To think this holiday plan is just a bit shit for a family with young children?

[Holidayplanisshit]

Background - we’re saving money for a holiday next autumn with twins; not massively expensive (under £2000 for 2 week cruise) but, as a low income family, it will take a bit of discipline to save a regular amount rather than spend on extras for the children. We’ve set an amount to save each month which will pay for the cruise and also give us spending money.

Now for my AIBU…….. DH wants to go away for a holiday this year as well and thinks 10 days to 2 weeks staying with his DF in rural Wales will be “perfect” - for that read free accommodation and he will, no doubt, love spending the evenings in his dad’s garden drinking beers and chatting guy crap!! Meanwhile, the cottage his DF lives in isn’t child friendly - think no proper kitchen or bathroom (he’s been saying for years that he’s going to swap them round or refit both but all he’s done is rip stuff out and cobble working parts together) the stairs are in the middle of the living space and aren’t childproof plus no way to stop toddlers going up or down meaning I’ll have to watch them like hawks. The garden is full of junk and not safe for kids to play in, there’s no boundary fencing and there’s a stream across the Lane which they could easily fall into.

There’s nothing locally for us to do as a family without having to drive miles each way even to a play park! Even the ‘local’ beach is over an hour’s drive away - for context, we live 20 miles from beautiful beaches that people actively seek out to visit for holidays!!

DFiL is lovely but doesn’t really interact with the children when he stays with us and, as an older man, is quite set in his ways so follows quite a rigid routine of wanting his daily paper, having a few drinks in the evening and a couple of smokes in the garden later in the evening. DH readily admits his dad won’t help out with the children and that his home isn’t ideal but he just sees the idea of a free holiday. I see 10 days to 2 weeks of
him having a whale of a time doing nothing as he won’t be at work while I am watching the children, keeping them safe and entertained and making sure they’re fed regularly (not helped by them being fussy eaters so I can’t just give them what my DFiL would usually cook as they won’t eat curries, fish, veg or things).

AIBU for wanting a holiday that gives me as well as DH a chance to kick back & relax; where our kids can play safely, have something to do walking distance away to entertain them a bit either during the day or in the early evening; a pub or restaurant where we can eat sometimes during the holiday so I don’t have to cook every single day. Basically I don’t want my precious holiday time spend being a spare wheel to DH & SFiL having a great catch up while I manage young children in a totally unsuitable environment!!

He has his moments - mostly out of thoughtlessness; as he sees it, it’s a ‘free’ holiday as no cost for accommodation is involved; and we’re not at home so it must be a holiday. He doesn’t see that it’s no holiday for me and 2 toddlers!!

Twin toddlers in what sounds like a disaster zone is not a job for one person. You'd spend all week just trying to keep them in one place, especially as outdoors isn't safe either. They're twin toddlers, they plan to run in opposite direction deliberately to screw over their parents. It's their modus operandi

Cruises can be incredibly child friendly - they have dedicated venues onboard for kids which are split into age groups, and they provide trained staff in the venues. Restaurants onboard ships are geared to families with tailored mealtimes and children’s menus at all other mealtimes. Ports of call all have family friendly excursions available or you can find a local beach for the day;

Youth hostel holidays were fine for me in my late teens and early 20’s, certainly not a holiday for active toddlers - no more than a non child friendly cottage in rural Wales!!

I’d just explain it’s not a holiday to you just same childcare/cooking in a more stressful environment.
Would he compromise with a shorter trip.

Op I'd keep the peace.
Go for maybe 3/4 nights then go somewhere else for 3/4 nights. I wouldn't stress myself out staying for a full week. But it would be good to see FIL

work with 2-4 year olds and summer are very independent/ sensible

There are no sensible 2-4yr olds.

There are plenty of cheaper holidays around,depends what you want to spend your money on. We've had lovely driving, camping, mobile home and cottage holidays for cheaper. Hotels, flights and all inclusive and cruises are obviously expensive.

Tell him to go by himself. Sounds hideous.

The cruise is autumn next year; if we don’t do this holiday in September this year, we won’t have any holiday until then. Since we’ve had our twins, we’ve had a long weekend break in London between Christmas & New Year the year they were born and, in 2021, a week at a beach place 1/2 hour from home where family members booked accommodation at the same place.

