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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with my sister on holiday..

297 replies

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:05

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

OP posts:
Rafferty10 · 19/07/2022 16:50

I think you were perfectly reasonable to say what you did and she totally overreacted, a simple, 'oh butt out sis, this is how l like to enjoy my holiday' ! would have been a normal reaction.
l would also be concerned by her over reaction, and the seemingly being fine with you, then running in tears to your family, she is 21` not 12! maybe you hit a nerve...

This is a storm in a teacup, and your family do not seem nice at all, next year go seperately !

But l agree with keeping a close eye on your sis, as her partner does sound bullying....

DashboardConfessional · 19/07/2022 16:51

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2022 16:49

I didn't want to go into a tonne of detail if I really didn't have to. My thread wasn't supposed to be about her DP's part behaviours - I just wanted to know
If me asking if she's okay and suggesting we should make the most of our holiday was unreasonable

Well I don't think this really works in your favour because his past behaviour is the part that makes your actions reasonable.

Suggesting she should be making the most of the holiday IS unreasonable and IS patronising. So yes you were unreasonable to do that.

But you aren't unreasonable to be concerned about how he treats her, which is the bigger issue.

This exactly. If he is a bit of an arse then he is probably trying to make her feel uncomfortable and put him first. If he's not he's just an introvert who needs a break.

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:51

I am not the stereotypical bossy, controlling sister.. this was one time that I wanted to check in on her, casually - over lunch as we were talking about the holiday etc etc, to ask if she's having a nice time.

You keep saying this. I wonder what her perception is.

AnnaMagnani · 19/07/2022 16:51

I think you are very likely right.

I also think that I'd never go on holiday with your family ever again given the dysfunctional dynamic your DM perpetuates: you must barely know your father or what his personality is like given he left when you were so very young. To continually criticize you as 'you are just like your father' while also putting your sister in the role of 'the sensitive one' is just playing both of you off against each other.

I'd be moving on and living my own life with my partner, not hanging around for more family role playing dramas stuck in the past.

Sswhinesthebest · 19/07/2022 16:52

On the face of it, it sounds ok - but if there are other red flags then you are seeing a much bigger overall picture.

DeadbeatYoda · 19/07/2022 16:53

I get what lots of people are saying about her / him wanting time alone, maybe he finds too much family time difficult etc but your sister's reaction instantly makes me think there's a problem. Otherwise why make such a fuss. She could just have told you to mind your own business if she didn't like the way / what you asked or she could have just done the normal thing and explained why he felt the need to pull her aside so frequently.

Maybe she exploded at you because she's too scared to explode at him for being demanding. I think your suspicions might be right.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:54

I can hand on heart day I've never once told her how to live life, what she should be doing.. I absolutely understand she is her own person and is an adult! It's this one occurrence and it's blown up way more than I thought our chat would.
We left the restaurant happy and chatting away.. I've now been shunned away by another 8 members of my family. Which is fine, I'm fine to go off and do my own thing tonight.. and I will apologise when I see her.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 19/07/2022 16:55

Her hysterical reaction to your kindly intended question shows that all is not right and you have touched a nerve (without meaning to). Leave her to it.

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:55

Maybe she exploded at you because she's too scared to explode at him for being demanding.

Or just because she’s on a stressful family holiday where she feels like her big sister is judging her. It can be exhausting being on that sort of break.

sleepdeprived321 · 19/07/2022 16:55

Is he from a close family?

I find it extremely intense being around my boyfriends family as I'm not from a big or close family, absolutely no way we'd meet up outside of weddings and funerals so a holiday is crazy to me. However they're very close and the type to go on holiday together to which I would probably refuse due to it being very intense.

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:58

Should have said that any family holiday can be stressful, never mind if you’ve got your partner with you. That can easily lead to explosions over small things.

PopThatKettleOn · 19/07/2022 16:59

I think you were perfectly reasonable. And I think she knows you are right. Your parents don’t want to ’ruin’ the holiday (but they are by their overreactions).

Duttercup · 19/07/2022 16:59

Absolutely not trying drip feed
**
You're kind of failing on that front though. He's gone from giving you a bit of an odd vibe 'over the years', to screaming in her face and breaking her things in the 1.5 years together.

So it's to know what to think because now it's hard to know if you're just escalating your responses in response to the original question not getting the response you expected.

On the surface, I'd say your sister is crying because she's embarrassed you publicly called out her holiday sex life. But who knows.

