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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be a SAHM in my position?

235 replies

ShouldibeSAHM · 19/07/2022 17:01

I am married and pregnant, living in the US.

We rent here and both work but have a home in the UK that he bought before we met, I’m not on the deeds and only contributed to bills when I lived there. I have decent savings but not a great pension (can’t contribute to UK pension much while I’m here anyway).

The Mat leave at my company is 12 weeks, majority unpaid. I really don’t think I will want to go back to work after 12 weeks (or less, unless I work right up until giving birth). I know it’s common place here and some people’s preference but I don’t want my child in nursery or with a nanny so young.

We can afford for me to be a SAHM but I worry about how it will look on my CV and my personal financial security and how hard it will be to get back into work. He has a lot of investments, savings etc from before we met. He always calls it our money, we have a joint account and I buy whatever I want within reason even though he earns a lot more.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Topgub · 19/07/2022 21:17

@shesoff and @tiggergoesbounce

So do you think sahms are better parents then? Because they spend longer with their kids?

Whats theagic number of hours required to achieve the difference?

What about kids in school? Are parents of school age kids worse parents than sahms of preschoolers kids?

What about shift workers?

shesoff · 19/07/2022 21:22

TopGub - for someone who claims to have convinced herself that SAHMs have 'no value', you don't half spend a lot of time obsessing about them.

It's all a bit 'the lady protests too much' don't you think?

If I thought something had 'no value', the last place you would find me would be on a thread about it. I'd be bored to the back teeth discussing something I thought had 'no value.'

Topgub · 19/07/2022 21:24

@shesoff

Lol.

Nice avoidance

Gender politics are fascinating.

Can you answer my questions?

Topgub · 19/07/2022 21:29

Also the op was sahm or not

I'm interested in the not.

Typical of a sahm to think anyone who doesn't view being a sahm as the ideal is either jealous (as if, couldn't think of anything worse] or a (shock horror) man

🤣🤣

shesoff · 19/07/2022 21:29

"So do you think sahms are better parents then? Because they spend longer with their kids?"

I didn't say that. Interesting you less to the defensive though.

Patents are parents whether they work or not. Each to their own.

But a mum (or dad) is of more 'value' to a child then a nanny or childminder, yes. That is why I'm a SAHM.

If, as you say, you and your DH shared the early years between you (with no paid childcare) then presumably you did that because you thought you were of 'more value' to your kids then a childminder or nanny. So it seems you do value SAHP.

Topgub · 19/07/2022 21:33

@shesoff

Thats quite the twist

That wasn't the question I asked.

I said sahms aren't achieving any parenting I'm not as a wp

You immediately responded with thei spend longer with their kids!!

Not, they don't put kids in child care!

You can not be a sahm and not use childcare. So that's not of value to me.

I also don't see anything wrong with using childcare so avoiding it again, not of value.

We just didn't need it. Had we needed it, we would have used it, no issue

GeekyThings · 19/07/2022 21:36

How are you of more value to baby or child than a nanny or childcare provider? If you're not providing any more in terms of parenting than a working parent? Because the only difference between a SAHP anda working parent, as you've said yourself, is the time spent with them; and nannies and childminders do exactly the same thing.

shesoff · 19/07/2022 21:36

I'm not following any of that. Can you explain the point of what you're getting at?

shesoff · 19/07/2022 21:37

Sorry, that was to TopGub.

Topgub · 19/07/2022 21:43

@shesoff

Really?

I'm not jealous of sahms. I dint want to be one. I'm not a man.

I dont think the role of being a sah mum specifically has any value over any other kind of parenting

I'm not a worse parent than a sahm because I (sometimes) spend less time with my children

They're not missing out on anything

Its not hard to follow

Marynotsocontrary · 19/07/2022 21:45

Not seeing value in the role is not looking down on sahms. And I've never said they are letting other women down

Nonsense @Topgub.

You have said previously that you don't believe the SAHM role to be a valid choice.

You have said that you believe that SAHMs have a poorer work ethic.

You have said that mothers staying at home with children promotes social inequality which hurts other women.

