My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

Well if that's how it works then your husband's ex should also buy presents for your shared DC!

Have you ever considered the children don't want to be treated as part of their stepparent's family?

I was a stepchild, I was forced to be a part of my stepdad's family and the guilt I felt as a young child was unreal. I hated it. I hated have to call his parents nan and grandad, I hated them all calling him my dad when I had my own. As soon as I was old enough I stepped right away. It wasn't that they weren't nice people, they were and there were occasions I really enjoyed playing with the 'cousins' (there were a lot of them) but they also weren't my grandparents, aunts, uncles. I had my own who I loved dearly.

My stepmum's family on the other hand, did not force me to call them anything but their names. They were kind, her dad was great fun and really used to make me laugh. They were lovely and I genuinely enjoyed my visits with them as there were no expectations but I also didn't care if my younger (half) brothers were taken to visit them alone and I got to do something with my dad.

I'm also now a stepmum, with older children to whom my husband is a stepdad. Our circumstances mean the kids are all involved with both sides of the family but to varying degrees, entirely dependent on what the children are most comfortable with.

@Tetetete you said you don't push to him that they are family.

They should be his family, that's the point here.

@RocketsMagnificent7 there is a difference between feeling like and being treated like family, and being forced to call people things.

Token gifts, not considering the child family, is all extremely cold and something I am glad I've never experienced or heard of IRL, seems to be a very MN thing

I don't think your family are being unreasonable at all.
With regards step children in general, I guess it depends if they have a relationship with their own grandparents, extended family or not.
Maybe it'd be different if they didn't have their own extended family.

It must depend a bit on the living arrangements. If a DSC lives 100% with his dad and has minimal contact with his mum, then that child should be fully included in the dad-family unit because he has no other family. I would hope the step-mum and her family would fully take the child on board.

But if a DSC lives 80% with mum and only 20% with dad, then the dad-family is not his only option. Then a friendly-but-not OTT relationship with the stepmum's family would be fine.

Have you ever considered the children don't want to be treated as part of their stepparent's family? exactly! They aren't stupid.

Nope.

He wants a free holiday for his son because he can’t afford one. That’s what’s kicked this off. He’s being unreasonable and you’re right.

That's what we do, it works well. They all have their individual relationships with my family.

I agree with you OP. If it was 'my sister bought her DCs and my DC but not DSC an ice cream when we were all at the park' then that's a dick move, but I don't think any adult would do that, if you're there with family kids and then there's a random friend of one of the kids or something you just include them in the ice creams too. But taking your relative on holiday is lovely, you wouldn't take a step relative you probably don't have much of a relationship with

I think yes, DSC should be treated the same in terms of presents and invites to family events as they are family by marriage same as your Dh.

But I wouldn’t expect them to be taken on holiday unless they are close to your niece/nephew of the same age. Tbf, no one has ever taken my dc on holiday with them. I think that’s quite a big ask and providing holidays is really down to parents. It’s not just free babysitting.

But in terms of everything else, yes, they should be generally treated the same:

Yup. He's a right CF

No it isn't. Not at all

So he thinks his eldest should have three sets of families-his, his mums & yours?

What 3 sets does he think his youngest should have?

I agree with a pp that it is perhaps dependent on where he lives/how often he is at yours when your relatives visit.

Does your sister's eldest know/like him?

Would they be interested in having him there as company?

Why is it?

The child has his own family. Forcing him to be part of another is not good for the children. I know, I was that child, and I much preferred my stepmum's family as I wasn't expected to treat them as my own, so I didn't feel the guilt or expectation.

I never felt unwelcome just because my brothers got to do things I didn't with my stepmum's parents. I did feel massively uncomfortable and guilty when I was forced to be 'fully embraced' by my stepdad's family, especially as my older siblings (both teenagers) didn't have to see them at all and it made me feel completely separate from them.

In this instance the stepson isn't bothered, and will likely be left feeling massively uncomfortable if he's suddenly sent ok holiday with people he doesn't really know all that well just because "family".

Is DSC resident with you?

