My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

As your post says your family aren't hugely involved with DSC then I’m assuming they live with their mum and sees dad at weekends maybe? If this is the case then no, I don’t think you should mention anything to them. How can they be more involved with a child they don’t really see?

If DSC sees their dad on a more regular basis like 50/50 and therefore they attend all of your family events and has done for the last 6 years then I can see where he’s coming from.
Is DSC’s mum remarried? If so, what are her new DH’s family like towards DSC as that’s the exact same situation (your shared DC isn’t the same as some have said as they obviously wouldn’t have any need to go to DSC home or see their family). If they live with mum the majority of the time then does he expect and would he be happy with new DH family being more involved in his DC’s life and calling them Granny and Grandad? Or is this the situation on ex’s side so he thinks your family should be the same?
I do think it all depends on the living arrangements and if they have regular contact and an actual relationship with the child.

Token gifts isn't part of the family.

Is it not? I give my many cousins "token gifts" they are still family though.

That's to do with your expectations again. If they didn't think of her as part of the family, they wouldn't be spending £20-30 each on gifts for a random child.

It would be nice if they did.step g children get treated the same in my family, but you certainly can’t insist on it if it isn’t the norm in yours.

So I think to have to acknowledge his feelings while saying this simply isn’t how many families work.

I’m assuming DSC has a mother? If not that’s different - and yes then I think they should pull their fingers out.

Did you not see the bit where the OP said her DH would pay for the DSC? Why are his motives immediately assumed to be malevolent? Sometimes in these scenarios no one is being unreasonable. It’s just that people have different approaches. This is one of such cases.

He's paying for someone else to look after his kid, someone who his child doesn't even know that well. Tbh depending on the set up I wouldn't be impressed if it was every other weekend and part of the holidays and DH was trying to avoid looking after his kids .

Exactly! My parents spend money on a "token gift" for the SDC. If they meant nothing they'd just get a card at best.

Is stepchild lives with you, rather than a weekend visitor, maybe relations would treat them more like bio grandchildren. They would see them more often, they would always be around. Your sister may feel able to cope with 3, but the older stepchild may be a step too far. Stepchild also has another whole family, mum's side, to treat them, so they won't be left out. If I was stepchild's mum, who may not know your sister at all, I'd query them holidaying together. She has no idea of their care standards etc.

These threads! If you were writing as the step-father you'd get annihilated for prioritising your DC over SDC. Not if you are the step-mum though apparently.

I think it's a bit off, to be honest. Of my cousins two where steps, and one was my (blood) cousins younger brother. All received equal Christmas gift etc from grandparents, though in our family it was only £10-20 gifts for everyone, so easier to match.

I think it's a little unfair that their seems to be a two tier level of child involvement. It's not really fair on DSC is it!

My youngest child is named after my amazing wonderful " step" grandad. I am happy he never thought that my being a "step"= i should be treated differently to his other grand children. He was the most amazing wonderful man.

I think it's a little unfair that their seems to be a two tier level of child involvement. It's not really fair on DSC is it
After divorce/split there seems to be a two tier level of parental involvement as well.
As PP said, you can't expect a fully equal family relationship with a SMs family to spring out of EOW and half the holidays when the child's actual paternal family would naturally be a priority for family time.

So I married my husband he had an 11 and 13 year old, and we went on to have two more.
My parents gave his kids gifts at Christmas, and not sure about birthdays (can't remember). They never had them out (but they didn't have ours either being well into their 70s by then). My sisters gave the boys presents if they (my sisters, as they lived abroad) were with us for Christmas but not if they didn't see them.
Surely your husband's family do stuff with his kids - not sure why that isn't enough? Frankly I don't know any blended family where the step side takes on such an active role as your husband is suggesting.

Are sc expected to have 4 extended families- maternal, paternal, stepmother's and stepfather's? I'm not sure that all sc would want to be split in so many directions

Does your h think that his oldest should be close to his sinks stepdad's family too?

