My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

People shouldn’t get into step families if they’re not emotionally mature enough to navigate the fact that the children involved will not always have exactly the same stuff/experiences at exactly the same time. And that’s ok. Because many aspects of their lives, including their mother’s extended families, will be different. You can pretend you’re a typical nuclear family until the cows come home - that won’t make it true.

100%

So the OP's parents should pay for her husbands child to have a holiday with them?

A relationship that they have no choice in?

The OP's parents are under no obligation to pay for a holiday for the OP's husband, much less his child.

I read threads like these and wonder why anyone would bother with someone with children from an earlier relationship.

I feel sorry for the families of people who get involved with people with children already, such are the sudden expectations foisted on them.

I don't think many women would have the expectations that the OP's husband has.

If he was a decent parent he would embrace this time as a lovely opportunity to spend time with his child rather than thinking his SIL has an obligation to take his child by another woman on holiday with her family.

I wonder would he have the same expectations from a BIL?

If you can go at all, take off for the week.

*What a silly equivalence, that child wouldn't be part of that posters family.

Your SDC are part of yours, or at least they bloody should be*

They are part of the OP's family, along with her husband and their child. Where has OP said otherwise?

As you seem so determined for this child to be fully included in his stepmum's family, I'll ask you, which other relationship(s) should he sacrifice for this to happen? Because it will take some time, it's not something that can occur instantly and to make the time needed time with someone else is going to be lost.

I didnt vote because there isnt an answer to this. They are not treated the same because your parents dont see them as the same. It is all very sad when families split up and there are these very complicated situations.

After 'losing' thee children, because of splits who I'd attached to as I would a GC, I wouldn't treat a SC as a blood related child, ever again. In one case the Mother has got with another partner and has emigrated. The others I see photos of and when I see stuff in shops that I would have been picking up for them, it hurts. If my DD was to gain a SC, I'd get the matching PJ's etc, but I wouldn't invest the same as I do my GC. It's hurtful for any children involved, especially if you've done holidays etc together. My GC used to game with one of the SC and has struggled to understand why they've been blocked. The split was acrimonious. Children need the investment of key adults, first and secondary carers. People only have so much to give. Very unfair that one child could end up with six+ grandparents and the bio child with only two, which have to be shared. I say that as someone who loves children and if I take a few out for the day etc, they all get treated the same.

What if the child doesn't want to go? What about whether his mum would be okay with her child being taken on holiday by virtual strangers?

You're being absolutely ridiculous. Each child has two sets of extended family, one of which they share, one of which they are entitled to do things and be a part of independently of one another.

I mean, by your logic, the stepchild's mum or her family can never take the stepchild anywhere as that's not fair on OP's child. Right?

Well if that's how it works then your husband's ex should also buy presents for your shared DC!
Comments like this make no sense it really isn't the same! The step child is part of OPs family and presumably spends some time living with them. The shared DC has no relationship with the ex wife, won't spend any time with them or live with them.

That should have said that the split wasn't acrimonious.

Comments like this make no sense it really isn't the same! The step child is part of OPs family and presumably spends some time living with them. The shared DC has no relationship with the ex wife, won't spend any time with them or live with them.

The time they spend living with OP doesn’t automatically include her family. OP has confirmed they have met her sister 3/4 times. They are acquaintances.

And this is very common.

It's really horrible for anyone to treat siblings differently from each other. If one child is been taken away on fancy holidays and the other child isn't, how do you think that makes the other child feel?

But they are half siblings. And half siblings often (usually?) have different experiences. The stepson here will probably go on holiday with his mum, with no thought to how the OP’s son (the child’s half sibling) will feel about it. And fair enough. He may do something with his mum’s family - and why not? They are his family and they are not the family of OP’s son. So why is it such a big deal for OP’s son to go away with his auntie? I’m sure DSS will understand that his half brother has relatives not shared by him - as he himself will have other relatives who don’t know his half brother.

