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Original poster

Argument with my sister on holiday..

297 replies

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:05

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

OP posts:
Groovee · 19/07/2022 19:54

Your family sound dreadful. Using horrible comments about being just like your dad is awful.

How much longer are you there?

whynow32 · 19/07/2022 19:55

I don't think you've been out of order to ask if she's ok.

But maybe she's embarrassed as you've asked her why she goes to her room so often? Maybe they are having sexy time? 🙈 and she now cries because she's embarrassed?

Also in regards to the controlling thing .. there's always one person in the relationship who's a little more bossy than the other. And maybe she's ok with him taking control? Asking if she wants to go to the shops etc in my relationship DP takes charge of everything pretty much and I'm ok with that. Very rarely I'm not and I say what I have to say and we do as I say but most times I'm happy to follow his lead

ivykaty44 · 19/07/2022 19:58

I think you'd be better of apologising and then relaxing and enjoying your holiday

if something I off then hour sister needs to feel comfortable with you and able to reach out, so apologising and backing of gracefully will help with this

TeddybearBaby · 19/07/2022 19:59

How hurtful that not one person in your family has bothered to ask you for your perspective on what has happened here.

I’d find it really hard to handle.

Sounds like your partner is being a rock. How toxic and dramatic. I hope you’re ok 💐

AllNightDiner · 19/07/2022 20:01

Perhaps you've changed some details for privacy, but if you're 30 and your father left when you were 5, and your sister is 21, then am I right in thinking you don't have the same father? What about the other siblings?

It sounds to me as though you've been scapegoated for the failure of your parents' marriage. Did he leave because he couldn't cope with parenthood? Perhaps your mother's blamed that on you all these years. The family dynamic sounds a real mess and I don't think you can even unravel it on your own, never mind fix it.

I would apologise kindly without grovelling for the fact that you inadvertently upset her. Don't get sucked back into explaining or defending yourself. Try to enjoy the remainder if the holiday, but be ready to slope off every day with your DP if the rest of the family seem to be spoiling for a rekindled fight. Once you get home, I think you need to explore your family story with a counsellor or psychotherapist, and go low contact with your family until you've made some headway with that.

So sorry, both about your family and your holiday.

lioncitygirl · 19/07/2022 20:02

I actually feel really bad for you OP - like me, I would have asked my younger sister if o felt things were ‘odd’ - seems it’s been blown out of proportion. Now they’re being incredibly horrible to you, and you’re meant to just take it?! What happens if you get emotional and cry then? How awful for them to treat you this way.

Ffsmakeitstop · 19/07/2022 20:07

You were right to ask if she was ok. Might make her realise her situation is perhaps not what it should be.
As for your family members messaging you that is horrible. I would be keeping my distance for the rest of the holiday and when you get back.

PopThatKettleOn · 19/07/2022 20:09

I’d screenshot those messages and keep just in case this blows up even more. They are bullying you op. Your sister must have known that they would immediately take her side in the way they did. That is likely why she ran to them and made up a new story.

ldontWanna · 19/07/2022 20:13

I think you're right about him being a shitty partner, who knows to what extent.

But I think you were wrong to approach your sister like that. Firstly,because it sounds like a criticism on her and second because it doesn't sound like the right environment for her to open up and reach out if she is in trouble. You just added extra expectations/pressure on her ,which would explain the tears, unless she actually has form for that kind of behaviour.

So yes, apologise and drop it. Let it rest. When you're back home and settled once again, take her out or ask her over and just tell her you're concerned about her and ask if everything is ok. Let her lead the conversation and just remind her you are there for her is she needs you(if that's the case).

RampantIvy · 19/07/2022 20:14

WitchWithoutChips · 19/07/2022 19:42

Your family sound absolutely awful. I have no idea why you have gone on holiday with them.

I agree.

FurAndFeathers · 19/07/2022 20:17

Honestly @caraanna your family sounds dreadful.

you Dsis is likely being controlled but she’s clearly been raised in a family where it’s clear love is conditional and safety is in being part of the pack and scapegoating you/your dad/other common enemy.
she doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of that so it’s easier to turn them in you!

have you asked the family members exactly what it is you’ve said that is so problematic? I suspect she’s given them a very different version.

