My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

Why wouldn't your family want to treat them the same and make the child feel included and welcome?
I could just as easily ask "Why wouldn't your family want to have the special relationship with your son that your step child's actual grandparents no doubt enjoy with them, guilt trip free?"
You can be included and welcome without making a hash of pretending it's the exact same family relationship, because it isn't. It can be something lovely without pretence if it is allowed to be.

This is one of the more dramatic and ridiculous comments in amongst many.

This child has his own family, including a mum who probably won't take too kindly to him being sent on holiday with virtual strangers.

What is so disgusting about the OP's sister wanting to take her nephew with whom she has an established relationship on holiday?

What about the fact the stepson himself may actually prefer to stay home and have uninterrupted time with his dad?

This is where step families fall apart. The expectations are unrealistic. Instant love, treating as your own and demanding your whole family do the same. The children in question very rarely want that and all the extra emotional baggage it brings. They want kindness, to be included when they're around and time with their dad and his family to maintain their established bonds.

If things develop naturally with their stepmum's family great but for that to happen it means less time alone with dad, less time spent with their paternal family, less time spent building the family unit (dad, stepmum, stepchild, new siblings). It's impossible to have it all unless the children are there 100% of the time and if the stepchild has to come first then ask yourself which 'family' relationships they'd prefer to sacrifice?

Well it would be even weirder of they'd only met the child twice in 6 years. You'd think after that time they'd have some feelings for the kid who lives with their dd and gc half the time but I guess some families aren't really close

Or the dad wants to ensure his child's relationships with his family are preserved and nurtured, as well as their relationship. They may have the child 50:50 but that often still only equates to EOW as the rest of the time is during the week, when visits likely can't take place due to life.

So dad has his older child EOW and he has his own family to see, time to spend 1:1 with his son, time for them to spend as a family. When exactly do they see the stepmum's family often enough for a naturally close relationship to develop? Which other relationship(s) do they sacrifice to enable this?

And how do you think the child would feel about suddenly being expected to build relationships with his stepmums family at the cost of those he already has with his own?

He's nuts. Massive difference in hosting a toddler with your own toddler age offspring on a holiday and trying to amuse, include, and care for an 11 year old.

Does DSC wider family in their mum's side treat your DC equally? I know we don't do things based on what others do but in this instance, if the DSC mum's family treat your DC as one of theirs perhaps it seems off that yours don't. Conversely if DSC's mum's wider family don't treat your DC the same as DSC then all is equal. In any case, you can't force your wider family to do anything

And how do you think the child would feel about suddenly being expected to build relationships with his stepmums family at the cost of those he already has with his own?

Well put. In any sort of 50/50 or EOW arrangement, there’s leisure/weekend time when a child is there and time when they’re not. So of course it makes sense generally to arrange to do things with dad’s lot when the child is there and the stepmother’s family when he isn’t. Not in a “never the twain shall meet” sort of way - just more of a “you’re here to spend time with your dad, not go to your dad’s wife’s sister’s house” approach.

I couldn’t agree more. As a step child myself I chose to stay with my Step mother rather than my father when they separated. My OH is step father to my eldest two and we have shared all costs including school fees etc - on MN it’s all - your kids you pay for them. All family treat my older two and mine and OHs DS the same. I just don’t get this notion of separation- it seems really inhumane to me.

I just don’t get this notion of separation- it seems really inhumane to me.

I don't get the notion of not understanding that people have different families and SC have varying levels of interaction with their SPs wider family based on their circumstances. It seems really narrow minded to me.

So much drama on this thread Op because it's your DSC. Lots of other things to consider_ would your dsc want to go away with your sister, some DC aren't that confident and wouldn't be happy with it. Would his DM let him go? Does he know and get on with your older Nephew because it's your Nephews holiday too and he might not want someone else foisted on him all week if they don't get on.
It's kind of your Sister to invite her Nephew but you can't make her invite your DSC, it's not reasonable for your DH to expect you to take her to task. Surely he should be happy to have his DC to himself for a few days,?

Same.

It’s sad OP. Love for children should be in abundance, not something to be rationed or restricted on the basis of the child’s genetics.

How many children that you know a little but don't see that much do you love abundantly?

Nobody is deliberately withholding and rationing their love for children they see in the same way they see their GC out of spite. The love (or lack of) they have for them comes as a natural result of the time and relationship they have with them.

How is it the same? The shared DC don't have a relationship with their fathers ex partner?

