My husband thinks my family should be more involved and that I need to speak with them? AIBU to tell him his expectations are off

[Tetetete]

My husband has an older child from his previous relationship and we share Dc too.

I met DSC when they were 5 and they are now 11. Our DC is a toddler.

Basically my family has never hugely been involved with DSC. They are nice when they see them but they don't go out of their way to see / talk about them etc... They get a token gift for Christmas from a couple of members of my family and my parents chuck a tenner in a card for their birthdays that sort of thing. I've always thought this was fine, they aren't their grandkids / nephew at the end of the day. Admittedly our son is spoilt a lot by my family but again, always thought that was fine and fair enough.

Anyway, he's made little comments in the past but basically my sister has asked if she can take our toddler with her and her husband and their DC to their holiday home during the summer as they also have a young child and our DC gets on well with them. We can't afford a holiday this year so thought it was great for our DC and was very grateful.

Anyway, my husband has now let all of this out that he thinks my family should make more effort with their 'stepgrandchild/nephew' and it's been bugging him for a while and I should speak to them about it. He seems pissed that I'm not pissed about it. I think they are entirely reasonable and it's their right and choice how involved they wish to be.

My sister does also have another DC similar age to DSC so he thinks why couldn't DSS go too and has said he'll pay if that's the issue. But his wider issue just seems to be around the fact the DC aren't treated the same.

AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and to say there's no way I'm bringing this up with my family and making out like they are doing something wrong.

You could say the exes family have a connection with the sibling of their grandchild?

I absolutely agree and have said this many times in these threads. Step mothers are allowed to show a modicum of tolerance but step fathers are to treat them like their own and they would accept nothing less.
Disclaimer: I am a step parent.

We have no expectation of my parents doing the same, they only met when the DSC were in their thirties. They have not met them above a handful of times.

This sort of thing is understandable. For us, the step grandchildren were all under 10 when they joined the family, and grandparents saw them a lot more, had visits at their house etc.

I also think it's different when a step-child only has one parent, and doesn't have the other. So has a mum, but dad isn't around, then I think stepdad's take on more of a "real dad role" and would expect the grandparent's to see that and take on their role more iyswim.

In the case of one step-grandchild, when needed grandparents have had both the SGC and the bio GC sibling over to stay for weekends when needed etc.

There are many factors, but the way it's worked out in mine is that they're all seen the same.

Presumably the child isn’t calling OP Mum. Why should they be encouraged to call other relatives names that derive form being related to a parent, when OP is not the DSC’s parent and the DSC has two perfectly good parents of their own?

To my mind it would make a difference if the step child lived full time with OP and had no mother/mother’s family in their life.

The stepchild will be getting the generous gifts from his own family. The token gifts are a bonus. And I say this as someone whose parents actually do spend the exact same amount on their 3 sgc (4 in my dad's case, 2 of these are mine) as they do on their bio grandkids. It was never expected or demanded, I think it's possibly because my older brother's stepson became part of the family at a very young age and he is considered 'ours' because his paternal family have zero involvement.

However, every situation is different and each should be taken on it's own merit. My mum is lovely to my step kids, but there's no question she loves my bio kids in a totally different way and they come first for her. She's incredibly kind with my step kids though, they're invited for dinner/Christmas etc if they're with us, included on an annual day out she does with all the grandkids. They're not however included in the annual panto trip, because they go with their mum and her family.

@HaveringWavering why do people keep conflating being treated like family and being made to call people mum, grandma and aunty.

Christ alive

No it's not at all. The step grandchildren get token gifts. The grandchildren get gifts. The step is important.

If my parents spent as much on DSC as they do my DC at christmas they would be somewhat bewildered and uncomfortable.

It's not normal for me either. My MIL welcomed my existing children in a way that made me love her.

Anyway OP. If he wants to talk to your family about it he can go ahead but he won't he wants to emotionally manipulate you so you do it.

OP, what does your DSC’s mother think about the suggestion that her child should go on holiday with your sister, without you and your DH being there?

It has just struck me that I have ate cousins! Is that a thing??

anyway my aunt married a man who has children. I have met them once - at the wedding.

I can’t remember their names - I am sure my parents don’t know their names.

I Assume we would all feel differently about them if they had lived with my aunt full time since childhood - but why would we think of people we barely know in the same way as our cousins?

@Ontomatopea the step being important is what's wrong about this situation

Step cousins not are cousins 😂

Step cousins? I have some of them. Never really see them

@alphapie because if you are insisting that anything less than a full pretence of the exact same relationship existing in terms of behaviour and treatment is cold and awful, why would you then say that using the title isn't necessary or too far? It seems a bit silly.
Just own it.

Oooog controversial. Would you say stepdaughters aren't daughter's????

I disagree. It is vitally important to allow everyone to just be who they are to each other. No need to force relationships that aren't there. Just get to know and potentially love someone as an individual.

@Mellowyellow222
Don't eat your cousin's - we have rules about that sort for thing!

Then MIL and partner broke up and his "new family" disappeared

That's very sad. When my bio uncle broke up with his partner, his parents remained in contact with his ex and her children.
I still call her my auntie! Her children are still my cousins and we have each other on Facebook and they've met my daughter. She's my daughter's grand-aunt.

My uncle never even married her, just had a long-term co-habiting relationship and a shared child.

My uncle is useless though. He fucked off and didn't even bother with the child that was actually his that he had with ex.

Even if they are step cousins😂.

my cousin (whose mum got married) told me quite firmly there wasn’t such a thing as step cousins!

Yes, quite.

Just because there isn’t absolute equality and parity doesn’t mean that relationships won’t be enriching or rewarding for both the kids and the step relations. It’s just acknowledging that those children already have two sets of grandparents and anything on top of that is a bonus.

I’ve known of a few blended families where the bio and step parent would swear up and down the dc are seen as equal in the eyes of their respective families, but the grandparents/aunts/uncles behind the scenes make it obvious that isn’t the case.

He's being totally ridiculous. Would be lovely if they wanted to but a massive amount of extra work.

What's he going to pay for? The equivalent of a nanny charge for the week for the extra child?

If they wanted the dsc, they'd have asked. Do not complain that they don't want to spend more time/effort with children that they'd have no real link with if you split up

Your h should be considering some special one on one time with his eldest while your son is away. I don't necessarily mean an equivalent holiday but there may be activities that they can't do normally because your youngest can't join in or something grown up that will be easier without the youngest around.

This is the equivalent of one child being invited to a sleepover while the other hasn't. Your h needs to see the opportunities that this presents and not assume that it's unfair.

Does DSS have 2 sets of GPs, the same as yours?

Because, well, why would they need an extra set just because their parents split up?!

Let your toddler go with your sister, OP.