That's your opinion. At least own it.

shesoff · 19/07/2022 21:45

Nobody said you were a worse mum. Why are you so triggered?

YOU said SAHMs have no value.

People were responding to that.

Topgub · 19/07/2022 21:47

@shesoff

I'm not triggered

I'm answering your questions.

You're not answering mine though, cause you can't

Topgub · 19/07/2022 21:49

@Marynotsocontrary

Are you keeping a list?!

🤣

There were context to all of those comments. But not denying saying them

If sahms don't like my opinions that's not really my problem

Veebees26 · 19/07/2022 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tiggergoesbounce · 19/07/2022 21:54

so do you think SAHP are better parents then

No, @topgub despite you trying to derail every thread with your nonsense.

No, i am pointing out that they are spending more time with their child.
You can be a shite or a good parent wether you work or stay at home.

I was a better parent to our child for being at home with our DS.

My DH is a better parent for working, he loves his job and wanted to carry on working. I married a man who respected what my choices were to be if we had kids.
I have a stronger bond with our son but we love him equally.
I can better "parent" our DS as he listens to me more and i know more what makes him tick. We love him equally.

Our DS has a great life as do I and my DH. I did the best for my family.

But i wouldnt be so dim and small minded to know that fits everyone. Hence why i respect their choices and luckily most people in the real world dont give 2 hoots and those that would only ever value me based on my income, well we wouldn't allow them in our circleSmileWink

shesoff · 19/07/2022 21:54

TopGub - if I'm totally honest, the reason I was a SAHM is because, when it came to my kids' early years, I wasn't prepared to leave anything to chance. For me , it was as simple as that really. I can never pay someone enough to love my kids, or to go the extra mile with them that makes the difference. I do that instinctively because I am their mother. There is most definitely 'value' in that.

Also, I wax fortunate to have a husband to financially provide for his children ti have their mum around.. But then I wouldn't have married a man who couldn't tell the difference between a mother and a paid nanny.

Topgub · 19/07/2022 21:55

@Veebees26

I vehemently disagree with choice feminism. Its rude to call people moronic and a dick and bit of cheek to then accuse me of attacking women (which I'm not, its not personal)

Genuine ask yourself why you would think that I have unresolved feelings of guilt about not being a sahm.

You call yourself a feminist and then attack someone who doesn't want to be a sahm? Saying they must feel guilty?

What kind of mysoginist bullshit is that

So much for equality being choice

(Funny how accusations of jealousy and guilt are brought out when hardquestions need to be avoided though eh?)

SaltyCrisp · 19/07/2022 21:58

missdemeanors · 19/07/2022 20:01

@SaltyCrisp that's your opinion.
Which is fine.
It doesn't make it a fact

Studies back me up.

And I'm not interested in all the "what about the menz" It's what's best for a baby that you've chosen to bring into the world that matters most. And putting it into day care isn't best.

Topgub · 19/07/2022 21:58

@shesoff

Ah, the sahm mum bingo.

I just loved my kids to much. Only I would go the extra mile

🤣

Topgub · 19/07/2022 21:59

@tiggergoesbounce

Actually it was yourself and Mary who provided the derail.

I dont understand why you need strangers to value your role at all but I've a feeling I wouldn't want to be in your circle either way

JanuaryKeepMe · 19/07/2022 22:00

I have been a sahm for 18 years, it has worked out really well for us. Very happy marriage and children. My sister worked full time from her children being 12 weeks old, very happy marriage and children. You do what works for your family.

The one thing I would suggest is levelling out the investments/savings so that he transfers some into your sole name to make you feel more secure financially. I have more personal savings in my sole name than Dh does as an added security.

Topgub · 19/07/2022 22:00

@SaltyCrisp

Which studies?

shesoff · 19/07/2022 22:01

"Genuine ask yourself why you would think that I have unresolved feelings of guilt about not being a sahm."

Er, because every time I come in MN, you are going on about SAHMs?

Topgub · 19/07/2022 22:03

@shesoff

Nah.

I'm really not. Even if I was, nothing in my comments indicate guilt

Why are you so insecure in your choices you can't cope with someone not valuing them?