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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with my sister on holiday..

297 replies

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:05

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

OP posts:
redfairy · 19/07/2022 17:29

Sounds like little sister is viewing this 'innocent' check in very differently to the OP. I think I'd be upset if I was asked why I wasn't spending my holiday in the prescribed way then instructed to make the most of the holiday. Any concerns (founded or otherwise) over the boyfriend can't be addressed on holiday and it sounds like it's been soured for everyone now.

Hiddenvoice · 19/07/2022 17:29

It seems like he probably wanted to spend time with just her on your family holiday. They probably talked about it before going that he maybe didn’t want to spend all day every day with the family- nothing wrong with perhaps wanting space. My brothers like to be by the pool all day but my dh and I like to go exploring. Nothing wrong with enjoying different things as long as she’s happy. I also hate being in heat so I’d probably spend a bit of the dah inside to keep cool and my dh would come with me to keep me company.
its not a massive age gap really. Probably not the best time to bring it up to her. Something you could maybe talk about when home and when you’ve noticed some worrying behaviour.
For now I’d try clear the air and move on so you can all enjoy the holiday your own way.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/07/2022 17:29

Randomness12 · 19/07/2022 16:09

I don’t think the situations you’ve described are controlling at all. Maybe they are having sex? Perhaps she’s ovulating and has asked him to come up with excuses? Or maybe he just doesn’t like your family, being on holiday with them could be very intense and I’d expect her to act as a buffer in that situation.

I think you’ve been a bit hasty here - unless there is more to it - and you should apologise .

Why is the sister crying and getting everyone onside where should could just say she's happy with it, he knows she overheats or whatever? Your post only makes sense if they don't know one another - they're sisters!

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 17:30

YANBU I don't really understand why you're getting so much flak for wanting to make sure your sister is ok!

Maybe if you read the posts more carefully you’ll see why. It’s the op having explained to the sister that she should be making the most of the holiday. Not the concern.

JocelynBurnell · 19/07/2022 17:30

She's my little sister - only 21. He's much older than her.

I partly guessed this would be the case.

CantGetDecentNickname · 19/07/2022 17:32

jeaux90 · 19/07/2022 17:15

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. I don't think you need to apologise but I'd say "I'm sorry if I upset you, I care and love you I just wanted to make sure you were ok"

That way she knows you have noticed a red flag or two and she can come back to you when she is ready to acknowledge her partner is an arsehole.

I'd be doing this. Just let her know that you'll be there for her and then ignore the lot of them permanently. It sounds to me as though she was creating drama for the sake of it and has deliberately tried to ruin your holiday. He sounds nasty and she a bit spoiled. I wouldn't say another word to her after you've said that you care. She knows she can come to you if she wants help in the future.

Try to enjoy the rest of your holiday and just do things with your partner. Keep screenshots of all the abusive texts from the rest of the family. There are two sides to every argument and they've not even bothered to ask what yours is. They have assigned you a role in their lives and will not accept you not fitting into it so the situation is unlikely ever to change. I'd recommend not responding to them as it prolongs the argument which had nothing to do with them yet they see fit to get involved with. I'd also recommend not being available if ever asked to do anything for any of them from now on. Going low contact, not no contact could help.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 17:32

I don't know how I can hear describe my tone and intent any more than I have. It was only said in a very lighthearted way over lunch, together - not with everybody else.

I really didn't want to have to come on here and explain my life story, but I have to in answer to those that have asked questions relating..

I am more than happy to be wrong here and willing to apologise of course! I am not holding a grudge by any means just wanted to see others opinions.

My family aren't awful to me - but yes there's a very clear divide in the siblings and yes I do very clearly come bottom of that list, I'm an adult and I'm fine with it.. so I'm not saying this as a cry or anything of the sort.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 19/07/2022 17:33

I think some posters have been a bit harsh here. It's not normal at 21 to run crying to mum because her sibling said something she didn't like. Even if OP came across as being a bit critical, that's not worthy of tears!
Your mum sounds like a fucking bitch though. I can't stand it when a mother says 'you're just like your dad' to their own child, who was abandoned by said father. Besides, she chose him - if you did have shared character traits it's hardly your fault - he's 50% of your genetic make up. It's really evil to make kids feel bad about themselves and about the characteristics that are a fundamental part of who they are, because a parent's relationship went wrong and they are bitter!

I think you are probably right about your sister's bf. And I think you maybe came across as a bit critical but with good intentions. I don't think I'd apologise if I didn't think I'd done anything wrong.

My advice is to not spend so much time with these people - ignoring you is mean and not how decent families behave. I'd spend the rest of my holiday with my dp and sod the lot of them!

Mellowyellow222 · 19/07/2022 17:34

he’s a dick. You know he’s a dick. She knows he’s a dick.

she is embarrassed and annoyed that you have called this out.

on The face of it, spending time on her room is fine. It’s also fine for you to check she is enjoying herself. Her reaction suggests there is something else going in here.

