To think this holiday plan is just a bit shit for a family with young children?

[Holidayplanisshit]

Background - we’re saving money for a holiday next autumn with twins; not massively expensive (under £2000 for 2 week cruise) but, as a low income family, it will take a bit of discipline to save a regular amount rather than spend on extras for the children. We’ve set an amount to save each month which will pay for the cruise and also give us spending money.

Now for my AIBU…….. DH wants to go away for a holiday this year as well and thinks 10 days to 2 weeks staying with his DF in rural Wales will be “perfect” - for that read free accommodation and he will, no doubt, love spending the evenings in his dad’s garden drinking beers and chatting guy crap!! Meanwhile, the cottage his DF lives in isn’t child friendly - think no proper kitchen or bathroom (he’s been saying for years that he’s going to swap them round or refit both but all he’s done is rip stuff out and cobble working parts together) the stairs are in the middle of the living space and aren’t childproof plus no way to stop toddlers going up or down meaning I’ll have to watch them like hawks. The garden is full of junk and not safe for kids to play in, there’s no boundary fencing and there’s a stream across the Lane which they could easily fall into.

There’s nothing locally for us to do as a family without having to drive miles each way even to a play park! Even the ‘local’ beach is over an hour’s drive away - for context, we live 20 miles from beautiful beaches that people actively seek out to visit for holidays!!

DFiL is lovely but doesn’t really interact with the children when he stays with us and, as an older man, is quite set in his ways so follows quite a rigid routine of wanting his daily paper, having a few drinks in the evening and a couple of smokes in the garden later in the evening. DH readily admits his dad won’t help out with the children and that his home isn’t ideal but he just sees the idea of a free holiday. I see 10 days to 2 weeks of
him having a whale of a time doing nothing as he won’t be at work while I am watching the children, keeping them safe and entertained and making sure they’re fed regularly (not helped by them being fussy eaters so I can’t just give them what my DFiL would usually cook as they won’t eat curries, fish, veg or things).

AIBU for wanting a holiday that gives me as well as DH a chance to kick back & relax; where our kids can play safely, have something to do walking distance away to entertain them a bit either during the day or in the early evening; a pub or restaurant where we can eat sometimes during the holiday so I don’t have to cook every single day. Basically I don’t want my precious holiday time spend being a spare wheel to DH & SFiL having a great catch up while I manage young children in a totally unsuitable environment!!

Can he get his Dad to come to you?

Why won’t he go on his own? Would you be against this?
not trying to be poking a bear here! I just know that some people might be all ‘fine fine, just go,’ and not really mean it.
But it’s nice to keep family bonds going as much as possible and it’s clear he’d like to spend time with his dad. also clear that it wouldn’t really be relaxing or as enjoyable for you so I’d personally just stay home with the little ones and encourage him to go and enjoy some father son time.

OMG @SleepingStandingUp; are you me or have you met my twins? That is exactly it - divide and conquer your parents is a twin’s motto 🤣🤣

£2k wouldn’t touch a decent holiday abroad- just our flights alone to visit family in Panama in October are nearly three times that. If we didn’t have a family home to stay in and a car we can use while we’re there we’d be in for £10k for three weeks easy.

Five days in Crete last month was nearly £4k- flights for four, car, villa- and that was sharing the villa with another family.

Depends if they are up and running post covid.

P&O for example have a very limited to non existent child offer at the moment

Haha, I have 2.5 yo boy ones, identical just to make it worse and bloody gorgeous so no one believes me. T1 toddlers off bare foot left today down the pavement (quiet cul de sac), T2 who is sneakier stood still. So I had to grab T2s hand and chase T1 down the pavement but at the same speed because I had T2. T1 kept looking to check I was chasing him. Elder DSs school can't wait for them to start nursery. Fools

Unfortunately he’s not in a position to learn to drive due to visual impairment meaning he’s never pass the ‘read the number plate on that car 20m away’ section of a driving test.

Could you have maybe 3 or 4 days staying with his dad, DH gets to have man time and save a bit of money, then drive to wherever the local beauty spot is for a week to 10 days in a more family-friendly spot? Basically combine your preferences with an emphasis on yours...

I think you need to stop looking for what might go wrong and instead try to be positive. The only thing you need is for DH to agree to step up and shoulder some of the load or (as the only driver ) you are off !!

You never know.. a Welsh farm? You may even have a lot of fun with the kids.

DH can't drive anymore for the same reasons. He cycles/get the train/sorts himself out 🤷🏽‍♀️

Why would you be the main child carer when you're both on holiday? Why wouldn't it be both of you?