Cervinia · 19/07/2022 16:59

I feel for you OP, does your mother usually run to her every whim?

as a mother myself, when my two have a disagreement I am more likely to change the subject and downplay it with each of mine then speak to them separately.

your mother is out of order for taking sides. I really would t holiday with them, it sounds difficult

FlissyPaps · 19/07/2022 17:00

YABU - To tell her “we should make the most of this holiday” as you’re implying to her that she isn’t doing. When in reality, holidays are different for everyone. We “make the most of it” differently.

YANBU - To be concerned about her boyfriend if he’s got a temper and you’ve noticed some red flags.

There’s not a lot you can do apart from raise your concerns to her, or a trusted family member.

Youaremysunshine14 · 19/07/2022 17:01

I do think the fact that your entire family has sided with her is interesting. Maybe you have a tendency to be bossy and overbearing and just don't realise it, OP? I think when you apologise to her you should ask for some honest opinions about why they all comforted her and turned their backs on you.

Notthetoothfairy · 19/07/2022 17:01

Ok maybe you were out of line, but only a little (if at all).

As some PPs have said, the bigger issue is that you are being forced to walk on eggshells with your very sensitive younger sister and poisonous DM and other relatives. They have basically jumped down your throat and potentially ruined your holiday over something tiny. There is no way that I would join them on holiday (or possibly even for large events eg Christmas) if I were you.

cansu · 19/07/2022 17:01

You sound bossy. She can spend time in her room or out shopping with her partner if she wants to. You have essentially created a row and your passive aggressive asking if she is OK and then explaining why she should do what you think tells the story.

CallOnMe · 19/07/2022 17:02

I think it’s lovely that you’re looking out for her and its much easier to spot red flags when you’re not in the relationship yourself.

But you said it at the wrong time and place.
What did you think was going to happen? That she ended the relationship there and then and cause loads of drama?

Even if you thought he was very abusive you wouldn’t speak to her in this environment as there’s no way she’s going to listen/ do anything about it because it’s a family holiday.
What you should have done is to watch and take a mental note and once you’re home then bring it up.

I would apologise and make something up that you meant something else.
If she is being controlled then she needs to know you’re ok her side.

starfishmummy · 19/07/2022 17:02

I never once said she SHOULD be doing this or should be doing that

But you did!!

He might be controlling. But away on holiday when he is there too is probably not the best place to discuss this with her.

They might be shagging each other stupid.

She might be saying to him " rescue me from my overbearing big sister in an hour.

Cognacsoft · 19/07/2022 17:04

Well OP I think you may as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb.
I would apologise in such a way that you didn’t intend to upset your dsis but didn’t say anything wrong.
And I would vow never to go on holiday with such toxic people again.
In 10 years you’ll be proven right and your family will have conveniently forgotten that fact and you’ll still be the bad guy.

My younger dsis fell out with me in April and she was very rude and whilst I let it go I distanced myself a bit. She noticed the lack of contact and got upset so I made more effort again. She’s now had another sly swipe at me and I really feel done with her.

I can guarantee your dsis is not as sensitive as you think. I’ve learned that my younger dsis has a manipulative streak hidden under faux helplessness.

TheAverageUser · 19/07/2022 17:05

It's not a good idea to give your opinion on someone else's relationship, we rarely know what's really going on and you probably came over as judgemental. I think YABU.

Onlyhuman123 · 19/07/2022 17:05

I fail to see why you would deliberately upset your sister, who you appear to care for and are slightly protective over. You clearly have a gut instinct that is telling you something isn't right and for her to go blubbing to your family and effectively segragating and ostracising you from the group says more about her than you.

All you can do is apologise to your sister and ensure the rest of your family hear your apology and reasons for saying what you did.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/07/2022 17:08

It does seem like a massive over reaction on her part if that's all you asked her. That might make me think even more that there's an issue tbh.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/07/2022 17:09

I think you're getting a hard time on here OP if it went down like you say.

Your sister is spending a lot of time in her room. You asked if she was enjoying her holiday because of this.

All she needed to say was 'yeah, all good thanks' or whatever and leave it at that. You just asked a question to see if she was ok and having a good time...what's wrong with that?? There is so much at the moment about mental health and checking in with people.

I think her reaction is way OTT and also to be honest it sounds a bit contrived if she was ok and then ran to your family crying - it sounds like she was trying to get you into some kind of trouble. And the dynamics of the rest of your family sound fairly toxic as well - asking your sister if she is ok, or even if youd done something wrong....its not ok to take sides, compare you to your dad, make you take all the blame etc...none of this is normal. Over one comment.

Unless there is a massive back story about your relationship there is something really wrong here and I think you need to be seriously considering whether you want to continue being close with a family with this kind of dynamic. And why the hell you're being expected to apologise for asking a family member if they're ok

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