My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

Some families ingratiate "step" family into their family. My husband's family are like this, and my family found it very strange. They take in children who are not biologically related and treat them completely the same as biologically related children. My husband's family thinks my family are weird, and vice versa.

I agree with husband's family. It's really decent to welcome people that way.

But you can't make a family who aren't like that see step children as their own. It won't happen. To think a word will cause people to see people as family is just naive and strange. It doesn't work that way.

He needs to accept your family are that way. They are the ones missing out to be honest, just like my family, but nothing can be done about it.

OP you haven't answered several of us who want to know if DSC extended family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins ) who are not related to you or your DC treat your DC as part of their family.

In my family step children have been treated as part of the family. But I will say for this particular situation.... Growing up, my siblings were always asked on holidays with different family members. I have 2 siblings. My brother would go off with one family, my sister with another family, I'd head off with a different family, one cousin would come for a sleepover but their siblings wouldn't.... Why should there be an obligation to take all the children? Is there space? Can the family afford it? I never felt like I was being left out or anything.

No they don't because that would be weird.

My DC has only met DSCs mum a handful of times and has never met her family, why would he?

Yes @billy1966, that's exactly what I think. Did you imagine I'd change my mind, just because most PP disagree? I think it can be damaging to be so exclusionary, as if the step child is somehow 'lesser'.

After 6 years, I'd find it extraordinary for the stepchild not to be treated as one of the family. I'm a step, as is my beloved daughter. Maybe most PP have little experience of the genuine love that can happens between steps.

Of course they have every right to do that, doesn't make them any less awful.

They're not awful. You really don't get that you are talking about perfectly lovely people when slinging these insults out.

They are not sitting around with their GC and the SC, lavishing their GC with love and shooting dirty looks at the SC like they are poor relations. They are just people whose children have got together with someone with kids, who they may occasionally see. They're perfectly nice to them, they just don't know them all that well. They will be following their child and their spouses lead on how to interact with them, they won't feel they have any natural authority. There's no malice involved, most of the people you are talking about are kind people.

As others have pointed out, when your child gets married their spouse doesn't become your child. Generally there is a relationship there but it is not the same relationship that is had with their own child. Their SIL/DILs family doesn't become their own - my parents are only really acquaintances with my DPs parents, for example. It's the same with the kids.

There are so many deeply unpleasant people on here (who don't seem to be able to see that it's actually them being unpleasant) calling people all kinds of names for having relationships that are actually really normal. How many of you consider your PIL to be your parents? If not, then you need to see that relationships by marriage are simply not doing the same as normal family relationships. Sometimes there will be occasions where a step parent has essentially adopted their SC, and then things will be different, but barring that, it is completely normal for the relationship between SPs family and SC to be an "in law" type relationship.

Honestly, the people who get together with a partner who has kids and then jump up and down about everyone treating them exactly the same as a biological child, trying desperately to paper over and ignore the sensitivities and complexities of a step family - they just come across as staggeringly insecure about their relationship and being part of a step family. Embrace it and it can be a blessing. Insist there is literally no difference between biological children and step children and you’re setting everyone up for disaster. It’s like those people can’t handle any reminder that their step child has their own mother and extended family, ie that their partner was once with the child’s mother. Trying to deny and minimise the importance of those day one biological bonds by insisting your own extended family is exactly the same, is very inappropriate and enormously overstepping.

If I understand correctly, you’re saying that if you broke up with someone after having kids together and your ex went off and had another child with their new partner, you would see yourself as rightfully involved in that child’s life and try and take them out and about and on holiday with you?! Because if that’s what you’re saying that’s one of the creepiest and weirdest things I’ve read on here!

To not consider them family is being awful.

It doesn't matter if they're not actively mean to them, they're not treating them the same, children pick up on that.

Thankfully I don't know anyone irl who does this, step children are treated and included as family. They're children ffs.

I'm a step, as is my beloved daughter.

So if your daughter's dad had a child with someone else. You'd expect your family to treat them like their own?

What if his new wife found that odd and didn't want them to?

What a silly equivalence, that child wouldn't be part of that posters family.

Your SDC are part of yours, or at least they bloody should be

@KettrickenSmiled confirmed above that she does apparently in fact think exactly that. That’s why this poster is talking about that circumstance, she has been told this is what people should do 🤦‍♀️

What a silly equivalence, that child wouldn't be part of that posters family.