If we go when DH wants to this year the twins will just have turned 3, they have no idea of safe water sense so, while a stream sounds like fun on paper, it has steep sides and no sloped banking - to keep its a drowning hazard not a playground! Added to that, while
one of them will play in the surf with daddy at the beach, the other is terrified of it and gets really upset at the waters edge.

Stairs at home they’re fine on but we have a gate at the bottom so they don’t have access without one of us with them - at DFiL’s place they don’t have appropriately spaced railings (young kids could easily fall between them and end up on the wooden floor below) and, unless I take our stair gate with us, nothing to stop them heading up, or down, them alone.

OP I feel your pain, my 18 month old is an adventurous soul and so many of my friends - even mum friends - don't get how stressful it is looking after him!

Our home is super child friendly (obvs) and he still pulls the furniture into steps so he can climb to unfeasible heights and give me a heart attack while I'm just taking 30 seconds to unpack the dishwasher...

Even in the playground he immediately climbs to the top of the biggest piece of play equipment and tries to launch himself off!

The thought of him at a place like your FILs would be nightmarish. Certainly not doable for longer than a couple of hours. And obvs you have 2 so even harder work keeping them safe.

I think if I were you I'd be suggesting a staycation at your place, some beach trips, maybe put a tent in the garden to try out 'camping' (with bed in easy reach if it goes very pear-shaped). FIL can visit if he wants to, or if your DH is mad keen to see his dad you could give him a pass for 2 nights to do a beery boys trip while you at least are at home with everything you need.

There's no upside for you in his plan and that really sucks. But hopefully you'll have a lovely summer anyway x

P&O Canary Islands late October 2023; family of 4 in a partly obstructed view cabin; 3rd/4th occupants in cabin travel for free so, basically, only paying for 2 adults!!

My DS was incredibly sensible at 3/4. He’s six now and had lost all common sense and ability to control his massive gangly limbs 😁

No chance.
Ask yourself, would you book a holiday cottage with an unfenced river? No kitchen or functioning bathroom? It sounds like a risk assessors nightmare.
Buy a tent and take them camping or go on a cheap caravan holiday?

He wouldn’t go on his own - he doesn’t drive and would spend too much time travelling to make it worthwhile!

I would stay home with the children as, they’re a real handful, and no way would I manage a holiday with them on my own. In fact, managing them at home on my own can be an ordeal!

Would he be-able to go for a few days on his own to his fathers? I certainly wouldn’t visit there with toddlers as it sounds a nightmare.

Then stay at home for the rest of your “holiday” and do day trips etc.

Sorry x posted.

Just be honest and tell him you aren’t going. If he can’t drive that’s his issue he needs to learn.

DFiL is late 70’s. My parents died before the twins were born so, any travelling to my family is siblings - and, as we live in a holiday destination county, the only sibling willing to travel comes to us during school holidays that aren’t taken up with foreign trips or other activities for their DCs who are much older than our two.

He can - if you like curry, spicy food or takeaway pizza; or a sandwich - not really the type of food our two eat (or don’t as they had a dreadful repertoire for what they will actually eat!)

When you’re working full time and a parent to young kids, ten days downtime in rural Wales drinking and chilling and having Dad cook your dinner sounds blissful.

But add the young kids and hazards to the mix and it sounds stressful.

Your husband hasn’t thought it through. Either that, or he doesn’t particularly give a damn.

Maybe go for 4 days but make it clear that you’re not the hired help.

Just say "no way" he either goes by himself or not at all his choice.

A staycation would be a much nicer holiday for you and the DC.

I would suggest that he goes on his own with the twins (as clearly it is so..... easy!) Oh and the cruise will be fab, people on here generally have no idea how much fun a cruise is with kids.

I’ve said to him that I don’t see it as much of a holiday for me or the twins, and he admits a lot will fall on me plus his DF won’t want to alter his routine for visitors (he doesn’t have many to be fair); it really comes down to him viewing it as a free holiday rather than us spending money to go away and all have a break!! He won’t go on his own - and certainly wouldn’t take the twins away without me (they’d never settle without me) because I’m the main child carer out of the 2 of us!

If you loosen up a bit you could have a great break away, maybe only go for a week. If you went into your husband and FIL and said ‘i need a hand with the children/dinner/setting the table” will they not help? If it’s raining at home what do you do? Do some research before you go and have a plan for rainy days. A holiday is what you make it. Go with the attitude that it’s going to be a nightmare, it will be.

“chatting guy crap”

or you know, catching up & bonding with his dad…