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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this holiday plan is just a bit shit for a family with young children?

308 replies

Holidayplanisshit · 18/07/2022 18:08

Background - we’re saving money for a holiday next autumn with twins; not massively expensive (under £2000 for 2 week cruise) but, as a low income family, it will take a bit of discipline to save a regular amount rather than spend on extras for the children. We’ve set an amount to save each month which will pay for the cruise and also give us spending money.

Now for my AIBU…….. DH wants to go away for a holiday this year as well and thinks 10 days to 2 weeks staying with his DF in rural Wales will be “perfect” - for that read free accommodation and he will, no doubt, love spending the evenings in his dad’s garden drinking beers and chatting guy crap!! Meanwhile, the cottage his DF lives in isn’t child friendly - think no proper kitchen or bathroom (he’s been saying for years that he’s going to swap them round or refit both but all he’s done is rip stuff out and cobble working parts together) the stairs are in the middle of the living space and aren’t childproof plus no way to stop toddlers going up or down meaning I’ll have to watch them like hawks. The garden is full of junk and not safe for kids to play in, there’s no boundary fencing and there’s a stream across the Lane which they could easily fall into.

There’s nothing locally for us to do as a family without having to drive miles each way even to a play park! Even the ‘local’ beach is over an hour’s drive away - for context, we live 20 miles from beautiful beaches that people actively seek out to visit for holidays!!

DFiL is lovely but doesn’t really interact with the children when he stays with us and, as an older man, is quite set in his ways so follows quite a rigid routine of wanting his daily paper, having a few drinks in the evening and a couple of smokes in the garden later in the evening. DH readily admits his dad won’t help out with the children and that his home isn’t ideal but he just sees the idea of a free holiday. I see 10 days to 2 weeks of
him having a whale of a time doing nothing as he won’t be at work while I am watching the children, keeping them safe and entertained and making sure they’re fed regularly (not helped by them being fussy eaters so I can’t just give them what my DFiL would usually cook as they won’t eat curries, fish, veg or things).

AIBU for wanting a holiday that gives me as well as DH a chance to kick back & relax; where our kids can play safely, have something to do walking distance away to entertain them a bit either during the day or in the early evening; a pub or restaurant where we can eat sometimes during the holiday so I don’t have to cook every single day. Basically I don’t want my precious holiday time spend being a spare wheel to DH & SFiL having a great catch up while I manage young children in a totally unsuitable environment!!

OP posts:
IGotItInTheSales · 18/07/2022 18:14

Yanbu

Put your foot down now!!! And ask him what he thinks you will do all day with 2 children? What if it rains?

Smoking and drinking indoors? Guess so

Timeforabiscuit · 18/07/2022 18:18

Excellent idea! He can take the kids to his dad's if he thinks it's going to be such a fine thing!

It only works if you provide the legwork of cooking, looking after kids and everything else, so it's not a free holiday at all for you, you'll be the one paying for it.

AllFreeOwls · 18/07/2022 18:25

Sounds like it's a free holiday for him, whilst you do all the donkey work.

Suggest he takes the kids on his own and see what his reaction is.

HandScreen · 18/07/2022 18:27

I think that sounds lovely. I have such fond memories of similar holidays when I was a child.

Orangello · 18/07/2022 18:31

I have such fond memories of similar holidays when I was a child.

But does your mum? Besides, twins are toddlers, very unlikely to remember anything.

OP, as a pp suggested, if DH thinks it will be such a lovely relaxing holiday, he can go and take the kids.

FLOWER1982 · 18/07/2022 18:32

AllFreeOwls · 18/07/2022 18:25

Sounds like it's a free holiday for him, whilst you do all the donkey work.

Suggest he takes the kids on his own and see what his reaction is.

Yes please do this and see what his reaction is.

Shoxfordian · 18/07/2022 18:33

Yanbu at all
Is he usually so selfish?

converseandjeans · 18/07/2022 18:36

Go to youth hostel or camping. Then maybe do couple of days there max.

MerryMarigold · 18/07/2022 18:36

I'm confused. You're saving for holiday in the Autumn. This holiday is a freebie in the summer. If you don't do this holiday, I'm assuming you will not have a holiday at all - so why are you making out it won't be a great holiday. Surely it's better than staying at home. FIL will cook for you at times, even if you have to get stuff for the kids. You just need a few ground rules eg

  • we're going for 10 days not 2 weeks
  • dh will help with the kids and if he's not you will ask him to
  • look up 2-3 fun days out otherwise playing around near a stream sounds like great fun!
  • don't be too anxious. I don't know how old your toddlers are but I work with 2-4 year olds and summer are very independent/ sensible but others are treated like babies and react by being silly as soon as they have freedom. I think if they're past 2.5 there should be fine on stairs etc.
titchy · 18/07/2022 18:37

I agree with you! Though I'm not sure a two week cruise is exactly the best kid friendly holiday either....

