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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with my sister on holiday..

297 replies

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:05

So I'm fully aware that perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I'd love other peoples thoughts.

We are currently away on holiday - a big family holiday.
My partner and I love to be outside all day, from the moment we've had breakfast, to the moment we have to go inside to get ready for the evening. We've always been like that!

Since being here, my sisters partner (of around 2yrs) has been showing some controlling behaviours. He will pull her aside when we are enjoying time as a family to ask if she wants to go to the shops outside of the resort.. we will be enjoying a swim and he will pull her off to the side to ask if she wants to go back to the room. (Note this happens 3/4/5 times a day..) I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

She's basically gone ballistic at me, saying I'm out of order, cant believe I'd ask if shes okay etc etc.

Fast forward and our whole group has segregated. Me and my DP are alone and the rest of my family all gone off to rally around my sister as she's now crying.

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

I'm now the bad guy, being blanked by my other family members.

I know it sounds very childish. It really is! It's been taken way out of proportion!??

But I just wondered if I'm being the unreasonable one?

Perhaps I am as maybe I shouldn't have raised it. But I didn't expect asking if she's okay and enjoying her holiday, would turn into this!!

OP posts:
WulyJmpr · 19/07/2022 16:24

You're looking out for your sister that's all. He does sound controlling but there's only so much you can do.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:25

I don't understand why she's crying. She said that's her way of relaxing which I said is absolutely fine.

All I did was ask if she's enjoying her holiday - and hope she's okay as I've noticed she's spending a lot of time inside her room.

She said that's her way of relaxing - and that was (what I thought) the end of the conversation.

We left the restaurant- the rest of my family walked past and she ran to them and cried.

I've been shouted at by my mum (I know it sounds very silly) I'm almost 30 years old 🤦🏼‍♀️ and been told I'm 'just like my father' which is always hurtful as he has been a crap dad and left us all when I was just 5 years old. She knows that strikes a nerve with me.

So I'm currently sat with my DP and they've all gone to sit with her.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:26

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

How is you “explaining” how she should be doing the family holiday properly different from telling her what to do on holiday? That seems a bit controlling to me. Who made you the boss of the holiday?

Iwonder08 · 19/07/2022 16:26

So he wants to spend more time with her without the extended family and want to be in the room (sex obviously).. Doesn't sound controlling to me at all. You on the other hand sound patronising. You perhaps some other reasons to believe he is controlling, but it is not obvious from your posts so far

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:27

Fully happy to hold my hands up if the general consensus is that I've been the unreasonable one. But it's certainly not controlling from my point of view; to ask my little sister if she's okay for spending a lot of the time in her bedroom.

They're welcome to do whatever they would like. I merely wanted to ask if all was okay and asked if she was enjoying her holiday.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 19/07/2022 16:27

SleeplessInEngland · 19/07/2022 16:16

If it's as you've described then she's really overreacted. But maybe her side of the story would be different.

Given the whole rest of the family has sided with the sister then I suspect it would be!

LondonWolf · 19/07/2022 16:27

Perhaps she’s ovulating and has asked him to come up with excuses?

Honestly the dramatised explanations people come up with on here 🙄

She's only 21, I'd be looking out for my 21 year old sibling who was in a relationship with someone much older, with changes in behaviour too. The tears and trying to make you the bad guy seem quite suspicious too, perhaps displacing her stress at the expectations being put upon her by her boyfriend, onto you.

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:28

All I did was ask if she's enjoying her holiday - and hope she's okay as I've noticed she's spending a lot of time inside her room

Read your first post again. You “explained” to her that she should be spending more time as a family on the holiday. Can you not see how that’s a pretty big criticism? And not your place anyway?

aSofaNearYou · 19/07/2022 16:28

I wasn't rude, I didn't shout and we didn't argue.. I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

With the above I think there's some elements where YANBU, and some where you are.

I understand your concerns about her partner, but the way you've phrased what you've actually said to her sounds more like you were just putting pressure on her to "make the most of the holiday" - in your view. My family holidays growing up always involved arguments about "making the most", some people wanted to be out doing things every second and some people wanted down time. People differ in this regard and you so seem like you push the idea that your way is "best".

I think it would seem more reasonable if you're phrasing suggested you got the impression she didn't really want to do some of his suggestions and asked if everything was alright.

What is she saying she is offended about in her response? Does it seem like it's about what you've said about the boyfriend, or what you've said about her not making the most of the holiday properly?

dessertsun · 19/07/2022 16:28

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:20

I'm more than happy to - and will apologise to her when I next see her.
I'm concerned by her reaction that I've struck a nerve, too.

Perhaps it's all genuine and innocent and it's just time they want - which is fine! But I've been having this niggling feeling for a while that he's not all sunshine and roses. I've heard the way he's spoken to her several times in the past and have been concerned. He's condescending and is very much the one who calls the shots.

If it were just the holiday situation, I'd say it's completely normal, however if it's a feeling you've had before about other things then you could be right, there might be an unbalance in their relationship

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:29

But it's certainly not controlling from my point of view; to ask my little sister if she's okay for spending a lot of the time in her bedroom

You are missing the point completely. You effectively told her off for not doing the family holiday right.

