Would you be a SAHM in my position?

[ShouldibeSAHM]

I am married and pregnant, living in the US.

We rent here and both work but have a home in the UK that he bought before we met, I’m not on the deeds and only contributed to bills when I lived there. I have decent savings but not a great pension (can’t contribute to UK pension much while I’m here anyway).

The Mat leave at my company is 12 weeks, majority unpaid. I really don’t think I will want to go back to work after 12 weeks (or less, unless I work right up until giving birth). I know it’s common place here and some people’s preference but I don’t want my child in nursery or with a nanny so young.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM but I worry about how it will look on my CV and my personal financial security and how hard it will be to get back into work. He has a lot of investments, savings etc from before we met. He always calls it our money, we have a joint account and I buy whatever I want within reason even though he earns a lot more.

What would you do in my position?

I wouldn't do it, but it looks like you've made your mind up anyway.

Funny how we don't feel sorry for the dad's missing out on these once on a life time experiences enjoying their babies eh?

In your position yes I would, and look for a job when baby was 1+

I took vol redundancy at the end of my mat leave and went back 2.5 years later to a more senior role and the flexible working package I wanted, promoted again within a year. I also do quite a bit of senior level recruitment and wouldn’t be put off in any way by a gap to have children. Do what’s right for you and your family xx

In your position, or any position really, I would never want to be a SAHP. So I would explore as many options as possible to avoid it!

You don't sound sold on the idea of giving up work, so maybe it's better to think about all your options, including reducing hours, or even moving back to UK earlier so you have more support. It doesn't sound like you have a lot over there, which isn't unusual if it's not your home country.

OP has already explained that they are in the US due to the DH's job and he can't reduce his hours or work flexibly.

OP, it's perfectly normal and natural to be a SAHM. Always has been, always will be. What mother wants her 12 week old with strangers all day? That would have destroyed me, personally. Having a baby is not a 12 week inconvenience to be shoved under the carpet. I'm sure your DH wouldn't want his baby separated from his / her mother at that age. Just do what you need to do as a family and enjoy it. MN is very weird about SAHMs, but sadly, the weirdness generally comes from people who don't have the opportunity to SAH anyway. So I would strongly recommend talking with your husband. That's all that matters.

Surely the costs of being at work also come into things? Tax, NI, work travel, work clothing, childcare, house hold costs all add up and unless people are on super salaries mean it’s actually not worthwhile monetarily working. If you have a property maybe look at that as a business to get into, as a rental, holiday home, short term rental? That’s a business you can run as a SAHM yourself. If you have a child ensure you have wills done to protect your futures.

Being a wp is also natural and normal.

The vast majority of parents work.

Not working is def a minority

@geonosis

Of course you don't have to be on a super salary for working to be worthwhile. Such a shortsighted view

🙄

In your situation OP I would be a SAHM. But I wouldn't look at it as long term thing. I would look to put my child in nursery at just over a year, maybe 18 months and get another job.
Are you in a sector that you can get back into the workforce quite easily?
I assume you'd been fine for a visa since you've already been working there?

Well, you obviously can't put a 12 week old baby in a full-time nursery OP and nor should any woman be expected to. Ridiculous! This is MN where you will be told all kinds of hyperbolic doom about being a SAHM (by people who have no experience if it whatsoever) but please take it with a (large) pinch of salt. Get your DH to put you in the deeds of your home in the U.K., and also put some investments in your name or joint - and go for it. Enjoy your baby! Some things are priceless.

Well this is blatantly untrue since 12 weeks is the norm in the US and until relatively recently was the norm in the U.K.
When I had my dc 30 or so years ago I returned to work when they were 12 weeks old. In some ways easier than when they're 6,9 or 12 months because there's zero separation anxiety. Oh and I bf too, as did many of my working mum friends.

Obviously it's entirely up to you OP, but I do think as you're in a culture where it's the norm to have a short ML that will make it easier. I mean, I'd probably find it strange now to only have 12 weeks if I was having a baby now in the U.K. because so many people have a year off, but it was totally normal when I did.