How would loosening up a bit reduce the risks towards the twins from an environment that is not toddler friendly nor easily remedied? I would rather sacrifice going away than deal with that! In fact, if I don’t actually organise going away, it probably won’t happen despite DH saying let’s do it and thinking what a wonderful holiday it will be!

If it’s raining at home we stay in, in a house that is both child friendly and also has all their toys/books/usual distractions at hand. All that research tells me about where DFiL lives is that there is nothing locally (unless you want to walk up a mountain or watch toddlers fall in a stream - believe me I don’t!) for a family to do unless I want at least an hour’s drive somewhere.

If you're a low income family you dont go on a holiday that costs that much.

Theres plenty of self catering places that you can rent for way way less, I try to stick to around no more than 4-500 dependent on time of year for the week and where it is.

But why would it be you taking sole care of the children's safety and well-being? Doesn't your husband do any parenting?

He came to us for 2 weeks at Christmas and was down here for a long weekend at Witsun week as we had the twins christened. He has an open invitation to visit us whenever he wants, he just needs to ask.

Well tell DH to actually invite him for a few days and the rest do staycation trips.

Then don’t go. Problem solved.

@SleepingStandingUp 'Genuinely, I'd love advice on keeping my twin toddlers safe in an environment like that on my own. They're bad enough at going in opposite directions in an open field where I'm worried about scraped knees not drowning. How did you do it?'

OP is not on her own though. She has her husband so it will be 1:1 care for her toddlers.

I just can't understand why he apparently won't be looking after his own children.

I’d happily send him off to his dad’s for them to have ‘bonding time’ - I miss nothing more than having a chat with mine (and we were very close) and certainly wouldn’t stop them having time together.

At the same time, I’d like us to have a family holiday together - since the twins were born we’ve had 1 week, in a chalet 1/2 hour up the road, and a couple of nights in a hotel in a different part of the country to attend a funeral (so not exactly a holiday!). I grew up having 2-3 holidays in the UK as a family a year - we would go to the coast, or camping; 2 weeks in the summer and then either 2 half terms or Easter and October. DF might not make it with us depending on his work schedule but DM would make sure we had a fabulous time - but, we never went anywhere that it wasn’t safe for us to have fun or that she had to worry about the facilities or environment. However, the price of UK based holidays now can be eye watering, even in a caravan or Airbnb so I don’t expect as many holidays now as we were lucky to have back then.

Seems you're just ignoring the many posts pointing out the absolutely obvious fact that it's your lazy selfish husband who is the problem. Fine. You do you. Enjoy.

Did you read her description of the stairs?! You can’t just positively think your way out of stairs that a small child can literally fall between the bannisters!! I’m all for being optimistic but there’s positive thinking and there is negligence. Unless the OP parents in a way that will be utterly miserable and hard work for her, she will be neglecting and endangering her children.

I think this is the mum equivalent of being a ‘cool wife’ - so eager to be all chill that you actually overlook appropriate boundaries and self care. This will not be fun in any way for the OP and she is very sensible to recognise that and stand up for herself!

Personally I would send him on his own for a week and just have nice days out with kids yourself. It's not always fun being somewhere with bugger all around you - and being chief cook and bottle washer too- I would rather not bother, especially if it's not that pleasant or that safe.

It would appear that the OPs DH for whatever reason is prepared to put their children in danger as the OP has stated. That’s a bigger issue than the holiday - which I have changed my stance on as per my PP.

I think with toddlers the age you need to watch up and downstairs a cruise would be just as much a nightmare holiday.
Ds suggested when ours were little a narrowboat* holiday like he'd had as a child. When I'd finished rolling my eyes we found a nice cottage in Kent near the sea. Much better and about 1/4 the price too.

*I'm sure it sounded nice in his head, but as I pointed out, the children would need to be in lifejackets the entire time, which they wouldn't find comfortable. The baby was crawling and would have to be watched like a hawk , so would probably need to be locked in the cabin or in a sling most of the time. None of the children were old enough to either steer alone or operate the locks. So doing any locks would have really needed 3 adults, one to do the locks, one to watch the children (locks are dangerous) and one to steer the boat.

Nope, I know how lazy DH is when it comes
to parenting our DCs but, at home, I have coping mechanisms for it. Why I don’t have is a coping mechanism for a ‘holiday’ in an environment where I have little or no control over hazards in advance when the driving force
for choosing that holiday is the fact it’s ‘free’!