The “when you marry you become family” thing isn’t really true for a lot of people. Or they pay lip service to it at most. I was hugely close to my aunt; spent loads of time with her as a child and an adult. So when I got married, she was very welcoming to my DH. But she was most perturbed when her little grandson (who was very taken with DH) said to someone else about me, “You know Wimpole. She’s the one who comes with DH.” Apparently she corrected him immediately - “No, DGS. DH comes with Wimpole.” And that’s the reality for most people. My DH is welcomed into the family as an extension of me - if we were to split up, he’d no longer be thought of as such. So it’s often the same with step kids. Absolutely it behoves people to be pleasant and
kind and welcoming. Yes - it’s nice to remember them at Christmas and treat them as part of the wider family;
no child wants to be present in a situation where they feel “lesser”. But DSS presumably understands perfectly that his Mum’s family is “his” and not his half brother’s - so equally he will get that his stepmother’s family is not “his” and without any harm or upset being caused to anyone.

@KettrickenSmiled

By your logic, I have over 20 siblings, roughly half of which I have never met (my step siblings' half siblings from the other side).

Actually there may be some more, as one of my half sibling's mother was married 7 times, and I lost track of the mother of another one.

Thank goodness my family doesn't subscribe to your philosophy, life would be very complicated! On the plus side, I might have inherited a fortune if all those grandparents had felt an obligation to include me in their wills...

I don’t think it’s fair to judge OPs parents when we don’t know their side of this. Maybe they can’t afford to be as generous with SGC, maybe their age makes it difficult to take 2 GC on holiday. All families are different and deal with this issue in different ways so we can’t apply our own standards in judgement.

My kids have a SGF whom they are fond of - they also have half siblings and they know they don’t get the same monetary value gifts or same amount of attention but they’ve never given two hoots about it. They thought it was great that they got an extra tenner at Christmas. Blended families adapt in many different ways

Straw Man argument @CatherinedeBourgh - as you clearly were not cohabiting with 20 'siblings', whereas OP's DSS lives with her & has been part of her nuclear family set-up for 6 years.

Your family needn't subscribe to my "philiosophy", because you've totally invented it. Where have I suggested that adults & children who have never met should be treated as full family?

DSS only lives with his dad 50% of the time.

If he lived with him 100% and he didn’t have a loving mum and her parents then it would be different.

It is interesting how people view others through marriage.

I commented on another thread how my friend was appalled to see how her SIL was treated when her BIL had an affair and the marriage broke up some years ago.

Suddenly her inlaws completely abandoned them and within months welcomed in the new partner.

So awful, but really shocking for my friend.
She couldn't believe that they would do this to a woman who had been in their family for 15 years.

She pulled back massively from the family, absolutely no longer prepared to invest big effort in a relationship with people who would behave like that.

Effectively they lost two lovely DIL's and close contact with their grandchildren with it, as he hasn't had a second family.
They very infrequently see their GP's as their father really isn't hugely involved.

So shortsighted of a woman with three sons, all of whom suit themselves, including my friends husband!

Tbh, considering how the level of melodrama, venom, rigid thinking and frankly, delusion, the apparently non-awful contingent have been displaying all over the thread, I can’t say it’s being sold as a particularly attractive proposition.

hard pass.

The issue is that if DSS is treated like family by OP's parents then the child has three sets of grandparents compared to her own DC having just two (assuming that all GPs are alive and well). How is that fair?

DSS might get to go on holidays with his own family as well as OP's relatives. Is there an expectation that OP's child go on holiday with DSS's aunts? No.

It sounds like your family have been warm to your stepchildren and included them to a reasonable degree. I don't believe that they need to do anything more.

I also find it confusing when stepchildren inherit from their step family as they then inherit from three 'parents' instead of two. It isn't OP's fault that her DSS's parents split up and she shouldn't have to skew everything to benefit DSS to make up for it at her DC's expense.

My SS doesn't even see my family and it's 95% his choice. If my mum comes over, he stays upstairs and won't even say hello or goodbye to her even though she is polite if she does ever see him. His mum has a bigger issue about it than he does though.

My mum would never offer to take my SS on holiday, or even have him for the day, because she's seen first hand how hard it is to manage his behaviour and it's not fair to put that on her. I wouldn't expect her to even if they did speak and get along. She wouldn't feel comfortable telling him off like she does with my two and he would rather wet himself than ask her where the toilet is.

