My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

But not many GP’s would leave anything to ex-step GC in their wills? Might be uncomfortable but they are not related if their son is no longer married to ex. This is what happens when everyone pretends everyone is the same to everyone. It’s not true.

How is it? Step-child's mum won't have anything to do with her Ex's new children.

Totally different,

And OP - I think your family's attitude is wrong

A more important decider is surely whether unrelated adults want to fulfil that roles/those roles or not.

I get he has his 'other' family.

But I still couldn't treat him differently when he is with my family (GP here)

My father left his step-grandchildren the same as his actual DGC when he died.

Okay, and? That doesn’t mean that people who choose to do differently are wrong.

Jesus Christ. No. Her family make an effort they just don't put the stepchild at the forefront. They're kind, they buy him gifts. He has a mother and a maternal family, trust me he doesn't want another. He'd probably be extremely uncomfortable if they started treating him like he was their own. And his mum would quite rightly have something to say about it too.

*How is it? Step-child's mum won't have anything to do with her Ex's new children.

Totally different,*

And my family has hardly anything to do with my DP's older child. So actually it's not that different.

In my husband's family his mum is totally brilliant with her step granddaughters but his dad terrible. We did see it coming though as my husbands dad doesn't refer to my husbands siblings (half sisters) unless forced to. My own family has always taken steps and adopted children into the family on equal terms. To be frank, if a family doesn't then I wouldn't want to be part of it. Family is a lot more than presumed genetics. Unless you're pretty shallow.

A very good example of why pretending your entire extended family feel exactly the same about your step child as their biological grandchildren, and trying to force an artificial relationship, is a very risky approach. I wonder how many of these grandparents are going along with the pretence of an exactly equal relationship in order to appease the demands of their adult children and ensure access to biological grandchildren continues. We’ve already had posters on this thread saying they would cut off their parents if they didn’t treat step children exactly the same in every way as their grandchildren, so it’s not much of a stretch. And this is exactly the kind of thing that’s a risk if it all comes tumbling down. You would have to be staggeringly naive to think grandparents will divide their estate equally with their offsprings ex step child, in 99% of cases this would never happen. By living in la la land and trying to push everyone else into the same pretence of a step family being no different to a nuclear family, you open up far, far more chances of long term hurt and confusion for the children involved.

To be frank, if a family doesn't then I wouldn't want to be part of it. Family is a lot more than presumed genetics. Unless you're pretty shallow.

Or you just don't have that relationship with them, but whatever judgmental statement suits you better.

Nah this wouldn't wash with my DSC either. They've lost grandparents early on and my parents aren't replacements, substitutes etc. The loss of their grandparents is important enough to them to be part of their life story and I'm pretty sure they'd feel insulted if my parents tried to "replace" their grandparent.

Totally agree, our family is the same. Everyone accepted from anywhere 🤣

Nearly all our families are blended ones, several generations as well, and there's no difference between the grandkids and the step GC.

I actually think it's pretty shallow to assume that meaningful family relationships can just be manufactured to suit according to who is married to who at any given time.

Absolutely this. Anyone who can apparently form such a meaningful bond instantly because of who their relative gets together with can break it just as quickly (see earlier posts about the grandparents disinheriting ex step grandchildren).

Family means different things to different people and this thread shows that what works for one situation won’t work for another. But what will absolutely NEVER work is dictating to extended family that they should magic up a closer relationship overnight with your step child because you’ve decided that’s what you want. If it’s going to happen it will be because it’s natural, not because you’ve been told LOVE THIS CHILD! NOW!

🙄

My family are not family to my DSC. It's not like we operate just like a nuclear family and they've spent lots of time with him since he was born etc and he's always around when we meet up (like DD), and they meanly choose to not be bothered about him, like everyone on here seems to assume.

They are just people who have met a handful of times. Because of him being a SC, they met him years after his birth and have seen him once or twice since. He's not normally there when we see each other.

This assumption that all families with SC interact with the SPs family in exactly the same way as they do with their own grandchildren and the GP are just choosing to reject the SC due to biology/genetics is just bizarre. It's not like that for many families, especially when the SC is non resident.

Does your DH’s own family and his ex’s family not provide this role? Perhaps what he is actually upset about is his own parents and siblings not stepping up.

I think that's disgusting behaviour from your family... I wouldn't be with someone who's family treated my child different to ours. Says alot about adults characters who can't think how the poor step child would feel in that situation. Yuck.

These threads are bonkers. People have different family set ups. By the sound of this one, DSS spends 50% of his time
with his own mother and, presumably, with her family. He spends time with his dad to see his dad - not to spend time with his dad’s wife’s sister and her children.

So you have them 50 50 yet all they do is chuck a tenner in a card on birthdays and don't really see them

What do they do, wait for the dsc to leave or something before coming round and spoiling your dc

Maybe the ‘poor stepchild’ would be utterly confused at having to act in a bizarre pantomime where everyone around them is pretending a blended family is in no way different to a nuclear one.

’I know you’ve already got grandparents you’ve built relationships with kid, but I’m with this guy now and you’re a grandchild of his parents too. They’ve met you twice, but they absolutely love you exactly the same!’

This^
My ex's dd loved her siblings as just that her siblings. She was 8 when I had my daughter. She was an only child before that.

My mum spent the same amount of money on her. But nobody else in the family bought her anything. If she had planned to take out if dad was unexpectedly staying with us she would offer to take her as well. She would rather go anyway and be with her sister.

When my son came along she was slightly older at 11. So more interested going out with friends than spending time with us.

Says alot about adults characters who can't think how the poor
Plenty of step children on this thread alone have said they didn't like/would have disliked/felt uncomfortable with false family relationships being forced upon them, rather than natural relationships just developing the way they developed.

Well it would be even weirder of they'd only met the child twice in 6 years. You'd think after that time they'd have some feelings for the kid who lives with their dd and gc half the time but I guess some families aren't really close