My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

Yes he is being ridiculous and precious. Its good that they make an effort with your step son, but batshit if he thinks his your dss will be treated as your child by your wider family.

Step-grandchildren get treated exactly the same as bio-grandchildren in my family. Even if the marriage were to break up, the step-grandchildren would still be considered grandchildren. Tbh, you wouldn't even need to be married into the family for your children to be welcomed as official grandchildren!

It would be upset about it too, because it's just not normal to me.

YANBU to not want to bring it up, but I don't agree they're not doing anything wrong.

I definitely don't understand this cold detachment many on here advocate for with Step children. Thankfully it's not something I've experienced or heard of irl, I don't think I'd ever stay with someone (if DH and I split of course) and their family treated my children as anything other than immediate family. Token gifts, not asking after thief is just bloody nasty

Surely dsc has a life when they are with their dm and her family?

Does steps child's mum and family buy lots of gifts/holidays for your shared DC? Because it's the exact same situation

Seems there are differing view on MN for this question.

I see it like this. I have 2 DC by two different fathers, they are born 13 years apart. Would I expect either of the dads to be overly involved with the other child (or their family) - no.

Also as a mother, I wouldn't want my child to go away with people who are more or less strangers to me.

He is being ridiculous. Your family sound like they are nice to your DSC but in no way is it realistic to expect them to have the same feelings for him or her as they do for their own flesh and blood.

Presumably the DSC has their own family who will be doing things for him so I would tell him he is completely out of order and you will not be discussing it with your family.

No doubt members of the 'all step mothers are evil club' will be along to tell you how mean you and your family are. Please ignore.

Ah I see they have already arrived

No he is being a CF. You can't force a relationship. If he'd said something like, I think DSC would benefit from seeing your family more then fair enough but he needs to accept the relationship is different.

Dh's parents consider themselves bonus grandparents to my son and treat him like they do their full grand kids. They have been in his life since he was 3-4. It does seem a bit mean to exclude the step grandchild especially when there will be a similarly aged child there. He is only a child.

I understand there are lots of families that are super involved and may treat DSC just like DC but does that really mean it's wrong to do it a different way?

DSS has never seemed bothered. He has his own grandparents / aunties and uncles.

I think if any of my children partnered up with a single parent to young children, and subsequently had a baby together, I would try to treat all children equally. particularly around birthdays and Christmas..I would hope my kids would feel the same about each other and their prospective partners’ existing offspring.

My DSC would feel very uncomfortable if I or my family started treating them the same as DC. They are treated well as part of the family but there's no use pretending they are closer than they are.

If the mother has your kid for sleepovers with her relatives and showers them in gifts-fair enough. Otherwise, he’s talking absolute shite.

He's being an idiot imo. He needs to understand that the DSC will get presents / treats / family time from their mums side, and grandparents / aunts / uncles etc of their mums side. Just as your DC will get through your side.

You made the decision to get with a man with children, and you took them on as part of your family and had a further DC. Your parents / siblings didn't make that choice, and tbh I think they're being nice by acknowledging birthdays and Christmas with token gifts / cash.

I was a step child, from age 3. Never had a gift or card from my step mums parents, not would I expect them. They're nice when I've met them (infrequently) but that's it. That's all they should be - I'm not their grandchild 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your sister is being lovely offering to take your DC away, no need to involve DSC. That's getting a bit ridiculous!

I have 3 cousins that aren't related to me by blood.

2 of these aren't even related through marriage - still very much part of our family all the same. Their mother is considered my aunt even though she never married my bio uncle. She did have her own bio child with my bio uncle though when they were together.

Even the 1 who was married into the family, was considered my cousin many many years before the marriage.

But on Mumsnet, I've seen this type of welcoming set-up doesn't seem to be the norm. People make massive distinctions between "my family" and "your family".

I understand that people are divided on this issue. I believe that relatives should have the relationship they wish to have without having to make things "fair". This obviously doesn't mean being unkind( that's clearly not an issue here), but in no way does it mean reluctantly having to include step relative in holidays etc.
Your partner should realise that forcing the issue doesn't mean the relationship will strengthen. If it happens naturally, the more the better, but pushing it will be awful for everyone involved.

Well yes, as a child's feelings are involved.

Do you honestly not understand how upsetting this would be as a child?

To know some adults who are your family, or so you're often told, don't really give a shit about you?

I'm sure you stepson's mum will be thrilled with her son going on holiday with virtual strangers. His relationship with his dad and the paternal family is the one that matters. As long as your family are kind when they see him, they're not required to do any more. Would it be nice? Possibly, but you also have to again wonder how he and his mum would feel about him going away with your family, without you or his dad.

Your husband is being ridiculous. Does he get upset about your child missing out when his son does something with his maternal family?

Were you and he going then obviously your stepson should be invited but your family are within their rights to want to take their nephew away for a little holiday.

I was a step child, from age 3. Never had a gift or card from my step mums parents, not would I expect them. They're nice when I've met them (infrequently) but that's it. That's all they should be - I'm not their grandchild 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hmmm. In my family, you'd have been considered a grandchild. It's very interesting how different families are.

You've just replied to my post which stated the child involved is fine with the set up.

We don't push that they are DSS's family to him. He just calls them 'tetete's mum/sister/dad' or whoever it is, he has never been encouraged to call them auntie or grandma or anything like that.

@Tetetete that's even bloody worse!

Christ, some cold people on here at times

Definitely amazing how different all families are!

I just wanted to put that in, because all of the posters who will no doubt be saying "but think of the poor DC being damaged by this" and tbh it was absolutely fine. We knew we had grandparents (mums parents and dads) so we understood that they weren't grandparents! Maybe not aged 3 😂 but definitely as we grew up, it was totally normal for us.

You made the decision to get with a man with children, and you took them on as part of your family and had a further DC. Your parents / siblings didn't make that choice

This is how I've always seen it. I'd feel like a total dick insisting or making a big deal to my family that they should be doing X Y and Z.

What's worse? That we didn't encourage DSS to call them grandma and grandad?

Why on earth would anyone encourage that? Surely that is something that either happens naturally or doesn't? Not something you force.