5128gap · 19/07/2022 17:35

I was about to say YABU until you said she was with a much older man from the age of 19 and he appears controlling. You are absolutely right to look out for her. Her over reaction is even more of a red flag imo. I wouldn't raise it again, but I'd definitely keep looking out for her. Your parents should be doing so too.

Gentleness · 19/07/2022 17:35

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:39

I didn't mean to come across that we 'holiday better' or anything of the sort - just explaining in my post how we differ. Which is fine!!! I never once said she SHOULD be doing this or should be doing that - I just said as we finished our meal, l'we should all make the most of this holiday together'

We left on lovely terms - chatting out of the restaurant until my family happened to walk past where she then went and got upset.

I'm honestly just trying to look out for my younger sister - and more than happy to apologise if I've been unreasonable! I will absolutely hold my hands up.

What you said in your post at 16:25 was fine. But what you added at the end of the 1st paragraph here makes me understand why she may be upset. It gives a very different impression of how your conversation ended.

luckylavender · 19/07/2022 17:35

@caraanna -we don't know & we can't judge. Maybe he finds being with your family difficult & this is the agreement they had. Not everyone wants to do the same thing. What I can see from you though is someone who has asked for our opinion but isn't really prepared to accept it. You've just kept doubling down.

exLtEveDallas · 19/07/2022 17:36

@Pyri OP has pointed out in front of the whole family that sister is spending her time in her room and is she enjoying it
No she didn’t. OP stated that sister was fine, walked out of restaurant with her and then ran over to family when she saw them going past.

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 17:36

I don't know how I can hear describe my tone and intent any more than I have. It was only said in a very lighthearted way over lunch, together - not with everybody else.

From your first post…
I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

Regardless of your intent (which she wouldn’t have known) and how lighthearted you wanted it to be, that was always likely to be felt as a criticism. I am amazed that you still can’t see it.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 19/07/2022 17:36

I think your intentions were the best even if timing & delivery could have been better.

Just apologise and say the above. You were concerned she wasn't enjoying herself & that was all.

Even if the BF is controlling (& it sounds it), there is very little you can do until she comes to that realisation herself unfortunately (been there, done that).

Angelinflipflops · 19/07/2022 17:38

Is she the youngest?, sounds like she's used to the attention

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/07/2022 17:39

Her reaction tells me what's you've said has struck a nerve

This ^^

I your comments were as presented the whole thing sounds like a massive overreaction and I'd wonder why

fizzywat · 19/07/2022 17:39

Holidays en famille rarely work out well. Think about it, you are individually living your lives the way you like to do, and suddenly you are all thrown together hothouse fashion with little or no escape. It is really my idea of HELL, despite the fact that our family gets on together very well, perhaps because we give each other space and never holiday together...

Whose idea was the big family holiday? Was everyone delighted to be with everyone else? By any chance OP are you the eldest child?

If you think sister's BF is controlling, you are not helping by saying it to her in the middle of a holiday. I mean WTF is she supposed to do? She will sort it herself in her own time, just let her know you are there if she wants a handhold.

kimfox · 19/07/2022 17:41

Your whole family sound awful and bonkers. I would be really upset if my DM said something so loaded and vicious. Idk why you are getting a hard time. I'd feck off and leave them to it if this continues. Ridiculous. What a drama about nothing. The only thing I could say you've done wrong is to not learn from your mistakes with these people.

greatblueheron · 19/07/2022 17:41

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:45

She's 22 - they've been together around 1.5 years I believe. He's almost 30. (Same age as me.)

I suspect your instincts are right, OP, and asking her if she's ok was not unreasonable.

He was considerably older than her experience wise when they started dating and she may not know or understand how to stand up for herself.

Your family is wrong to be upset with you for asking what's up.

Minimalme · 19/07/2022 17:42

Honestly, you should avoid this sort of 'honesty' it is not your strength.

You weren't just asking if she was ok, you told her she should spend less time in her room and more outside.

You criticised her. Maybe her partner is controlling, maybe he's not, but leave the gentle enquiries to others in the future.

SirChenjins · 19/07/2022 17:43

From what you've described, her partner sounds controlling and manipulative - and her reaction suggests she is aware of that. I think you meant well although you were a bit cack-handed, but because she knows she's not in a healthy relationship she's ultra sensitive to any direct or indirect criticism of him or of the relationship - and is maybe now worried that she's going to have to face up to it given that others have noticed. That's a lot for a 21 year old to do.

I would just apologise for upsetting her, say you're always there for her and leave it at that. Hopefully she'll come round in her own time.

Angelinflipflops · 19/07/2022 17:43

Like who?

SirChenjins · 19/07/2022 17:43

Oh, and your mum is horrible for saying what she did. Awful behaviour from her.

hesttreat · 19/07/2022 17:44

Angelinflipflops · 19/07/2022 17:38

Is she the youngest?, sounds like she's used to the attention

If she's the youngest, as I am, she's sick of her older siblings always telling her what to do!

Always knowing best.

Always getting involved when not asked.

How many times have I when you fed been told I got all "the attention" and wax "spoilt".

Served me well I'm far more successful in relationships and career, than all my older siblings.

Luckily it was only my widest sister who was the real nightmare, the others I could hold at bay.

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