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

But they ARE doing something wrong.
When you married your husband, he & his DC became family.
Your sister offering to take one child, but not the other, is beyond unpleasant. Especially as she has 2 children of matched ages to DC & DSS.

I could not exclude one child like this, purely for reasons of blood.
You say DSS does stuff with his own extended family - I'd say the same goes for them - each child has a half-sibling now, & each child should be included by both sets of extended family.

This.

I think he is completely unreasonable and a CF.

Your family seem extremely decent to your step son.

Glad to read you would ditch him rather than your family.

I would tell him to wind his neck in criticising your family or you will be going on holiday too with your sister and leaving him to his son....which isn't a bad idea actually.

You say DSS does stuff with his own extended family - I'd say the same goes for them - each child has a half-sibling now, & each child should be included by both sets of extended family

You think my husband's exes family should treat my child like their grandchild? how utterly bizarre.

@KettrickenSmiled, are you actually writing that the OP's husband's EX-WIFE's family have an obligation to include the OP's toddler in their plans?

Ah you can't be serious?

The OP's sister isn't under any obligation just because they are a similar age.

Her child has every right at 11 to choose a friend and not his aunts step child.

Some may choose to include but it isn't an obligation or the least bit unkind.

This is a perfect opportunity for her husband to spend great one on one time with his son and is what he should be doing, rather than trying to impose on his wife's sister.

All this harboured bad feeling and presumptuousness regarding your family would give me the Ick for him.

You can't make people feel things they don't feel or fulfil roles they didn't choose!
The OPs family absolutely have a right to a relationship with her child and not have to treat a child unrelated to them as if they were exactly the same.
The only thing they are obliged to do is to be kind and welcoming when in the presence of OPs step child.
If OP was raising the step child 100% and there was no mum or maternal family, then you'd hope her family would be more involved, but as things stand the dh is being ridiculous.
I agree with pp that this is a good opportunity for him to give his oldest child some one to one time and attention.

Of course they have every right to do that, doesn't make them any less awful.

I have every right to stab any of my neighbours kids balls that come over the fence, I don't though, as that's a dick move.

People here are totally weird about step families.

When your parents get divorced and remarry, you don't lose your original families, nor do you gain another two sets of relatives.

You gain two step-parents, who, if you are lucky, will be loving figures in your life.

I have a step father I adore. He has been in my life since I was 5. I sometimes refer to his daughter as my 'sister' and his niece as my 'cousin'.

But it is entirely obvious that they have a different relationship with his actual children than they do with me, and he has a different relationship with his actual grandchildren than he does with my children.

It's completely normal, and in no way a negative reflection on anyone. I do not, and never have, suffered from this difference.

My half siblings have never even met my family from the other parent's side (so my mother's other children have never met my father's family, and my father's other children have never met my mother's family. Why would they?

It's not a dick move to not see your sister's step child as your nephew. Especially if you don't see him all the time and you know he has his own aunts/uncles.

My brother was once dating a woman with children. They broke up and I never saw them again. But by MN logic I'm supposed to have felt about them the exact same way as I do my other brother's children, who will be part of my family forever and who I have been involved with since their births?

My step grandchildren are family and included in all family events and have the same treats on their birthdays.

Your dss is part of your immediate family, so I think your husband is right. Your dss is your ds’s brother, technically half brother but a brother nonetheless.

I know someone who’s mothers partner’s family treated him differently from his half siblings. They had the same mum, different dads. Sure, biologically they were not his grandparents but biologically he is their biological grandkids brother. And that should mean something. It made him feel pushed out, excluded within his own family and home every time his step dad’s family visited.

I really don’t see anything good or healthy or ok about that.

There needs to be more love in this world.

I remember when I was young, I moved far away from my family. I couldn’t always afford to travel home for Christmas. Despite that I never spent Christmas alone. I had people in my life who treated me like family and included me in their family Christmas celebrations. I wasn’t related to them in any way. It was just love. And it made a huge difference to me.

More love in the world, that’s what we need.

You can’t make your family bond with your dss but you can advocate for him.

Out of curiosity, does your family view your husband as part of the family by virtue of him being married to you? If yes, couldn’t they view your dss as part of the family by virtue of him being blood related to their grandchild/your ds?

People don't live their son/daughter in law like they love their own child. They view them as part of the extended family but it isn't exactly the same. And most of us would want our parents to live us more than they love our spouse.
Are step children not the same?