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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with my sister on holiday..

297 replies

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:05

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

OP posts:
skippy67 · 19/07/2022 16:40

WulyJmpr · 19/07/2022 16:24

You're looking out for your sister that's all. He does sound controlling but there's only so much you can do.

I agree with this. I've just read the OP to my 21yo dd, and she reckons your sister reacted that way because she knows you're right.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:40

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:39

So this is one of those where you only want people to agree with you and you don’t engage with anyone who doesn’t.

I'm absolutely more than happy reading through and taking on board all sides and opinions. I can't quote and respond to everyone but answering the common queries I've had :)

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 19/07/2022 16:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GiltEdges · 19/07/2022 16:41

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:39

I didn't mean to come across that we 'holiday better' or anything of the sort - just explaining in my post how we differ. Which is fine!!! I never once said she SHOULD be doing this or should be doing that - I just said as we finished our meal, l'we should all make the most of this holiday together'

We left on lovely terms - chatting out of the restaurant until my family happened to walk past where she then went and got upset.

I'm honestly just trying to look out for my younger sister - and more than happy to apologise if I've been unreasonable! I will absolutely hold my hands up.

But you literally said…

I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday

Hotandbothereds · 19/07/2022 16:41

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:30

The rest of the family have always sided with her throughout the whole time we've been growing up as she's always been very sensitive and very naive - which isn't a bad thing and I'm not saying that to be cruel. She's very easily swept along and I'm privately (not voiced!!!!) concerned about how controlling her partner is.

I've witnessed first hand the things he's said and done in the past to her - from screaming in her face for hanging a Christmas bauble in the wrong place, to kicking over a little light up reindeer she had at Christmas time in the front garden of their first home. She was just excited to decorate for Christmas.

Maybe to others that's normal behaviour but to me it doesn't sit right.

Huge huge drip feed, I completely agree this is awful but this isn’t what you pulled her up on.

You suggested she wasn’t doing the holiday ‘right’ - it’s her holiday, she can spend her time on holiday with her partner however she/they like.

Is your ‘outside all the time’ being out & about exploring or lounging round the pool all day every day? I don’t like lounging every day, suggesting a wander to the shops isn’t a weird suggestion whatsoever.

50mg · 19/07/2022 16:42

You've posted about concerns re your sister's boyfriend and you didn't think to mention his temper until you weren't getting the answers you wanted? OK.

Snog · 19/07/2022 16:42

On the face of it it may be you who is being controlling by not allowing your Sister and her partner to enjoy their holiday in their own way.

However, if you suspect an unhealthy dynamic you may be right on this. I'd speak to your sister on your own and tell her directly what your concerns are.
If you are correct you should be aware that she may or may not be ready to hear this or to do something about it.

Mally100 · 19/07/2022 16:42

op you have drip fed and contradicted yourself alot here, each time when someone pointed it out. It seems entirely normal to take a break from each other on family holidays.In fact, I would think your dp must be awful as you never want to be alone with him. Can you see how that comes across? You have implied something about her dp and can't you see why she's upset? Also, who are you to say what family holidays should be like, definitely not joined at the hip throughout. This guy is also with his girlfriend's family, maybe he needs a break from you all!

Wayfairtwo · 19/07/2022 16:42

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:39

I didn't mean to come across that we 'holiday better' or anything of the sort - just explaining in my post how we differ. Which is fine!!! I never once said she SHOULD be doing this or should be doing that - I just said as we finished our meal, l'we should all make the most of this holiday together'

We left on lovely terms - chatting out of the restaurant until my family happened to walk past where she then went and got upset.

I'm honestly just trying to look out for my younger sister - and more than happy to apologise if I've been unreasonable! I will absolutely hold my hands up.

OP, I totally understand you. You were concerned so you brought it up. She's not happy so all you can do now is apologize and move on. I personally wouldn't say you were being unreasonable, especially if you've had other reasons to believe he was being controlling etc.

RhymesWithAntelope · 19/07/2022 16:43

How old is he? You mention that she's 21, he's older and they've been together years. I just wondered how old he is.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:44

My partner and I like a mix of relaxing by the pool and going out to explore - I never ever said to her that she SHOULD be out and about, she's absolutely fine to walk to the shops etc etc. it's just one of the examples I've popped into my thread because that's something he's asked several times - it's absolutely fine for them to do their own thing!

I didn't want to go into a tonne of detail if I really didn't have to. My thread wasn't supposed to be about her DP's part behaviours - I just wanted to know
If me asking if she's okay and suggesting we should make the most of our holiday was unreasonable.