Treating all kids the same is lovely in theory, but it doesn't work for every child or family and that's just fine but it's not a popular opinion.

Stepfamilies are always a testy subject and incite a lot of debate!

I don’t think he’s being ridiculous. It can hurt a lot when you think one child is being treated better than others. My ex’s family made a good effort with my eldest son, not the kind of relationship where any of them slept the night etc but they always asked after him, made effort to chat to him when visited and gave him gifts or money same as their biological grandchildren.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to take the oldest son away too given the big age gap. You could mention it to your family, say your DH is feeling a bit upset about it, see what they say. They could make more effort by the sounds of it

Does your step child live with you?

@Tetetete If DSC got to go on holiday with his maternal family and my child didn't that would be fine because siblings being treated the same only goes one way. Only ever when it's in favour of DSC on here in seems.

Does your DS live at DSS’s maternal family 50% of the time? No! Then it isn’t comparable at all.

Sure, your DSS doesn’t know your family very well (his brother’s maternal family). After 6 years that is a bit weird. Your husband is equally a resident parent as his ex. Your DSS is part of your family.

While at this stage going away on holiday with your family might not be a great idea as he doesn’t know them very well; a compromise where your DSS gets to know his brother’s maternal extended family would be good.

I don’t think it unreasonable to take your husband’s feelings into consideration and included his son more. It doesn’t require you or your family to have the same feelings towards him as you have for your son. It just requires viewing him a member of your family because he is.

it’s not particularly weird at all. I’ve seen my brother’s stepchild a couple of times in a few years, and my parents about the same 🤷🏻‍♀️ Well, maybe it’s weird for you, but it’s perfectly normal for a lot of other people.

The proposed compromise is only reasonable if OP‘s family are willing to provide that type of relationship, which they may not want to do. He’s the child of their daughter’s husband, that’s it. He’s got his own grandparents and maternal family. Beyond being kind to him when they see him (which they are!) they have no need to do anything else, and the husband is being unreasonable to expect them to. His annoyance is something he has to deal with, no one else is obliged to accommodate him.

@whumpthereitis The proposed compromise is only reasonable if OP‘s family are willing to provide that type of relationship, which they may not want to do.

Ok, well this is obviously fair enough. You can’t dictate relationships. I’m not trying to. It’s just that he really is part of the family. He is the Op’s DS’s brother even if it it is only through the dad. It really does mean something. He also doesn’t stay on every other weekend. He stays/lives with the Op and her husband for 50% of the time that he lives with his Mum. That means something too.

I just think that out of consideration for her husband and her DSS it would not be too much to advocate for DSS to be acknowledged as a significant and important member of her immediate family by her parents and siblings.

If friends (who are no relation) can be close and loved then I can’t see why a step child can’t be also.

The point is if it's all to do with 'siblings can't possibly be treated differently how unfair' as some PPs have suggested then how does that work with DSCs mother's side?

The fact is half siblings will often be treated differently in some circumstances because they have different parents, in this case different mothers. I don't disagree that it's not entirely comparable because DSCs mother doesn't live with DC which is why it's reasonable that my family treat DSC with kindness when they see him, get him gifts for Christmas ect... Whereas DSCs mother's family obviously don't do any of that for our DC.

However, DSC will also be treated to different things than my DC by virtue of the fact he has a different mother, he will also go on holidays my child doesn't, he will also receive different gifts, different experiences, it's not possible for half siblings to receive the exact same things all of the time (certain circumstances aside) because they have different family and relationships. I don't think that aspect of it is so hugely different as to not at all be comparable. If it really is about the fact that siblings shouldn't possibly receive different things to each other then why is it only unfair one way but not in reverse? My child is still DSS's sibling even when he's at his mum's so how does this siblings shouldn't get anything the other doesn't work? If my step son would be oh so terribly scarred that my sister who he barely knows is taking DC on holiday, why would my child not also be upset that DSS is going on holiday with his mum's family for example?

And he can be an important member of my immediate family without being their grandchild/nephew.