Argument with my sister on holiday..

[caraanna]

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

Yes I'm very often segregated from the family. I'm currently receiving several long passive aggressive texts from other family members on how awful I've been.

I'd be irritated at someone explaining to me that we should be making the most of our time together. I'm not a crier unless particularly fragile at that moment but I'd definitely withdraw mentally and hopefully invisibly.

Your concerns for her seem valid and checking if she is ok because of spending time in her room is fine. Explaining your different view of what constitutes a good use of holiday time is going much further.

I didn't explain to HER what we do on holiday at all - I just put it into my paragraph as context

And why the hell you're being expected to apologise for asking a family member if they're ok

Have you even read the OP or chose to ignore it to make up some narrative about this guy? The op stated she clearly asked why they have been spending alot of time in the room. None of hee business.

The fact she's only 21 and has been with this 'much older' man long enough for there to be red flags 'over the years' is enough for me to think YANBU to have concerns.

This.

I would absolutely expect two adults in a relationship to spend some time alone with each other on holiday.

If sometime inferred they had a problem with this, as you have, I would be incredibly irritated.

Funny how the 1.5years is over the years according to OP? It's not even 2 years, but supports her story that something is wrong here.

I think the way you described yourself in your OP is causing posters to misunderstand what’s going on. I don’t think you need to let readers know how you enjoy holidays and you don’t need to repeat that you’re going to apologise, it’s your concerns about her partner that seem to be the fundamental issue.

You've detailed some dreadful things the partner had said and done to your sister and that is enough for me to think you were quite likely right in your concerns. Perhaps your wording could have been slightly different in focus when you spoke to her but other than that I think you’ve done the right thing.
Your mother has been very cruel. I would have one last go, maybe once you’re home, at telling your sister that she doesn’t need to be be spoken to and treated like that by a partner . Then leave it, distance yourself from them all and don’t do this group holiday again.

I don’t know if I’m reading a different thread or it’s just that I’ve bothered to read all the messages, but I cannot believe that posters have missed the fact that the conversation was had over a meal, sister was happy and didn’t react badly, but then went rushing off to family badmouthing the OP. Because it seems to me that it was deliberate on her part to try to get OP into trouble - and mums reaction proves it worked.

OP I think you are better off without them. Enjoy your holiday as a couple and don’t ever do a family holiday again!

What on Earth are the horrible messages saying - what do they think you have done wrong?

I don't think you were being unreasonable to be concerned or to ask, op. And her reaction made me think you might have struck a nerve too.

I do wonder if perhaps, in spite of best intentions, you perhaps didn't phrase it in the best way, but I also think from what you've said of your family that there's an element of assigned family roles coming into play.

It seems like you've been marked down as the 'bad one' in some way, the one who stirs things up or gets bossy etc. I'm really sorry your family have reacted like this, it's an awful lot of drama.

Are you ok?

I think you're wise to trust your gut but a word of warning: if he is as controlling as you say, you don't want him painting you as someone determined to break them up.

I'd be very careful what you say and how you say it in future, there's a trick in situations like this to presenting a trusting and happy face to the abuser while finding ways to let the one youre worried about know you're their for them. It needs a lot of subtlety.

In your shoes, I would publicly backtrack your concern and just say it was clumsy phrasing, you were wondering if she was coping in the heat etc.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. I don't think you need to apologise but I'd say "I'm sorry if I upset you, I care and love you I just wanted to make sure you were ok"

That way she knows you have noticed a red flag or two and she can come back to you when she is ready to acknowledge her partner is an arsehole.

And that also says a lot more about them than you OP. What a strange family you have...being passive aggressive by sending texts rather than speaking to you F2F, being passive aggressive in the content of their texts; without hearing your side of the story. What fabrication and embroidered version are they hearing from your sis?

Hope you're telling these family members that it's sod all to do with them anyway!!

Hope you get to enjoy the remainder of your holiday

From what you've said about your family I can't imagine wanting to go on holiday with them! You can't cry to them cos they're the ones saying mean things - how awful. I wouldn't apologise to your sister, you care about her but you'd almost be apologising to get the others off your back :-/

You EXPLAINED how she should spend her holiday. That's more controlling than anything her boyfriend has done?

Having the conversation in open forum during dinner was pretty inappropriate though. OP has pointed out in front of the whole family that sister is spending her time in her room and is she enjoying it. What was the sister supposed to say? She was put on the spot then upset about it and spoke to her mum about it. Maybe she’s embarrassed or fed up of OP for being big sisterly concerned in front of everyone

i have what I’d call a “superior sister” who does stuff like this. It’s these passive aggressive little digs that are really upsetting, the faux wide eyed innocent “oh I was just asking….!” type concern.

It’s actually really horrible to be on the receiving end of because these kind of people rarely do / say anything actually wrong but there’s always this under current of unpleasantness that if you get upset about it, they twist it that you’re sensitive or whatsoever

@Pyri it was only my sister and I.

What's their take on it?

I think your sister isn’t happy in the relationship. I believe what you say about the controlling and she’s waking up to it.
The trouble is: she knows your right and hasn’t got the maturity to get herself out of the situation.

I think you're getting a hard time both on here @caraanna and by your family - particularly regarding the texts you're now getting. They would be her 'flying monkeys' I'd assume? Apportioning blame for the way that your sister flew off the handle at the merest suggestion that you've noticed her and her partner spending a lot of time in their room (which is not a bad thing) but depending on how you delivered it (was it said with a wink wink nudge nudge tone or a concerned tone like is everything alright between you both kind of way) it could be misinterpreted.
I don't think you did anything wrong here and I really dislike the way that your mother should feel that it's ok to compare you to your father. That is not ok. If they are separated, then you shouldn't be the scapegoat for anyone else's frustrations when a conversation is being had. I'd pick your mother up on that. Tell her that she has the right to disagree with your message/the tone/the delivery/whatever but she no longer has the right to throw in your face that you are just like your father. He's clearly not on the scene anymore so her using it as a form of insult is just wrong.

I agree with whomever up thread suggested making a non-apology apology. "I'm sorry that what I said upset you but I'm not sorry for what I said to you. It was coming from a place of love and concern and I'm not apologising for that" kind of thing.

I think you have a right to be concerned based on the examples you’ve given about his behaviour but the fact is for whatever reason she wants to be with him so if you keep poking the fire and making comments etc all you’ll do is drive a wedge between yourself and your sister. If and when they split up she will need to feel she can come to you for support so the best thing to do for now is to keep smiley and friendly and just stay in the background.

You have contradicted yourself alot and each time drip fed a little how awful the boyfriend and your family are and treat you. Last one, how was he awful over the years but only together 1.5years? And if they're all so awful why holiday with them or want to spend so much time with them. I'm certain your sister has a very different version. The fact that you brought up another adult spending time in their room as an issue says alot.

Surely she's an adult and how she enjoys and the makes the best of her holiday is up to her and doesn't need to be judge or commented on.

YABVU for going on a big family holiday. I cant imagine anything worse.

YANBU I don't really understand why you're getting so much flak for wanting to make sure your sister is ok! Her DP sounds a bit nasty at the very least and if it was my friend/daughter/sister/mum etc I'd have said something too. I also wonder if she's very upset because there's a grain of truth to it...