50mg · 19/07/2022 16:29

If I was away with all the in laws, I might be suggesting a bit of couple time for us too!

They're a relatively new couple on holiday, sex during the day should be on the cards.

You accuse him of being controlling, but the OP is all about what you like to do on holiday. Perhaps DP is supporting DSis by suggesting things he knows she'd like to do, but doesn't feel able to say .

Or maybe there is a problem, but the rest of your family don't seem to see it? If it's as reasonable as you've explained here, why haven't they supported your view?

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:30

The rest of the family have always sided with her throughout the whole time we've been growing up as she's always been very sensitive and very naive - which isn't a bad thing and I'm not saying that to be cruel. She's very easily swept along and I'm privately (not voiced!!!!) concerned about how controlling her partner is.

I've witnessed first hand the things he's said and done in the past to her - from screaming in her face for hanging a Christmas bauble in the wrong place, to kicking over a little light up reindeer she had at Christmas time in the front garden of their first home. She was just excited to decorate for Christmas.

Maybe to others that's normal behaviour but to me it doesn't sit right.

OP posts:
implantsandaDyson · 19/07/2022 16:30

So the last time you all went on holiday together she was 10/11? Are you sure you not treating her like a child? You don't know what's best for her. You don't like her partner, maybe with good reason but you really don't need to be making suggestions about how she can enjoy her holiday your way.

LondonWolf · 19/07/2022 16:31

Dear me, your mum sounds quite nasty too and I would be trying to get some distance from her and all this drama. Are you often scapegoated like this OP?

ShirleyPhallus · 19/07/2022 16:31

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:30

The rest of the family have always sided with her throughout the whole time we've been growing up as she's always been very sensitive and very naive - which isn't a bad thing and I'm not saying that to be cruel. She's very easily swept along and I'm privately (not voiced!!!!) concerned about how controlling her partner is.

I've witnessed first hand the things he's said and done in the past to her - from screaming in her face for hanging a Christmas bauble in the wrong place, to kicking over a little light up reindeer she had at Christmas time in the front garden of their first home. She was just excited to decorate for Christmas.

Maybe to others that's normal behaviour but to me it doesn't sit right.

Quite clearly this wouldn’t be normal behaviour to anyone but this is rather a drip feed from explaining to her how her holiday should be going….

MichelleScarn · 19/07/2022 16:32

When you say 'outside all the time' is that out and about exploring etc or just lying around the pool?
That would do my head in! Why do you think its weird they wanted to go to the shops on their own?

GiltEdges · 19/07/2022 16:34

caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:30

The rest of the family have always sided with her throughout the whole time we've been growing up as she's always been very sensitive and very naive - which isn't a bad thing and I'm not saying that to be cruel. She's very easily swept along and I'm privately (not voiced!!!!) concerned about how controlling her partner is.

I've witnessed first hand the things he's said and done in the past to her - from screaming in her face for hanging a Christmas bauble in the wrong place, to kicking over a little light up reindeer she had at Christmas time in the front garden of their first home. She was just excited to decorate for Christmas.

Maybe to others that's normal behaviour but to me it doesn't sit right.

Ah the classic drip feed when the feedback isn’t going quite the way you imagined…

ClingyClingy · 19/07/2022 16:36

and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday (first as a family for over 10 years!!)

The above part of your post is massively unreasonable. You start the post saying you wanted to make sure she was ok but what you actually did was explain to her how she should be spending her time on her holiday.

So yes, I would apologise

The enormous drip feed about Christmas does suggest he is controlling and there are some red flags and that might be why she's crying. But the way you raised it was rude in my opinion so two issues.

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:36

Him being controlling or not has nothing to do with you calling her out for not behaving as you want on the holiday by explaining how to do better. That seems a little controlling to me…

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:37

Absolutely not trying drip feed more that I don't want to really share more than I have to about our personal lives - but this is why Ive got red flags.

Yes- im very often scapegoated in this way, told very often im just like my father, evil, cruel.. etc etc.

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 19/07/2022 16:38

Oh and FWIW, this…

I raised it with her, nicely.. to say I'm just hoping she's enjoying herself and wondered if she feels she's making the most of her holiday as she's in the room a LOT.

Is completely different to this…

I merely asked why she's in the room so much and explained that we should really be making the most of the holiday

On the basis of you having said the latter, YABU. Leave your sister alone to do things her own way.

PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:39

So this is one of those where you only want people to agree with you and you don’t engage with anyone who doesn’t.

Original poster
caraanna · 19/07/2022 16:39

I didn't mean to come across that we 'holiday better' or anything of the sort - just explaining in my post how we differ. Which is fine!!! I never once said she SHOULD be doing this or should be doing that - I just said as we finished our meal, l'we should all make the most of this holiday together'

We left on lovely terms - chatting out of the restaurant until my family happened to walk past where she then went and got upset.

I'm honestly just trying to look out for my younger sister - and more than happy to apologise if I've been unreasonable! I will absolutely hold my hands up.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/07/2022 16:40

The next thing will be the thread going die to it being too outing or something.

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