I suspect this is the major factor in how involved families are with step children. If they are there for pretty much every visit, eat Christmas dinner together etc then they are naturally more part of the family.
If they come every other weekend then it's much harder

Does DSC's Mum's family take your child on holiday and spend equal amounts for child's birthday and Xmas? Because that is what your dp is asking of your relatives. Fine if DSC's Mum's family are doing that then I can understand your dp has a point, however if they don't then your family are being kind to your DSC and acknowledging their birthdays and Xmas so that is fine. My mil treats my DC as full dgs's but DH and I have no children together and since we have been together she has taken my 2 son's for a week every summer so DH and I can have a Romantic break since my youngest DS was 7. He is now 25 and all his biological grand parents died before he was born or shortly after so he very much treats my mil and late fil as his Nan and Grandad. As an adult he travels 150 miles to visit mil 3 or 4 times a year either on his own or with his brother. He sends her flowers through the post and both my son's have never forgotten pil kindness to them as children. They are very close. Pil had 3 biological dgc and my 2 they adopted and all have been treated equally. It might have been different if my DC had other dgparents, but sadly they did not. I will always be very grateful to my mil and late fil for accepting my DC as GC. I know my DC have brought in-laws a lot of happiness over the years and now my mil is 80 she has 2 extra GC to visit her and send her flowers which she very much appreciated. I know mil has left them equal inheritance in her will too.

Why? He has a family. There is no 'should be'. What if he, the child in question, doesn't want that? What if he's perfectly happy with how things are?

To know some adults who are your family, or so you're often told, don't really give a shit about you?
Don't feed children lies about who they are and are not related to and they won't then be hurt when it turns out not to be true?
I am quite rightly not known as DSDs mum. She has a mum. Why, then, would we be telling her that my parents are her grandparents and my brother her uncle? She's not stupid, she knows who her mum is and her mum's parents and brothers are.
We actually had a fab day with my family today, DSD and my brother in particular get on famously and they are always happy to see each other when paths cross. Why can't that be enough?
She has no less than 6 bio uncles of her own, she's not upset in the slightest that my brother has a different relationship with his own nephew, who he sees quite often. Why would she be?
My DH was made to pretend that his mum's new partners family were his new grandparents and aunties etc. He hated it because it wasn't true and he felt disloyal to his actual family. Then MIL and partner broke up and his "new family" disappeared, when his actual family have always been there, pricing he was right all along. He thankfully doesn't want that for his DD and is is just happy she is accepted as part of the family and everyone gets on well - no need make a drama out of it.

Why do some posters, yourself included seem to think 'being family' = 'being made to call people mum, dad, grandma etc.'

A step child should be family and should be treated as such, that doesn't mean calling their step mother mum. Ffs

In my family, the DSC would be treated the same as the other child. Children don't ask to be products for divorce and new relationships, all they want is to feel loved, and I know my parents, grandparents , siblings would welcome a DSC and make them feel like a fully fledged member of the family. More the merrier

You can’t “make” anyone do anything. There’s no “should” about it and expecting an imaginary level of care based on his imagination is ridiculous. Your family will resent you for it too. If you take, you would have to give too. Offer babysitting or more visits to the parents. Is he ready for that?

If my sister married a man who had a child would I think of that child as my nephew and take him on holiday? Probably not if I am honest.

and would that child think of me as his aunt - probably not.

I know a lot of blended families and I can’t think of any where the step child is considered in the same way as the nephews and beloved or grandchildren. This may be because the children were older when their parents married

I would buy Christmas and birthday gifts, I would try to get to know him. I take my niece and nephew on holidays, I have savings funds for when they go to university and I know lots of their friends.

if I was taking them to the cinema I would include a step sibling - but I wouldn’t take that child on holiday.

Why do some posters, yourself included seem to think 'being family' = 'being made to call people mum, dad, grandma etc.
It's to illustrate the point. Not mum. Not gran. Not uncle. So no expectation of having a mum/gran/uncle relationship.
A step child should be family and should be treated as such, that doesn't mean calling their step mother mum. Ffs
My stepchild is treated as part of the family but she's not treated as my child because she is not my child. There will be no sleepovers at my mum's or trips out just her and my brother. She's included in whatevers happening when she's around and gets token gifts at Christmas as she's part of the family but apparently some people find this cold and terrible.