My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

There’s nothing to indicate that OP’s family have been anything other than kind and pleasant to her stepchild.

Not feeling the same connection as they do with the child of their own daughter or sister does make them cruel or disgusting, just honest.

I dote on my sister’s little girl- we’re very close, and my niece is like a bonus DC.

I don’t feel the same way about my husband’s nephews- they’re lovely kids, but we don’t have the same relationship. I’m not comfortable giving them a sneaky bit of cake or scolding them when they’ve been bold because I don’t have that strong bond with their parents.

DH has said he feels the same but in reverse- he has a connection with his nephews that he doesn’t have with my niece. And that’s fine, there’s no point forcing something that isn’t there.

They probably think the children are pleasant enough and are kind to them, but that’s all they should be expected to be: kind to them on the occasions they see them. The children of their daughter’s partner are not their grandchildren they’re obliged to build a separate relationship with.

I have a good relationship with my brother, but him choosing to be in a relationship with a woman that has a child does not make me that child’s aunt, or our parents his grandparents.

As a parent to two children who have two step families I can tell you it sucks to be treated like the poor relation. It's massively impacted on my daughters esteem and self worth . The have both had to watch their half siblings be treated like Demi gods while they are on the side line. Had I known what it would be like I'm not sure I'd have remarried.

You don't have to be 'grandparents' to treat both children in a similar way .

I'm certainly not going to spoil my gc and buy the sgc token gifts and chuck a tenner at him on his birthday . You dont have to be related to be close to a child that lives with your daughter half the week. Doesn't sound like they make any effort at all

To know some adults who are your family, or so you're often told, don't really give a shit about you?

That would be your fault then, for telling them they are their family, when they really arent'.

You chose to take on step children, you don't then get to insist everyone else in your life treats them as your children. They are not your children.

And to be honest ( as someone who has been the step-child), its fucking weird when people keep telling you that people are suddenly your family when they are not. My step mothers mother is not and never has been my grandmother, for example, no matter who says she is. I had the full complement of grandmothers, thank you, I don't need someone elses!

Be nice to the kids, don't be dicks. But that's all you need to do.

Except if you are married they are their grandchild.. or at least that's how it should be

Except if you are married they are their grandchild.. or at least that's how it should be
Says you. People/families/relationships are different. Some people like to pretend, others like to be realistic. Plenty of step children in this thread prefer reality, who are you to say they are wrong to be perfectly happy without pretending their parents in laws are now their grandparents?

Beyond being kind to him when they see him, they don’t need to make any effort.

That works for you? Cool. It’s not going to work for everyone though, and that’s fine too. I don’t know why the assumption is that stepchildren are going to expect the same relationship with their stepmother/father’s extended family as biological children either, or would even want it. The relationships are going to be very different in the vast majority of cases, no matter how many people try to pretend otherwise.

^ this! My DH is still in therapy due to how his SM and her family treated him in childhood compared to her bio children. One of the main things we discussed when planning to introduce me to my DSD was that we would do things totally differently. And we do. I think it’s maybe different if you meet your stepkids when they are much older, but generally I believe all children of the family should be treated 100% equally so as to avoid resentment and feeling left out etc.

I disagree, I think it is. If it was evident to your family how much you loved him and adored him. I think that relationship would have naturally progressed into something more loving from them.

Yes he's right

We were told by SIL that her stepson was now family and we should treat him the same as her children. They broke up two years later and we never said goodbye or saw or heard if him again. Real family doesn't do that. I'm not emotionally investing in any more stepchildren apart from being nice and token gifts.

We are step-kids. Step mum was great to us. Her sister didn't treat us like a nieces and nephews. We were welcome everywhere though.

I have step kids. Some of my siblings treat them at Christmas some don't. You can't dictate what people do.

Your DH is being an idiot.

I was the step DC as my DF remarried and had more DC.

I was always welcomed by DStepM's family, but I called them by their names. I already had two grandmothers and two grandfathers. They got me a little present at Christmas and my DM packed me off with a little gift for them in return.

We had a lovely relationship which lasted long after my dad died. But of course I was never their grandchild and I never expected to be treated as such.

I agree. I don't think even in this scenario anyone would be obliged to make up for any missing family. Surely it's up to them?

What do you expect them to do? Be at our house 50% of the week?

Yes because of the time DSS spends with his mum a lot of the time he isn't here when my family comes round or we to to them. We do need to fact in DHs family too when he's here you know!

Your husband is a cheeky sod

YANBU I've never understood mumsnets stance on this. I have a very fractured family tbh. I am very close to my now-ex-stepmum still, I barely know her family though, they aren't my relatives, they're my brothers. I don't know anyone bar one family who treat the stepgrandchildren as actual grandchildren but they don't have other family.

I would do what your family do. I think your OH expectations are unrealistic.

If you think it's relevant no I don't "love and adore him".

He's a good kid and we get on well. I don't have a parental relationship with him, I'm very friendly and kind to him, we laugh and have inside jokes etc.. we get on really well. But no I don't fall over myself in love and adoration of him as if he were my own child. That's not the style of relationship we have.

Me too. I have a step dad and I've literally NEVER met his auntie or his dad. I've met his mum twice but there's no way I'd ever think of her as family. She's my step dads mum.

I love my step dad though, he's lovely. I don't think of him as a dad, I don't even call him step dad outside of MN and only do it here for ease. But we have our own unique relationship, he's just his name to me and that's fine.

I agree with Anne

I can completely understand where your husband is coming from. Why wouldn't your family want to treat them the same and make the child feel included and welcome? I will never understand dynamics like this. It seems unnatural, cold and very cruel to me.

I think you've answered your own question, you just don't understand it!

Well it would be even weirder of they'd only met the child twice in 6 years. You'd think after that time they'd have some feelings for the kid who lives with their dd and gc half the time but I guess some families aren't really close

Families can be close without having seen much of someone that lives there half the time. Not all close families see each other every single week. Assuming hypothetically that the 50:50 contact is week on/week off, it wouldn't be at all strange to factor in a visit to SPs family during the off week, and DHs parents (who probably want to see all the kids) on the on week. More than that and you'd be seeing a LOT of your family - seeing them every couple of weeks isn't an indication that your aren't close.