Personally I would always prefer to WOH, even if part time, than step out of my career completely. But it's your decision. Just don't let the nay sayers bang on about it being impossible.

If you take a year it shouldn’t hurt your employment chances when you move back to the uk. I’d be concerned that your DH might change his mind about moving back.

Can you find another job in the US when baby is one on the visa you are on?? If so I would take a year but in condition that DH makes contributions to your pension during that time, that you have full control over family money during that time and that all future investments made are either in joint names or your name. I think you also need a savings pot for yourself in case of emergency, not for day to day living.

If not, I’d want a nanny for my child. Then you can see them during your breaks during the day when you are wfh and you will have more control over their care. It will also be lsss stressful to work if you don’t have to do drop offs and pick ups.

I would never choose to be a SAHM but on the other hand there’s no way I could leave a 12 week old baby with a nanny or nursery.

In your shoes I’d be a SAHM for a year and then start planning to go back to work. I really don’t think a year out will do much harm to your CV or job prospects.

It’s not.

I took 15 months and could gladly have had more. There’s never enough time with your baby.

Be a SAHM OP.

You’ll only be settling in with your little one by 12 weeks. It would be incredibly hard to go back at 12 weeks.

The us is very backward when it comes to child care, yes
As a relatively financially stable family with no ££ concerns I would do everything' to look after the vulnerable young baby I brought into the world.
Many people simply don't have that luxury and I wouldn't allow the backward USA to rob me of that time !

It's a teeny blip in your career that could last untill you 80s...still fit and well.

You could open a sipp ( personal pension) and ask DH to start paying Into it for you?

I think it's absolutely prudent for women to carefully consider their best options at this stage
However in your circumstances I wouldn't hesitate and probably agree to pay into a sipp whilst off.

@Rainbowqueeen yes my visa will allow me to work at any job.

neither of us are contributing much to our pensions - the max amount but it’s not much.

I have about £30k in my own person savings in the UK.

I don’t expect to have full control over family money - equal I think is fair but do agree on future investments being in both our names. The only account we have here is joint.

To pps that went back after 12 weeks or less, how did you feel physically? Friends have have had babies seen in the thick of recovering / getting to grips with things for months?

Too long for what?

Returning to work at 12 weeks is lunacy; I'm so grateful for our system here.

If you're returning anyway and don't earn a huge amount then I would become a SAHM for the next year or two

I wouldn't have gone back to work at 12 weeks - and I was very happy to get back to work when they reached a year old with both mine. Although I went down to 3 days a week.

As a PP said, keep your options open for as long as possible. If it was me I'd quit and then try to find something part time.

A years maternity is very normal in the UK so you've got a while before you need to worry about it looking bad on your CV.

I had 6 months at home as an expat. DH was well compensated and I had full access to all our accounts and he literally would not have cared what I spent but I lived like a pauper. Hated the feeling of not contributing. I spent hours looking for deals to take DS out but spent most time at parks or the pool where I would have had to spend.

I'm so glad I got the opportunity to experience it and would never have any opinion on what works for other families but it just wasn't right for us.

I also have experience of going back to work at 3m pp after DH was made redundant. By some stroke of luck my 2nd born never breastfed so I exclusively pumped and was well established in that by the time I went back. Also DH was at home job hunting so I didn't have to worry about the kids. There's no way I could have done it after my 1st baby but honestly preferred it after my second.

I now work 2 split nightshifts a week and have my kids at home at all other times. It's the right fit for our family and I love the flexibility.

@DixonD

How long did the babies dad take with them?

@SW1amp

Too long for women to be off

If they take the full year and don't split it.

Day care is no place for a 12 week old baby. It needs its mum. You'll be able to pick up your career one day but honestly, you need to put your child's needs first.

@SaltyCrisp

Did your babies dad put their needs first and give up work too?