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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this fair? £800 spent only on one of four children?

235 replies

fairfayrefare · 15/07/2022 06:47

My dad has four children and has been speaking about getting my brother a new bike which costs around £800 for his birthday. He is the only boy and us others are girls. We are all adults well into our 40's.

We all work. Most minimum wage jobs but brother probably has the least disposable income due to house/family costs.

I just got a card for my birthday this year.

Is that fair?

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 15/07/2022 06:50

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

Both.
It’s totally understandable to feel upset; it’s not fair. But no one is obliged to be ‘fair’, not even our parents.

Albanyriver · 15/07/2022 06:54

How you feel is understandable. Unfairness seems to be ingrained in some parents. A member of my family bought one adult child a new 30k car…..the other siblings got nothing.

Greenberg · 15/07/2022 06:55

NoSquirrels · 15/07/2022 06:50

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

Both.
It’s totally understandable to feel upset; it’s not fair. But no one is obliged to be ‘fair’, not even our parents.

I disagree.

I think there is a moral obligation on parents to be fair, within reason. This is such blatant favouritism. The present is not a necessity, it's a want.

I'm also assuming OP that this isn't the first time that your brother has been treated better than you otherwise you might not have been so upset. Is this right?

Shakeitshakeitbaby · 15/07/2022 06:57

My dad has always give my brother much more than me. Which is ridiculous as my brother has far more savings and disposable income than me. He also gave him 5k for a car before he had even passed his driving test. I got nothing towards any car.

carefullycourageous · 15/07/2022 06:57

It is not fair, clearly, but many parents do this. I would review how your family is overall and it may be that this is just one syptom of a disordered parent?

What you can't do at 40+ is whinge about it to the parent to get them to spend on you too, IMO. You have to try to look at it and deal with it more thoroughly IMO.

ImFuminHun · 15/07/2022 06:57

NoSquirrels · 15/07/2022 06:50

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

Both.
It’s totally understandable to feel upset; it’s not fair. But no one is obliged to be ‘fair’, not even our parents.

No one in the world is 'obliged to be fair'.

It doesn't make them less of a dickhead though.

YANBU OP. At all.

Original poster
fairfayrefare · 15/07/2022 06:59

Yes you are correct they have had large ticket household items and other things almost paid for on the sly, but later slipped out so we know.

It's strange because I really don't actually want his money. I earn my own and take pride in that.

I also get in well with brother and don't want to begrudge him anything.

I think it is the moral aspect of the unfairness because I would absolutely it treat anyone like this. I've always spent the same on family members, even things like if our children have friends round. They cannot have an ice cream etc unless there is enough for them all.

OP posts:
KellynchHall · 15/07/2022 07:00

We aren't strictly speaking fair. For Christmas middle DS got a gaming PC costing much more than the other twos presents. But elder DC already had one and youngest has no interest. Everyone got presents they enjoyed and to an extent wanted/ needed. If I had been perfectly fair I would have had to spend £££ on crap for the other two so their presents were equal value.

But I can understand as adult DC you would expect it to be more fair. Does your brother have a 'tougher' life than the rest of your? Or is he the favourite because he's a boy?

girlmom21 · 15/07/2022 07:05

I think if you're all adults in your 40s your parents will have a reason for helping one of you out a bit more.

Lingoflaming · 15/07/2022 07:08

I'd be leaving all the elderly care to brother if I were in your shoes as he's the golden child. Your dad favours you more than his other children so you're under no obligation to be his carer later on.

Original poster
fairfayrefare · 15/07/2022 07:08

girlmom21 · 15/07/2022 07:05

I think if you're all adults in your 40s your parents will have a reason for helping one of you out a bit more.

Does it make it any more or less fair depending on what the reason is?

Favouritism

Subsidy for the fact they have more bills / less disposable income

Somehow trying to win approval (this sibling visits the least, us others are the ones taking to appointments/shopping etc)

OP posts:
daffodilandtulip · 15/07/2022 07:31

I only have one sibling and favouritism is just one of the reasons I am now no contact with the abusive lot.
I've always had a token few notes in a card for birthdays. Sister always had carefully chosen, expensive gifts; plus a household item/room decorated/new carpet/white good on top.
I'm always very careful to treat my two the same. They might not have exactly the same spent on them, but they always just have one expensive item plus around the same amount of smaller items for Christmas/birthdays, so it appears similar, even if the ££ are not identical.

3WildOnes · 15/07/2022 07:31

I am pretty sure my parents have helped me out financially considerably more than they have helped out my siblings, to the tune of tens of thousands. My siblings are older , earn more and my family wanted to help us buy a house. They would have helped out my siblings as well but they wouldn't have needed as much as us.

Hurstlandshome · 15/07/2022 07:34

I hate the 'fair' debate. You should be able to give your money to whomsoever you wish.

Your dad wants to treat his son and will probably get a lot of gratification from handing the bike over. He might not want to spend another £2400. Let him live.

girlmom21 · 15/07/2022 07:40

@fairfayrefare but it doesn't need to be 'fair'. It's your parents money to do with as they will.

If one of you had a £20 school trip as children were the others given £20? If one of you had a £1500 wedding dress was the other limited to £1500 too? If they chose a cheaper dress were they given the difference?

Do you all spend the exact same amount on your parents at birthdays and Christmas?

Do you all have the exact same amount of support from them and give them the exact same amount?

Could the bike be the difference between your brother being able to commute to a fancy new job or not?

entropynow · 15/07/2022 07:41

You're all in your 40s? Blimey. Honestly I couldn't get worked up about this (and yes, I've been in the same situation with a lot more than a few hundred quid involved).
Primary school was a long time ago mate.

luxxlisbon · 15/07/2022 07:55

You are fixated on the fairness of it all but fair actually doesn’t mean equal.
If it fair if he gave you all £100 and the other siblings could spend it on fun but one had to spend it on bills?

You are in your 40s, you have more disposable money than your brother anyway, just get on with your life.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 15/07/2022 08:01

My mother in law is very much like this; she and SIL actively squirm when my kids are fighting/not sharing and I say things to the children like “we should share things, sharing is caring, let’s make things fair to everybody” etc. Also about lying. It’s just a concept they don’t understand, every man for himself is more their bag and was actively encouraged in a weird King Lear thing by their grandfather:

when SIL writes FB posts about their kind caring mother who treats them all the same, i don’t recognise those words at all.

Original poster
fairfayrefare · 15/07/2022 08:01

luxxlisbon · 15/07/2022 07:55

You are fixated on the fairness of it all but fair actually doesn’t mean equal.
If it fair if he gave you all £100 and the other siblings could spend it on fun but one had to spend it on bills?

You are in your 40s, you have more disposable money than your brother anyway, just get on with your life.

You know this is actually what I intend to do. There really isn't any other option.

I guess I just wanted to sense check if my feelings were valid.

Out of interest so you spend different amounts on family members and if so is there a reason for this?

OP posts:
Original poster
fairfayrefare · 15/07/2022 08:03

Hurstlandshome · 15/07/2022 07:34

I hate the 'fair' debate. You should be able to give your money to whomsoever you wish.

Your dad wants to treat his son and will probably get a lot of gratification from handing the bike over. He might not want to spend another £2400. Let him live.

Let a man live. That's a very fair point.

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 15/07/2022 08:06

It's not fair but not uncommon in some families. In mine my brother was the golden child. New bike, own room, own TV, could behave how he liked. My sister and I had to make do. He was also given a deposit for a flat when he left home. My DM made it clear her assets were going only to him. It was a wider family trait too. Boys were seen as prince's, girls as servants.

But you know what? It hasn't done him any favours. He completely lacks empathy and compassion and has done some callous things. He's stuck in a bad marriage and made some bad decisions. I am NC with him and the rest of my family. Leave them to it.

I don't focus on anything I might be missing out on. I am very grateful not to be him. It's a win as far as I'm concerned. You can waste a lot of energy getting frustrated about this.

BoJoGoGo · 15/07/2022 08:09

I wouldn’t be worrying about it if I was in my 40’s, maybe if I was 10 and my brother got a bike and I got a card but not 40’s.

MarsQueen · 15/07/2022 08:10

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
fairfayrefare · 15/07/2022 08:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Completely get that especially having seen some examples on this thread.

I think I have a particularly strong moral compass and that draws my attention to what I deem as unfairness.

At the start of the year around my birthday it was all oh no presents for anyone this year etc etc now it's brothers birthday next week and the tune has changed to can you take me to collect his bike!

OP posts:
pinkstinks · 15/07/2022 08:21

What would they say if you gently called them out? Ie “oh, I thought this was a no presents year?! When did that change!”