I’d honestly be going low contact with the lot of them

kimfox · 19/07/2022 20:18

Saying again and again you are like your father is absolutely disgusting if they know you know they all despise him and think he is / was evil. This is even worse if that father isn't shared by all siblings, and worse still if you have a step father who is actually there. I feel bad for you. If this is all true and happened the way you say they owe you an apology.

HTH1 · 19/07/2022 20:23

Sorry OP but your family really is horrible to you, from what you say. I would be going LC and stopping any group holidays after this.

HTH1 · 19/07/2022 20:25

FurAndFeathers · 19/07/2022 20:17

Honestly @caraanna your family sounds dreadful.

you Dsis is likely being controlled but she’s clearly been raised in a family where it’s clear love is conditional and safety is in being part of the pack and scapegoating you/your dad/other common enemy.
she doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of that so it’s easier to turn them in you!

have you asked the family members exactly what it is you’ve said that is so problematic? I suspect she’s given them a very different version.

I’d honestly be going low contact with the lot of them

Also this. Your sister is the favourite and you are being belittled and treated as a scapegoat.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 20:27

Sorry for not responding - just been taking in the replies.
Thank you - this thread has been great for me to get everything off my chest.
I'm now in bed - hoping for a better day tomorrow! Xx

OP posts:
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 19/07/2022 20:47

you do not need to apologise and lesson learnt about your family. shocked by comments about comparison to your father. they sound a delight

SilverTotoro · 19/07/2022 20:54

The things you’ve said about your family’s behaviour to you is shocking. After this holiday I’d seriously be considering going LC. Comparing a child no matter their age to a bad parent is toxic behaviour - it also seems like they are making you a scapegoat. I’m sorry this is happening to you - try to make the best of the rest of your holiday even if that means you and your Dp just doing your own thing.

PomRuns · 19/07/2022 21:00

You're family sound awful. I'd be distancing myself from them. Those texts are completely unacceptable. You must feel very upset.

stayathomer · 19/07/2022 21:05

It depends, you used the word controlling-did you insinuate that with her?
because either a) he’s being controlling and she’s embarrassed/cornered/trying to work it out in her head
b) he’s not (I can see why you’d want a break from the other half’s family if you were on holidays/maybe he has a different idea of a holiday etc etc)

LookItsMeAgain · 19/07/2022 21:11

@caraanna - how much longer is there to your holiday? If I were you and your DP, I'd consider either trying to find a different location to spend the rest of the holiday (change hotels if you need to) or just come home.
Then I would grey rock the entire family.
Only when they are ready to speak to you with a civil tongue in their heads would I consider saying anything back to them.

As I mentioned earlier, I think anyone throwing that "you're like your father" back in your face as an insult is terrible. Actually, so what if you are? You're standing up for yourself. You were also only trying to be on the look-out for your younger sibling. That's a decent thing to do.

If you do the above, be prepared for the flying monkeys - "Why aren't you talking to us? We didn't do anything wrong, why are you being like this?" kind of thing.

All that said, I wouldn't be hanging around for Round 2 and I certainly wouldn't be apologising to any of the family. You're a part of that family.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 21:20

I've got another 3 days here, we leave Friday. So will stick it out I think, and just do our own thing!

OP posts:
ChristmasCurry · 19/07/2022 21:21

If someone in my family sent me a text like that, I would never speak to them again.

Move to a hotel and sod the lot of them.

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/07/2022 21:22

I personally think you’ve called it right and her boyfriend is a bit of a twat.

Wait until she’s ready to share that with you though (unless you think she’s coming to any harm obviously), or you will drive a wedge between you.

Gut feeling - she’s crying because she’s feeling pulled in every direction by what everyone else wants iyswim.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/07/2022 21:22

I'd definitely do that @caraanna . Don't arrange to meet for breakfast/lunch/dinner. Just do you own thing.

Can you arrange your own transfer back to the airport?

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 21:25

I can see why she's upset if there's something more to this. I do feel very bad for making her cry ☹️ it was never ever my intention!

I can organise my own transport back so that's no problem!

OP posts: