Would a toddler wet himself on purpose to be naughty ?

[Sweaty84]

DS1 is 3 (only just).

He is a handful. Regular meltdowns and puts up a fight over most things. His speech therapist said he is neurodivergent apparently.

We have managed to potty train him, just about. He now does wees in the potty or loo. (Seems terrified of doing a poo in the potty however).

DH has both DS on Fridays and it's always bloody awful. Much worse than all the other days. He always takes the meltdowns personally and it always escalates. DH is never aggressive but he does get v frustrated. I tell him to calm down.

Anyway today our DS has wet himself 6 times. Every time during a tantrum or when he's being told off. All this week he hasn't had one accident until today.

DH says DS is wetting himself as a protest. Like he's being naughty. He is doing it in defiance. This sounds crazy to me. I think he is doing it because today has been horrible where DS is stressed and he needs cuddles and reassurance even if he has just been naughty

I just don't think a 3 Yr old has the thought process to do something like that to get attention or wind us up.

What do others think?

Yanbu, your ds is distressed and unhappy. If a child is being scolded for doing that, I would think they would try their best not to do it. Your ex is being ridiculous to think a 3yo is doing this to get his way.

I personally think some children CAN, which I’m sure a lot of posters won’t.
But I definitely don’t think it sounds like your child is :(

Of course children that age can do something out of protest, children can control very little, their bodily functions are one of the few things they have total 'say' over.

I wouldn't say he was doing it to be 'naughty' but it's definitely a choice to go 6 times in his pants when he is potty trained.

My friends son would poo behind the sofa at 3 if he was pissed off about anything and in full tantrum mode.

I completely agree with you. Your DS is not being naughty, he’s distressed.

I understand that tantrums and meltdowns can be stressful but your DH really needs to read some parenting books/listen to some podcasts that will help him see that your son should not be scolded for this sort of behaviour. Otherwise this is just going to get worse and worse, for both of them.

My son did for about a year!
If we went somewhere and he was bored and wanted to go home, he’d wet himself. If he was angry with me for putting him on the step, he’d wet himself.etc

Load of absolute shit. A child's brain is not developed enough to understand the gravity of manipulation at that age. Your husband is lacking parenting skills to the point your child is wetting himself in distress. That's a really big issue.

I wouldn't leave him alone with the children to be honest, it doesn't sound like he can handle it.

DH has both DS on Fridays and it's always bloody awful. Much worse than all the other days. He always takes the meltdowns personally and it always escalates.

3 year olds aren’t really neurologically developed enough to calm down by themselves. They use their caregivers to self regulate. If caregivers are not calm, there’s absolutely no hope of the child calming, unless they’re just shutting down - definitely not what you want. You know this OP, but your DH really needs to know it too.

So for example DS started shouting because I wouldn't give him a snack before dinner. He pushed me slightly. DH picks up DS and puts him in the other room shouting "do not push your mother". DS is left by himself for 1 min. He wets himself. DH says to protest being put in the other room. I say because we have made him anxious .

Wrong, most children can learn how to get certain responses from their parents from 15 months?

Sounds like he's missing you op?
If it happens more when he's with dad?

Your husband needs support - it does not sound like he is coping well and your son is suffering the consequences. Is your son awaiting further assessment? Your husband sounds immature and "all about me"-he needs to switch to thinking how he can make his son feel happier and more secure in his care. I'd seek alternative care for Fridays, for now.

Erm well when my daughter was nearly too I asked her to go for a wee on the toilet, she screamed "nah" then weed on the floor whilst smiling. So I think they can. But I think your son there is more to it. He probably feels completely out of control in the meltdown and weeing is something he can have control over. He also might be craving the attention he will receive when he's getting changed. I would say it is deliberate but not necessarily naughty more a cry for help.

Who comes running when he wets himself?

A 3 year old in nursery I used to care for would wee and poo all over at home.
She’d smear it all over the walls and floor also.

Never once did at nursery.

she was adopted and had a very complicated relationship with her adopted parents.

It certainly can be a choice at this age.

No

Sounds like he's scared

DH picks up DS and puts him in the other room shouting "do not push your mother". DS is left by himself for 1 min. He wets himself. DH says to protest being put in the other room. I say because we have made him anxious .

This is horrific.

A child that age lacks the ability to hold in wee for any length of time. So it’s literally that he’s been confined alone with no way to say he needs a wee or a place to wee, so he’s wet himself. Being stressed only reduces the ability to hold in wee…in adults we have to be jump scared to wee ourselves but in a 3yr old just being shouted at by a full size adult is enough to scare the wee out of them.

Your DH needs to stop shouting at your DS.

Of course a 3 year old can do things for attention!

If autism is being suggested here, there could be so many things going on - sensory issues, emotional overwhelm, anxiety etc. Autistic people just do not see the world the same way as neuro typical people, and it leads to lots of conflict if not understood. Your husband needs to calm down and learn about parenting a neurodiverse child.

This is upsetting to read. He sounds really distressed.
Your husband is a bully.

DD used to wet herself every time I fed her new born sister for a while after the baby was born. That was definitely deliberate.

Its common for children older than him, to wet themselves when stressed anxious or scared.

The problem is DH's handling of the children. not your son.

I used to deliberately shit myself in public to embarrass my guardians and show my discontent at whatever I was being subjected to at that point in time, so I suppose it's not at all unrealistic to think a child might deliberately pee themselves.

It wasn't because I was 'stressed' or anything either. They used to insist on going into shops I hated, so if making my legs go limp to force them to drag/carry me didn't work, I'd wait until we got there and then deliberately shit myself. Pure spite and temper, no other reason.

Absolutely not. 3ys don't have the capacity to think things through like that.

I remember one time when DS was around the same age and appeared to wet himself deliberately (in that he was fully toilet trained and literally standing next to a loo when it happened)- we were in the waiting area at A&E waiting for his sister to be seen for a head injury (one toddler with a head injury, the other covered in piss, a parenting low) and we were all incredibly stressed and worried, and this was the way DS's stress and worry manifested.

It does sound as if it might be related to your DP being more combative with him, given that the days he has him are the worst. Has DS had a formal diagnosis of ND? Another thought, does your DP take him to the loo enough in the day generally? If he's walking around with a full bladder he's much more likely to wet himself when upset.

@Discovereads nope, by 24 months most children are able to control their bowel and bladder, with some degree of holding if not able to go to the loo immediately.

OPs child was in a room for a minute and wet themselves.