than you would like to, purely because your choice now means the effects on you if it were to happen would be greater. The more precarious a position you choose to put yourself in the more you need to consider the consequences if it fails, that's true about everything, really! If I don't climb a mountain I don't really need to consider what would happen if I fell off it, basically.

In your position I would be a SAHM mum for the early years, if your relationship is solid and you trust your partner (yes things can change but this is a good starting point).

I had my first baby 10 months ago and am on mat leave til mid October. I've always been quite career focused so although I took a year off I was thinking I'll probably cut my leave short at 4 - 6 months....HA.

Firstly I ended up with a c section which then got infected. Secondly my baby really struggled to breastfeed and that took so much time and energy to figure out (ended up formula feeding). I underestimated how difficult those early months are, although we had a baby with reflux and a dairy intolerance so this made things trickier. Mostly however, I just didn't want to leave him. I still don't but unfortunately I'm the main earner so I have to, but I am going part time.

I think the general stance from research I've read is that daycare/nursery is beneficial to children from about 3 years old. The younger they are, the less so and there is evidence it is detrimental to very young children. Not wishing to judge here, it's just my understanding from reading on the topic myself.

I say go for it, for the first 2 or 3 years and then reevaluate.

Hope all goes well!

@Marynotsocontrary

I havent spent the thread doing any of those things.

you very oddly and completely unprovoked joined the thread with the sole intention of attacking me. Your only comments on this thread have been having a go at me, for no actual reason.

Twisting things I've said previously and embellishing them make them sound worse.

Thats not really normal behaviour.

If you'd actually read what I'd said you'd know the answer to your question.

But instead you're too busy trying to stir shit up

Take a look at your own behaviour before you start criticising mine.

And to go back to what @missdemeanors said, I think that might be the crux of the outrage.

From what I can gather sahm on mumsnet have never encountered the possibility that any could view their choice negatively. They view it as the absolute ideal, the superior way for mums (natch) to parent. They just love their kids too much (not sure how much they think their ohs love them) to consider the possibility it doesn't provide anything a wm can't.

So when someone points this out (and not randomly, often after wm have been criticised subtly of course) they're frothing at the mouth with rage and go on the attack. Because if they have to think that wm can parent just as well as they can and they're not all terribly guilty and wishing they could be a sahm then maybe they have to doubt their choice?

I've been personally attacked by about 5 different people on this thread for the truly awful crime of suggesting we should do more to share care with dad's to help equality. And that the role of sahm has no value to me as I can parent just as well as a wm.

The level of response to those comments (most of which were not introduced to the thread by me) is weird at best.

You need to ask yourself why you're so upset by them that you'd react in that way

And as I've said, I dont know why the op posted. They obviously don't want to keep working. Happy enough to let the high earning oh progress his career and give up hers. And on it goes

Topgub, nobody on here can help you.

Not frothing at all @Topgub. Just really tired of you and others saying things like this

Because if they have to think that wm can parent just as well as they can and they're not all terribly guilty and wishing they could be a sahm then maybe they have to doubt their choice?

or

I've been personally attacked by about 5 different people on this thread for the truly awful crime of suggesting we should do more to share care with dad's to help equality.

It's just nonsense and I'm basically tired of you totally misrepresenting sahms motivations and making them out to be jealous and regressive. This is the second thread on the subject in the last few days and I don't know what kick you get out of it. And it doesn't lead to very balanced advice for the OP.

If you made your points in a reasonable way I'd have absolutely no issue with them. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and it is absolutely true that there are cons as well as pros in deciding to be as sahm for a while. But here is a reason people are responding negatively to you...it's not what you're saying as much as the disdain you're showing to women who choose a different path to yourself. And your complete misrepresentation of them.

I wouldn't be a SAHM no, but I would self fund a year's maternity leave for myself. So quit my job and seek altenatively employment starting after a year.
Only you canb determine whether you are likely to be successful, but I don't think taking time out for a baby is unusual in the US where, are you say, mat leave is very limited.
I wouldn't want to leeave a 3 month old baby, nor was I in a fit state to work at 3 months.

@Marynotsocontrary

And that gives you the right to join a thread with the sole intention of attacking me?

If you're so tired of my views why join a thread and repeat them unprovoked? That doesn't make sense.

Your perception of my views is not my problem.

But you cant respond to me unbidden provoking the 'disdain' you're looking for then whine that was the response you got.

Its happened a few times now.

A thread will be posted on sahm/wm/gender politics. I'll reply to the op.

Someone will pop up saying uh you just hate sahms don't you!! You've said xyz in the past.

I stupidly engage in defending myself from the personal attack and then I'm accused of being obsessed about sahms.

When its sahms that are obsessed with me. And the idea that everyone must value their role or BE DESTROYED 🤣

Very odd.

Personally OP, I think it it a choice you are best placed to make (obviously). Do you know how easy it will be to get back to work again after a more extended leave? How disruptive will this be for your career do you think? You have spoken about moving home in 4 or 5 years so there will be another move then. A lot depends on your qualifications and your job. Have you completed your family and if not when are you hoping to add to it. All these things that you are best placed to answer. There is no doubt that sahms have less personal financial security. But 12 weeks is very short too and will make breastfeeding more difficult if that's what you choose. You are best placed to make the best choice for you and your family, but be aware your circumstances may change in the future.

@Topgub I think I saw you post that you took 6 months. By American standards that would make you a SAHM in most work places. Why not go back as soon as you were physically able? Presumably there was value either to you or your baby in you staying home.

@Lilgamesh2

Taking mat leave isn't the same as being a sahm.

The value in a mat leave is recovering from birth /adjusting to be coming a parent although we expect most men to do that while working so I'm not sure that counts.

I'm not sure I would have been physically capable of doing my job prior to 6 months. But I felt ready at about 4 months

We can only imagine how difficult those "valueless" months must have been for you Topgub. Thank you for sharing. And thankyou you for all your posts. They are so valuable.

@lazaro

Valuable enough to compel you to comment to have a wee sly dig.

Its hilarious how insecure and sensitive sahms are

🤣

I'm one of the valuable working women like you Topgub.
Oh sorry.., I'm semi-valuable. That is to say, I'm valuable on the three days I work. On the other four days per week, I'm of no value. Sadly, DH is of more value then me as he works longer hours. Drat!! I am very insecure about this. Just off shopping in a mo - the walk of shame!

@lazaro

Seeing as you're so annoyed by my comments, why do you think I should value a role that has no impact on my life?