I think your family is doing fine with the token gifts etc Stepchild wasn't chosen by your family in the same way that you chose him and I think that they sound very friendly.

The reality is that if your parent and stepparent break up, you never see the stepparent or extended family again. The extended family of stepparents are more like friends of your stepparent rather than your parent's family who (in theory) will always be in your life.

Step-grandchildren get treated exactly the same as bio-grandchildren in my family.

DH and I absolutely treat the DSC equally regardless of their 'status' in the family. We have no joint children.

We have no expectation of my parents doing the same, they only met when the DSC were in their thirties. They have not met them above a handful of times.

Apart from our wedding, there have been no joint get togethers or parties, no shared Christmases etc., entirely driven by the choices of the DSC themselves. My parents did not have any say in this approach, they invited them to visit when DH and I first got together. There was one visit and it was obvious that their world views were very different.

The important thing is that we, DH and I agree this approach and that it was entirely the choice of the DSC. We socialise with both sides of the family quite separately.

It would be quite odd if my parents felt much of a bond. They would always ask after DH's children whenever they met him and kept track of what was happening g in their lives. Absolutely different if they had met much earlier on the lives of the DSC. I was really not keen on the complications of blending families so did not get involved with anyone who already had younger DC

Why? They have their own mother and maternal family. Why would they even want to go on holiday with the sister of their stepmum? Perhaps they'd much prefer to have some time with dad without their younger sibling around. Perhaps their mum would not be happy with her child going away with virtual strangers instead of spending time with their dad.

People literally fall over themselves on here to make stepmums the villains and stepchildren poor neglected little souls without ever considering what those poor neglected little souls are actually comfortable with in terms of involvement from their stepmum and her family.

Your family are doing nothing at all wrong

I agree with you, it’s not something you should bring up with your family in a million years. So inappropriate and will just make them feel weird and awkward around DSS and probably hinder their relationship developing naturally!

Some people on MN insist that their entire extended family definitely sees their step child as the same in every way to their actual grandchildren, but in real life the majority of people will have a different relationship with a step child. Trying to force people to be more close than they naturally are with a child who is only connected to them because of who their adult offspring partnered with, is always going to end badly.

Ask your partner if his exes parents are going to start taking your child away then?

DSS has two sets of extended family via his parents. It’s lovely that your family are involving him and giving him presents etc, it sounds like a nice and thoughtful approach and he has the bonus of a nice, kind and welcoming extended step family. Perhaps over time they will naturally become even closer but telling them to force that…just no.

If I were your partners ex and my child was going on holiday with near strangers, extended family of their dad’s partners during his contact time I would go ballistic. His contact time is for HIM to spend with his child, not try and bulldoze your family into centring his child in their lives.

it’a never occurred to me to think of my brother’s stepchild as my nephew. He isn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t understand trying to force the nuclear family ideal onto blended families. By their very nature they are not the same, and will not operate the same.

Ask your partner if his exes parents are going to start taking your child away then?

That's different because ex and exes family has no connection to new child, step family do have a connection in some way to the step child.

It's a weird comparison. You can say they the step child doesn't need an extra family without comparing it to something that isn't a step relationship.

So it’s fair for the step DC to have four sets of actively involved ‘grandparents’ and all the associated time and gifts, while the DC have two?

Of course there is a two tier level of involvement. One child is their grandchild, another is their daughter’s step child. The relationship is different. People shouldn’t get into step families if they can’t handle the reality of what blended families mean or understand the complexities of step family relationships. Trying to bulldoze everyone into acting as if everyone they have any connection with must be absolutely equal in all ways is really immature and unrealistic and will never end well.

Are sc expected to have 4 extended families- maternal, paternal, stepmother's and stepfather's? I'm not sure that all sc would want to be split in so many directions

Exactly! Poor kids. Much better to have their two close relationships with their biological extended families, and pleasant friendly relationships with the step parents' relatives. Otherwise it kind of dilutes the importance of their own extended families, and gets confusing..

@Ontomatopea do you give some token gifts and others generous ones?

As that's what is happening here.