Agreed.

To not consider them family is being awful.

No it isn't, not if you don't see that much of them and they are not integrated into your relationship with your child and GC.

It doesn't matter if they're not actively mean to them, they're not treating them the same, children pick up on that.

I can honestly say that my DSS does not pick up on and feel upset by being treated differently to my DD by my parents, because he barely knows them, it would never occur to him that they should be treated the same, he doesn't see THEM as family. He has his own maternal family he's close to and doesn't struggle with any of that.

Thankfully I don't know anyone irl who does this, step children are treated and included as family. They're children ffs

I don't know anyone who irl who does things your way. I can think of one, but most don't. I honestly think people who expect this are used to it being the RPs children, where the children are generally all together. It's not at all the same when they're not.

It doesn't matter if they're not actively mean to them, they're not treating them the same, children pick up on that. yes of course they pick up on that but they are also not stupid and are perfectly capable of realising their relationship is a different one. If my parents started treating my SDC the same as my DC they would be utterly baffled.

" I could not exclude one child like this, purely for reasons of blood.
You say DSS does stuff with his own extended family - I'd say the same goes for them - each child has a half-sibling now, & each child should be included by both sets of extended family."

@KettrickenSmiled

The above statement is what I queried.

I asked are you actually saying that the OP should be handing over her child to her husbands Ex wife's family? because she has a step child?

That is so bizarre.
Why would she want her child included in the family of her husbands Ex wife?

I have never heard of this ever happening and would find it very weird that anyone would want that.

Many people barely know their husbands ex wife, not to mind their family.
How exactly does one insist when the Ex wife is doing things with her family, that she take her ex husbands new child, with his new wife?

I have genuinely never heard of this and would wonder at it even bein suggested.

I find it really difficult when people criticise our family set up and the dynamic. It works really well for us and no one is feeling like a 2nd best or anything like that. I think maybe the actual reality and nuances of the situation are difficult to convey in message form.

Hell would freeze before I allowed my child anywhere near the ex

Your husband is right. It's really horrible for anyone to treat siblings differently from each other. If one child is been taken away on fancy holidays and the other child isn't, how do you think that makes the other child feel? That can easily build resentment between the two children. If your parents aren't willing to pay for the other child, then you could offer to pay, otherwise you could say that you don't want one going without the other. Ultimately if you let that behaviour happen, then you're condoning it, and yes, that does make you not a very nice step-mother.

I'm asking for clarification because it seems very much that this is what that poster is saying if you bother to read their posts.

And yet most people on here agree that it's fine for siblings to be treated differently if it's DSCs maternal family doing it.

If DSC got to go on holiday with his maternal family and my child didn't that would be fine because siblings being treated the same only goes one way. Only ever when it's in favour of DSC on here in seems.

For what it's worth DSS would look at us like we'd grown a second head if we said he was going on holiday with my sister who he's met around 3 /4 times in his life.

My DD has been on loads of holidays without DSS with my family. He doesn't think anything of it, some of the time he doesn't even know. He's been on holiday several times with his mum's family, too. None of this is confusing or upsetting to any of them.

But what about when the step child goes on holiday with their mum or her relatives? Their step sibling will ‘miss out’ then and that’s ok? Or does absolute equality only work one way?

People shouldn’t get into step families if they’re not emotionally mature enough to navigate the fact that the children involved will not always have exactly the same stuff/experiences at exactly the same time. And that’s ok. Because many aspects of their lives, including their mother’s extended families, will be different. You can pretend you’re a typical nuclear family until the cows come home - that won’t make it true.

They really aren't.

I'll ask you which relationship(s) should OP's stepson sacrifice in order to become a part of her family of origin. That of his paternal family? That of his immediate family (dad, stepmum, little sibling)? Should he have to attend the events of his stepmum's family over those of his own maternal family as he now has to be treated exactly the same as his little brother?

The chances of this child wanting to go on holiday with his stepmum's sister and none of his own family is slim to none. The chances of his mum thinking this is acceptable even less.

You can pretend you’re a typical nuclear family until the cows come home - that won’t make it true. 100% agree. It's damaging to pretend otherwise.