TigerRag · 18/07/2022 18:39

MerryMarigold · 18/07/2022 18:36

I'm confused. You're saving for holiday in the Autumn. This holiday is a freebie in the summer. If you don't do this holiday, I'm assuming you will not have a holiday at all - so why are you making out it won't be a great holiday. Surely it's better than staying at home. FIL will cook for you at times, even if you have to get stuff for the kids. You just need a few ground rules eg

  • we're going for 10 days not 2 weeks
  • dh will help with the kids and if he's not you will ask him to
  • look up 2-3 fun days out otherwise playing around near a stream sounds like great fun!
  • don't be too anxious. I don't know how old your toddlers are but I work with 2-4 year olds and summer are very independent/ sensible but others are treated like babies and react by being silly as soon as they have freedom. I think if they're past 2.5 there should be fine on stairs etc.

Given how rural it sounds, what would the OP and twins do? I wouldn't want to go on holiday and just stay indoors all day or have to drive miles to do something.

surreygirl1987 · 18/07/2022 18:41

YANBU... but also, a £2k holiday?! Is this really what people spend? The only holiday I've ever taken that cost anything like that was my honeymoon. And I would consider us to be at least a medium income household (combined income £100k+). Is this what people typically spend on a holiday?

Dazzledrop · 18/07/2022 18:41

It sounds a bit like the cottage is only part of the problem and the bigger issue is that your husband is happy for you to do all of the work as not help out with the kids. How do you know he’ll be any better on a cruise?

Just10moreminutesplease · 18/07/2022 18:45

Why would you be the only one making sure your toddlers are safe and fed? Your DH should be doing 50% of the parenting whilst you have equal time to relax. If he won’t do this then of course you’re not unreasonable not to go.

AgentProvocateur · 18/07/2022 18:46

It sounds more child friendly than a cruise, TBH.

MynameisJune · 18/07/2022 18:47

surreygirl1987 · 18/07/2022 18:41

YANBU... but also, a £2k holiday?! Is this really what people spend? The only holiday I've ever taken that cost anything like that was my honeymoon. And I would consider us to be at least a medium income household (combined income £100k+). Is this what people typically spend on a holiday?

How do you not spend that? I’m wondering how they got it so cheap. We’ve booked a log cabin in Norfolk for later in the summer and it was £1900 for 2 adults and 2 kids self catering.

We've cruised pre kids and it was never that cheap for 2 of us let alone 4.

Outlyingtrout · 18/07/2022 18:47

If you don't do this holiday, I'm assuming you will not have a holiday at all - so why are you making out it won't be a great holiday. Surely it's better than staying at home.

It definitely doesn't sound better than staying at home to me. It sounds stressful, unsafe, impractical and exhausting. I'd much rather take the time off work and do day trips from home. OP says they live near beautiful beaches.

As a compromise I might agree to a weekend or a few days at his dad's if he promises to pull his weight with his children and not leave all the donkey work to you. The minute he starts taking the piss I'd be loading the kids in the car and going home.

excelledyourself · 18/07/2022 18:48

surreygirl1987 · 18/07/2022 18:41

YANBU... but also, a £2k holiday?! Is this really what people spend? The only holiday I've ever taken that cost anything like that was my honeymoon. And I would consider us to be at least a medium income household (combined income £100k+). Is this what people typically spend on a holiday?

For family of 4 to go on a two week cruise? Probably not. I'd say OP has got a right bargain.

Intheflicker · 18/07/2022 18:49

None of the actual low income families i know could even dream of going on a cruise.

RandomMess · 18/07/2022 18:50

Easy he goes to his Dads for a week and then you go away somewhere for a week without the DC.

excelledyourself · 18/07/2022 18:52

And no, OP. I absolutely wouldn't go on the holiday your DP has suggested for this year.

Tell him to go to his dads for a long weekend if he wants, but you won't be going. And then have a week somewhere else for all of you.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/07/2022 18:52

I think that sounds lovely. I have such fond memories of similar holidays when I was a child.

Me too! Outdoor loo and everything - battling the daddy long legs and giant moths if you wanted a wee after dark. My mum wasn't stressed because she grew up with it. As a child I wished we could just go to Majorca like everyone else, but we did foreign holidays too - the rural back-in-time holidays are the ones I treasure.

Not sure about the stairs with toddlers though.

Inertia · 18/07/2022 18:52

Travelling miles to stay in a house full of hazards while one parent does all the work is not a holiday.

This would only be a holiday if DH goes alone and does all the parenting while you get a rest.

You’d be better off having DH take time off work and take the children to the beach/ on local days out. FIL could visit.

TheChosenTwo · 18/07/2022 18:53

I think maybe he’d just like to spend a bit of time with his dad and is trying to include everyone so he doesn’t feel too guilty.
could you just explain what you’ve explained here and encourage him to go and have a few days with him on his own? My dad lives abroad and in order to spend time with him I’ve done that, flown over for a few days as at various times his house hasn’t been suitable for babies/young children.

Krustykrabpizza · 18/07/2022 18:54

surreygirl1987 · 18/07/2022 18:41

YANBU... but also, a £2k holiday?! Is this really what people spend? The only holiday I've ever taken that cost anything like that was my honeymoon. And I would consider us to be at least a medium income household (combined income £100k+). Is this what people typically spend on a holiday?

Yes, because that's how much they cost