My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

@Tetetete

So what's the situation now with your husband? Has he seen your viewpoint, or is he still angry? 🌹

Sure it means ‘something’, but said ‘something’ it vaguely defined, and invariably has different meanings dependent on who is interpreting it. The ‘something’ that he means to them is kindness when they see him, and it doesn’t need to be any more than that.

I doubt said ‘advocating’ would have the desired impact you’re imagining. If my brother started telling me I had to consider his stepson my nephew and act accordingly I’d be quick to disabuse him of the notion. Again, the husband’s feelings are his to deal with, he can’t expect to be accommodated on this. His son is not their daughter’s child, he is not their grandchild.

If people love their stepchildren/ their child’s/sibling’s stepchild? Fine. If they don’t but are kind when their paths cross? Also fine. Friends are freely chosen and relationships willingly pursued, which is quite different to being emotionally blackmailed or coerced into having a close relationship with someone because someone else thinks you should.

@Tetetete Is your husband (as suggested by pp) trying to blackmail or coerce you and your family into being more involved in his son’s life?

Because that is not what comes across in your Op. He’s your husband, you know him better then anyone here.

Maybe you should be having this conversation with your husband where you both actually listen to one another.

And really how hard would it be to say to your husband that you understand his feelings and you’ll talk to your family about being more involved but you can’t promise anything.

Why does it have to become some stupid debate on Mumsnet about the status of step children.

And really how hard would it be to say to your husband that you understand his feelings and you’ll talk to your family about being more involved but you can’t promise anything.

Because I don't wish to bring this up with my family at all. I don't want to make them feel guilty which bringing it up would do, for something I don't believe they are doing wrong.

Quite right.

Agree.

I think your family sound both welcoming and kind.

Your husband sounds like one of those presumptuous men that thinks childcare is so easy for women🙄.

Taking another child on holiday is work.
It certainly is not something done lightly.
Why should your sister be imposed upon by your husband for his child, while she is on holiday?

Has he ever offered to take HER children out anywhere or done anything kind for her?

Or is it just that she is a woman and of course taking his child on holiday should just happen because it suits him?

OP, I hope this episode has been and eye opener for.

If you do a lot of the parenting you might want to pull back a bit.

I think if he doesn't make the time with HIS son special doing one on one stuff......you'll have your answer......he's a lazy arse avoidant parent wanting a break provided by your sister.

You should definitely use this time as free time for you to catch up with friends and leave him to it.

@Tetetete While I agree that expecting DSS being invited to stay on holiday with your family considering that they don’t know him very well to be inappropriate, I do think that this part of your OP is a bit sad and I get why it bothers your husband after all these years:

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc...

It comes across as a form of segregation and a mere tolerance. A bit like he is viewed as an inconsequential add on to your life with your husband.

So what if he’s not a blood relation. Do they not have people they get to know well who are also not related? Do they show an interest in these non related people?

He’s a person too. Why can’t they make an effort to get to know him? It’s not about gifts or token gifts or holidays. Just show an interest and get to know him because he is part of your family. It’s about being inclusive.

@ImustLearn2Cook All that is very subjective, though. For all you know they are already making an effort more than they are actually bothered to do. Just because he doesn't think it's enough doesn't mean they aren't already doing it.

@aSofaNearYouOf course I am being subjective, I can only go by what the Op has written. None of us are there to make an objective observation. I can also offer an opinion based on the limited information posted by the Op along with my own perspectives, life experiences and values.

And yes, I have given my personal opinion. The Op can take it or leave it based on her own assessment, perspective, experience and values.

But what have you based that on, the fact that she says they don't go out of their way to see or speak about him? I'm a step parent and I don't do either of those things myself. That's quite a specific thing to take as "segregation". The fact that they are nice to him and buy him gifts is already making an effort.

They’re treating him like a person though? They’re not ignoring his existence, they treat him kindly when they see him.

They ‘could’ do more than that, but they clearly don’t want to and that’s fine.

The main reason it invariably turns into a big debate is because of the complete failure of one ‘side’ to recognize that different things work for different families, and there’s no one prescribed way to manage blending.

Personally I can see both sides as i treated my step nieces and nephews same as my nephew however other family members didnt. It used to bug the step dad but not the mum of the step kids as they got things from their bio dad side which my bio nephew didnt and just token as you do. it would be nice if they took SD if they have one their age more just to give you both a nice break. Nothing wrong with asking but your OH needs to be careful about rocking the boat before they say neither goes.

Nothing wrong with asking but your OH needs to be careful about rocking the boat before they say neither goes.

Well that's what's wrong with asking, isn't it. They may think it's CFuckery and resent the implication that this is something they should be doing. I would never ask my family members to do this!

‘Just asking’ isn’t an inherently benign act, either in regards to what is being asked, or in how a request is received. ‘Just asking’ can rock an otherwise steady boat, and result in bad feeling.

OP knows her family best, and she doesn’t want to ‘just ask’. Nor should she have to.

This is what I agree with.

OP's sister has asked for her nephew to come with them, very kind in my view.

She might well think the OP is a CF to ask and simply not extend another invitation because of it.

It comes back to my question, would the OP's husband have the same expectation of a man or is it childcare for women.

Minding someone else's toddler is a very generous offer.

I think the OP shouldn't say a word.
She has every right to hope that her and her sisters children will be close, and holidaying together is a lovely part of that.

Tetetete please please suggest this to your husband! Would love to know his response to that ridiculous request 😆

Both children have two sets of extended family, yet he wants his old DC to have a third family as well? That’s not very equal.