Argument with my sister on holiday..

[caraanna]

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

You were trying to be a caring sister. Don’t beat yourself up over that. Her partner does sound controlling, but she’s very young and probably wouldn’t recognise such behaviour. Apologise then get on with your own holiday. The rest of the family sounds out of order, particularly referencing your father. Concentrate on you and your partner and be wary of future holidays!

I’ve been putting myself in your shoes. Im
the youngest of 4 and I do feel that sometimes my siblings offer up their advice to me more than they might each other or other people. It’s probably because of the dynamic of them caring for me when we were younger, they have a protectiveness about me and still feel I’m a child it sometimes feels like.

I can probably stamp my feet and have a tantrum similar to your sister if I’m honest. However, it will always be because I value their opinion because they know me so well and I don’t want to hear it.

Also there would never ever be any nastiness with the messages and family getting involved. I feel it’s so spiteful and bullyish and I really think you need to explore these relationships on a deeper level because it feels so unkind.

I can’t stop thinking about you tbh!

Just joining dots here... you say your father left when you were 5. Your sister is 9 years younger than you so must have a different dad. And you have 2 other siblings: one even younger (so also a half-sibling) and another in between, whose age you haven't given.

Are you the only child from your Mum's first marriage, and your siblings are all from her second (happier) marriage?

I know that children from the later/current marriage are often favoured, but scapegoating you - and blaming you for your father's behaviour - is despicable. You were an innocent child. Your mother's child as well as your father's. You are still now innocent of any wrongdoing your father did (of which you were even more the innocent victim than your mother).

My own mother was blamed by her family for her father abandoning them - because she was a girl rather than the desperately wanted boy. It was a horrible thing to say to a child, an appalling burden to put on her, and also untrue (he had a mistress, but let's blame the small child instead!) It harmed her all through her life - not a big obvious trauma, but a fundamental part of her psyche. It also had repercussions on her relationship with me as her daughter.

If you're able to take a step back and look objectively at your family dynamics, I think what you see might shock you. And I hope you'll then be able to see that you are not the bad person it always suited them to portray you as.

It sounds like your sister overreacted and was trying for sympathy but it was your family’s response that horrifies me. They turned on you so quickly and are glaring at you and have called you evil. Really? Unless you are missing some big part of the story that seems really uncalled for. I’m very sorry, I hope you and DH enjoy the rest of your holiday.

This. I think you sound the only level headed one out of them, if there so quick to jump on drama, I’d be jumping right out of the way of them tbh. Feel sorry for you, not nice when it’s your family.

If they can never be alone outdoors because you and your other half are always there, where are they supposed to go when they want to just hang out for part
Of the day alone?

@caraanna Search Ramani’s videos on the “scapegoat” and narcissism. You did nothing wrong, you just asked if she was ok, the response from her and your family is far too strong to be normal but someway I think… common in your life, is it?

Often, family/group holidays, end up being more trouble than they are worth. You can end up spending more of your time pleasing other people, worrying about others, rather than just relaxing.

Hope you're having a better day today OP

Been thinking about you OP and really hoping that you can enjoy the rest of your holiday - without the family! From the updates you've provided, they sound horrifically toxic and tbh, your sister is welcome to them. You carry on, holding your head up, don't be bullied by any of them. Ask DP for support for next 3 days. Your mother sounds vile and when the time is right, as another PP suggested you look her in the eye and you tell her to never insult you again by claiming to be 'just like your dad'. That, more than anything, made me feel so sad for you. What a bitch she is!

I think you sound very caring and your family are being very unkind to you. Your sisters relationship does sound concerning and your family's over the top response may indicate that they're aware too but prefer to ignore the warning signs and don't want to face it.

I agree completely with this and things others are being very obtuse in not seeing the real story here and focusing on micro-details instead. There is much more going on here than different styles of enjoying oneself on holiday FFS

You made a perfectly normal observation. She could have responded happily and laughed and said yes, she likes the room and alone time. Instead she's crying and shrieked you 'don't know what's going on' so I suspect you have hit the nail on the head. She can't happily joke about wanting private time or liking the shade or being on a massive period, because you've spotted exactly what's going on. She's embarrassed for being with a shit partner that now everyone can see.

Not much you can do, but you weren't unreasonable.

Your family sound horrible OP, I wouldn't be going on holiday with them again

also who said you're evil like your dad, is he not your other siblings dad's as well?

A family who tell you you're "evil like your father" should have been cut out long ago, not holidayed with.

They sound like just the poisonous sorts of people who encourage their children to stay with bullying partners. Your sisters old enough now to sort her own life out. Leave all the nutters to it.

Wow you’ve had a really hard time on here, as well as from your family. I understand why you were worried about your sister and said what you said. I don’t think there was a drip feed either, you’d made it clear that you had worries about her boyfriend being controlling from the start - that was why you spoke to her.
I hope things have calmed down. Stay out of everyone’s way until you leave might be the best plan. Did you reply to any texts? I’d have said, “I don’t know what you think I’ve said to sis, but it was never meant to upset her. These texts you’re sending me are way nastier..”

You and your DP have the patience of saints not to just up and leave. Glad (hope) you're not enabling them to treat to like this by apologising to your childish sister.

"You are evil like your father" is way deeper a comment from your relative to you than just a holiday upset. So, so nasty.

Pulling her sister out of the water and away from other activities 3-5 times a day to fuck while on a family vacation? That is very weird.

You're evil like your father

There is something really disturbing about your Mum saying and this and it's clearly more than just asking a question which upset your sister.

How are things now? Did you apologise to your sister? Have your family calmed down? I hope you've managed to have a lovely time in spite of all this madness!

The only thing that's jumping out at me is your sister's overreaction at your question. It tells me that she is being abused and controlled by her BF. When people are in abusive relationship, they tend to hide and lie about being abused, because they feel ashamed. Though they shouldn't be. Or they are afraid of how their will partner will react. I think she's taking this whole thing 10 miles down the road because she's scared of her BF. It's even possible he has been quietly abusive to her behind closed doors on this vacation. It's also possible that he got mad at her because you asked her that question and told her possibly threatened her into "fixing it" to where you look like the bad guy and he ends up being a saint.

I'm also concerned that you say your family is not bad even though you're being told that you're evil like your father. This is not normal behavior and you don't deserve this type of treatment. You are giving vibes that say. "It's ok I'm used to it". Emotional abuse is never ok.