I didn't say it in a patronising way or anything like that - I really wouldn't.. I don't think I could have said if any nicer ☹️

OP posts:
8654677j556 · 19/07/2022 16:44

spending time away from you guys or in the room is normal! absolutely normal - am assuming they need a break from the family or a having sex. In fact only seeing you guys in the evenings for dinner would be normal. Being controlling is not normal. The two things are not connected.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:45

She's 22 - they've been together around 1.5 years I believe. He's almost 30. (Same age as me.)

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 19/07/2022 16:45

I never once said she SHOULD be doing this or should be doing that - I just said as we finished our meal, l'we should all make the most of this holiday together

Lol.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:45

Typo - she's 21

OP posts:
Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:47

ShirleyPhallus · 19/07/2022 16:45

I never once said she SHOULD be doing this or should be doing that - I just said as we finished our meal, l'we should all make the most of this holiday together

Lol.

I can see what you mean here - as I said I am more than happy to apologise to make amends - I'm not saying I don't want to or that I won't

The way I said it was not in the way it reads. Yes I said should.. but not in a bossy, obsessive controlling way. I can't put it across the way I said it. Happy to be wrong here, it isn't about point scoring

OP posts:
BMW6 · 19/07/2022 16:47

I think you sound quite bossy tbh. I suggest you apologise to her and MYOB in future. He may be horrible to her sometimes, but she's an adult and entitled to make her iwn choices and mistakes.

You remind me of my own older sister. I rarely see her.......

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2022 16:49

I didn't want to go into a tonne of detail if I really didn't have to. My thread wasn't supposed to be about her DP's part behaviours - I just wanted to know
If me asking if she's okay and suggesting we should make the most of our holiday was unreasonable

Well I don't think this really works in your favour because his past behaviour is the part that makes your actions reasonable.

Suggesting she should be making the most of the holiday IS unreasonable and IS patronising. So yes you were unreasonable to do that.

But you aren't unreasonable to be concerned about how he treats her, which is the bigger issue.

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:49

Yes I said should.. but not in a bossy, obsessive controlling way. I can't put it across the way I said it.

you know how you think you said it. That doesn’t mean it was received in the same way. I don’t really know how you can tell someone that they should be making the most of the family holiday without it feeling like a criticism just after you’ve been asking why they’re spending so much time in their room

hesttreat · 19/07/2022 16:49

So last time you had a family holiday was 10 years ago when she was 11?

She's changed she's no longer a child.

I've got a sister similar years older than me as you and your sister,

She always tries to tell me she knows best, she's experienced life, I should've been doing in this and that.

I'm a different person to her, I didn't like things she liked. I don't need her lecturing me because I was the "ickle" sister.

I'm was and am my own person.

ImpartialMongoose · 19/07/2022 16:49

He may well be the more dominant one. However, if a friend or family member told me I wasn't making the most of my holiday, I would be pissed off and going by her reaction this isn't the first time you have been judgemental with her and it sounds like you make her feel inferior, as if who she is and what she does is wrong, in your opinion. You may see it as looking out for your little sister, but you are not the boss of her, she is her own person.

I would say her reaction is probably as a result of an accumulation of judgmental comments you have made, rather than just an OTT reaction to a single innocent remark of yours.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:50

I will go to apologise later when I see her.
My last intention was to upset her - that's really not what I wanted to do. We have a great relationship. I am not the stereotypical bossy, controlling sister.. this was one time that I wanted to check in on her, casually - over lunch as we were talking about the holiday etc etc, to ask if she's having a nice time.

I do apologise for 'drip feeding' I am fairly new to mums net.. I just wanted a general consensus without going into our life in depth. I will in future give more detail.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 19/07/2022 16:50

My older sister would vehemently deny that she's ever been bossy. But she always has been, and all her siblings think so too.

50mg · 19/07/2022 16:50

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:44

My partner and I like a mix of relaxing by the pool and going out to explore - I never ever said to her that she SHOULD be out and about, she's absolutely fine to walk to the shops etc etc. it's just one of the examples I've popped into my thread because that's something he's asked several times - it's absolutely fine for them to do their own thing!

I didn't want to go into a tonne of detail if I really didn't have to. My thread wasn't supposed to be about her DP's part behaviours - I just wanted to know
If me asking if she's okay and suggesting we should make the most of our holiday was unreasonable.

I didn't say it in a patronising way or anything like that - I really wouldn't.. I don't think I could have said if any nicer ☹️

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

So you did tell her what she should be doing to "enjoy" the holiday. At 21, I'd imagine she's doing exactly what she should be doing to enjoy it.

My mum is like this on holiday, every minute has to be crammed with things you couldn't do at home, when actually doing not much with loved ones (something we rarely get the opportunity to do at home) is perfectly valid use of a holiday IMO.

Wafflybollocks · 19/07/2022 16:50

I think you've been totally reasonable. You've seen behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable and you were giving an opening to your sister to talk about it. Hopefully if there is anything going on, at some point she will feel able to talk to you.

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