My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

I treaty sgc the same as my gc , same money spent on them etc. Sgc stayed over quite regularly from around the age of 6

OP, do you have a distant relationship with your step-child?

To each their own, but I’m a SM to a seven year old (met when she was almost three, married her Dad when she was four) and if my parents and brother treated my DSC any differently to their bio grandkids then none of us would have a relationship with them. Family is family, you choose your family based on how people behave, blood and DNA is irrelevant.

I don't think your family are wrong. I'd also not be comfortable with my DS going away with your sister if I was the mum of DSC. Surely it would be weird for him to go away with people he's only met a few times?

I do think there is a difference if the partner is the RP.

My sister married a man who had main custody for his dd. My sister had 2 kids, but from the time they moved in together as a blended family, we treated them all the same with regards to gifts, holidays, time spent together etc.

Not sure it would have been the same if the kid was only staying with them every other weekend/didn't see them much etc.

But from a sibling point, I love my siblings kids way more than my husbands siblings kids. That might sound a bit harsh like. But I can see the difference here.

Bet this makes DSC feel like shit.

I was 9 when my Mum met my Stepdad and was always treated the same as my brother and sister (their bio children) within the family.

Yeah it made my dc feel a bit shit but they'd never have said anything to them so they never knew

It’s not the same at all. The OPs stepson is part of the OPs family, he spends time living at the OPs house. The OPs child presumably doesn’t go and stay at her husbands ex’s home. Not even slightly the same.

I think it’s a bit much expecting your sister to take your stepson as she doesn’t know them that well. However in my family steps are treated the same as bio kids, so they would go because there wouldn’t be a difference in relationship. I didn’t even know that a couple of my cousins were step-cousins until about 11/12 as they were treated the same (and were a part of the family before I was born or was very young, so I wasn’t there when they were introduced). Different families have different ways.

Does steps child's mum and family buy lots of gifts/holidays for your shared DC Because it's the exact same situation

I tend to agree with the OP, that family need to draw their own boundaries. But what is written here simply isn't true: if a family is joined by someone with existing children, they minimally need to accept they exist and welcome them to family events if family events occur on the days they are with their parent. The ex and his/her family have sod all to do with a 'new' child, nothing at all to do with them. I can't imagine you can't see that.

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Does SS not have maternal grandparents who spoil him. Unless they’ve died each child has 2 sets of grandparents who may or may not spoil them

My dad remarried and had another child when me and my brother were younger. Although I met "step mums" (never saw her as that) family I knew they weren't MY family but they were my half sisters. They always made me feel welcome if we visited and were kind (wouldn't have given my sister an ice lolly but not me for example) but it would have been really weird if her grandparents and aunts and uncles started treating me like I was a relative. I still see my half siblings family around and we're always pleasant but we've never had a relationship as such and neither should we have, plus I would have felt selfish imposing on my sisters family like that, she's entitled to enjoy her own family without me. My sister and I are really close but I think we both like that we have individual family too.

Your DH should not have any expectations of your relatives regarding getting holidays or other ''favours'' for his child. Does he ever expect/offer to take your relatives' children away on holiday with him at some future point?

does your dh get involved with your sisters child?

It didn't make me feel like shit. I didn't think my half siblings grandparents should buy me gifts or take my on holidays. It just seemed perfectly logical that I had my own separate grandparents and they had theirs.

I would have thought it was really weird if they invited my on holiday without my dad!

no they shouldnthavr t take him away aswell-im sure even your dsc get that

I'm assuming your SDCs don't live with you. As a PP said, I doubt their DM wants them to go on holiday with strangers to her.
No-one has a right to be invited on holiday. Our family always took cousins, nieces, etc on holiday but we didn't take all of them. Your DH's expectation that your relatives have to offer to take both DC even if they were full siblings rather than step siblings, is odd to me.
As for your family treating the DC differently. There are three families involved - your birth family; the family you have with your DH; your step-DCs family with their DM. No-one can prescribe how those dynamics work out. But I bet he isn't complaining to his ex that she should take your DC on holiday with her because after all they're step-siblings and need to be treated the same. I worry that he's trying to push a wedge between you and your family. I'd be quite firm that you're not micromanaging their relationship with your step-DC in a way that appeases him and that equally you accept your step-DC will have opportunities with their family that don't extend to your DC.

DSS lives here 50:50. Yes he has grandparents on his mum's side.

if my parents and brother treated my DSC any differently to their bio grandkids then none of us would have a relationship with them.

No I have absolutely zero intention of ceasing a relationship with my family because of this, what an insanely over the top thing to do. Quite honestly I'd end my marriage before my relationship with my family over this.

OP, do you have a distant relationship with your step-child?

No but the thread isn't about my relationship with him.

No it's not she made a choice to be in a relationship with someone who already had a dsc. He was here before they're shared child. Her family should have made the effort.

I'm sure she would look at it differently if her DH was stepdad to her DC.

yanbu in the slightest

Her relatives didn't have any say in the matter though

Is it just your toddler going or are you going with them too?

That's the way it should be. A friend of mine got in a relationship when her oldest son was about 2. They treat him just like any other grandchild. Even helped with childcare so my friend could work.

They got married and had a child together when he was 5. They had a second child when her oldest was 8.

He worked away so they drifted apart They split up a few years after they're second bio child. His parents told her ex husband they had cut her oldest child out of they're will. Not her husband's biological children they had just the step child. 😪😪😪

The decider is usually whether DSC has the full complement of both parents, DGP, etc..

If all the roles are filled, a lighter touch SC ‘bonus’ treatment it is from the extra adults. Otherwise DSC gets too much of everything - parenting, presents, inheritance, you name it. Holidays, even, OP.

If DSC is missing key adults in their life, birth child rights apply to them - the adults are substitute and replacements for their missing father, grandparents, and so on. Equal treatment with the bio kids, ruthlessly.

YANBU at all OP, there are lot of people commenting here that simply do not understand that this kind of dynamic is common and normal.

My DSS is not upset by lack of relationship to my family because this has never been an expectation of his at all. There is no drama needed.

People here just haven't experienced it so they don't get it.

Um, no. Her choosing to be with a man who has a child in no way obliges her family to extend anything other than basic kindness when they interact.

My brother is a stepfather. My parents are kind to the kid on the occasions they see him, but do they act as grandparents? No. I don’t act as an aunt either, and I’d find it weird if that was the expectation.