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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with my sister on holiday..

297 replies

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:05

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

OP posts:
Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:08

I have my own private speculation that her DP may be ruling the roost here and he certainly calls the shots. She seems to be attached to him by the hip. I've not shared this with her of course.

OP posts:
Randomness12 · 19/07/2022 16:09

I don’t think the situations you’ve described are controlling at all. Maybe they are having sex? Perhaps she’s ovulating and has asked him to come up with excuses? Or maybe he just doesn’t like your family, being on holiday with them could be very intense and I’d expect her to act as a buffer in that situation.

I think you’ve been a bit hasty here - unless there is more to it - and you should apologise .

ForeverandAlways4 · 19/07/2022 16:09

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

I don't think YABU at all. As a sister that's exactly what I would do. I'm not sure why your sister is so worked up about it though.I hope she's OK and you didn't "strike a nerve" if you know what I mean.

Shoxfordian · 19/07/2022 16:10

Maybe they want some private time as a couple and/or sex

Seems like you expect everyone to like everything you like

Angelinflipflops · 19/07/2022 16:11

It seems a bit much to cry about it!

luxxlisbon · 19/07/2022 16:12

I mean it sounds like he just wants a bit of alone time with her which is normal for a couple. Really nothing about this sounds particularly controlling.

Telling her how she should be enjoying/ spending time on the holiday is more controlling and that was from you.

PintofPlain · 19/07/2022 16:13

There’s not enough information to judge whether she’s being tyrannised, whether she prefers to spend time with her partner, whether he’s struggling with the expectation they need to spend all their time with the family, and/or whether you’re being deeply tiresome and expecting her to want to spend her holiday in exactly the same way you do, to ‘make the most of’ the holiday.

Maggit · 19/07/2022 16:13

Nothing in your post indicates that your sister is unhappy being in the room with her DP. The fact that you start your post with (imo slightly superior) info that you and your partner like to be outside all day makes me think that you're not very empathetic and that you think your way is the best.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:13

Maybe I am being unreasonable. She's my little sister - only 21. He's much older than her.

Nice enough guy - but I just feel there's been a couple of red flags over the years that I've never voiced.

They're of course absolutely more than entitled to go and do whatever they'd like to do! I just get a strange vibe at the moment.

Our family is extremely (usually!!) easy going - and we've spent plenty of time apart as well as together as a group

OP posts:
Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:15

It's very much he calls the shots and she follows. I just wanted to look out for her. We are more than happy (DP and I) to spend time without the group - maybe I've worded my opening wrong 😂😣 but yes we like to spend as much time when away from home, enjoying what makes being away, different from home.

OP posts:
Meraas · 19/07/2022 16:15

YANBU. She is taking out her feelings on you. You've raised it now, let her come to you in future if she needs help.

SleeplessInEngland · 19/07/2022 16:16

If it's as you've described then she's really overreacted. But maybe her side of the story would be different.

PrachtStück · 19/07/2022 16:16

It could be one of two things - they want some private time, or he’s indeed controlling. I lean towards the latter.

I would’ve done the exact same thing, although my sister wouldn’t have had that reaction but maybe that’s because we come from a family where we were exposed to this kind of controlling behaviour on a daily basis. It’s dangerous and your sister’s reaction makes me think she’s gone over-defensive as she’s too scared for people to find out he’s abusive. I sincerely hope that’s not the case.

Everybody siding with her now is a bit of an overreaction, even if you were in the wrong.

WimpoleHat · 19/07/2022 16:16

My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

And that’s fine. But I’m not like that. And I’d hate that. So - if I came on holiday with you, I’d definitely be wanting to do something else/go somewhere else/spend some time in my room. If your sister’s partner does too, it’s not unreasonable at all that she’d choose to do that with him, so they can have some time together. Doesn’t mean he’s controlling - maybe just that he’s not enjoying your “family time” as much as you are.

bluekostree · 19/07/2022 16:17

I think on big family holidays you have to accept that people want different things. When we go away my dh will take himself for a few hours during the day to read/ nap/ watch a film. I wouldn't expect him to want to spend all his time with my family. Your sisters bf might feel the same. I think pulling her up on how they're behaving as a couple is rude/ unless you've seen or heard him being rude/ abusive etc.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/07/2022 16:18

Her reaction tells me what's you've said has struck a nerve.

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 19/07/2022 16:18

People want different things out of holidays and it sounds like the dynamics have changed now she has a OH, apologise and relax. Let them holiday how they want to holiday!

AnyasAttic · 19/07/2022 16:19

Or maybe he just doesn’t like your family, being on holiday with them could be very intense and I’d expect her to act as a buffer in that situation.

even if I loved everyone there I would still find spending that much time with other people too much. I’d expect a DP to extract me from the group for long periods to dilute the intensity.

grafittiartist · 19/07/2022 16:20

I don't like to be outside all the time, so he maybe wants different things from a holiday.

dessertsun · 19/07/2022 16:20

It's very difficult to comment on whether anyone did anything ""wrong" or not without knowing the people involved.
All I can say is this. When you do extended family holidays with partners etc, it's often difficult for everyone to fit in together and sometimes the way the "original family" did things won't be how all groups continue to holiday in the future.
I know that when my partner has been away with my extended family, I also think about how he would enjoy things, and that sometimes means compromising on what we do together, as a couple but also as a group.
Did your comment come across as if he wasn't letting her enjoy herself? Did you imply that she was letting him control her holiday?

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:20

I'm more than happy to - and will apologise to her when I next see her.
I'm concerned by her reaction that I've struck a nerve, too.

Perhaps it's all genuine and innocent and it's just time they want - which is fine! But I've been having this niggling feeling for a while that he's not all sunshine and roses. I've heard the way he's spoken to her several times in the past and have been concerned. He's condescending and is very much the one who calls the shots.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 19/07/2022 16:21

I would hate to be outside all day long on a holiday and I would probably want to go indoors for a while too. I know I would draw my DH to one side to see if he wanted to come with me because in this type of situation he might not want to say to the group that he would like to go inside for a bit but would come if I asked him. Just leave them to get on with the holiday on the way they want to.

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:22

On the face of it, nothing you’ve described is controlling. Family holidays where you’re together all the time are really hard. I’m sure I’ve done the same sorts of things when we’ve been away with family. Tbh I can see why she was annoyed with you.

Cherrysoup · 19/07/2022 16:22

Why is she crying? Because you brought up that she's spending a lot of time in her room? I don't understand why that's a problem?

ShirleyPhallus · 19/07/2022 16:24

God it’s not him who sounds controlling, it’s you. It doesn’t make you better people to enjoy spending time outdoors. It’s their holiday too, they can do what they want, it really isn’t to you to remind them of spending “quality time” together but on your terms.

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