Is this fair? £800 spent only on one of four children?

[fairfayrefare]

My dad has four children and has been speaking about getting my brother a new bike which costs around £800 for his birthday. He is the only boy and us others are girls. We are all adults well into our 40's.

We all work. Most minimum wage jobs but brother probably has the least disposable income due to house/family costs.

I just got a card for my birthday this year.

Is that fair?

Am I right to be annoyed that we are being treated differently or should I accept it's his money to do as he pleases?

I wouldn’t be bothered that he was buying him a bike but talk about rubbing salt in the wounds asking you to pick it up! At that point I would have had to say something about no presents this year.

You know what OP - I think there are two separate things here - what you do about it, and how you allow yourself to feel about it.

In terms of what you do about it - I think you're right to let it go.

In terms of how you feel about it - I think it is healthy to admit to yourself that you feel a bit upset and annoyed about it. You've said you are a fair person (as am I) and seeing someone else (especially your parent) being unfair is upsetting. Yes we need to make sure we are not being over sensitive. But at the same time we need to allow ourselves to feel stuff. If you tell yourself you're not allowed to feel upset, it's a bit like telling yourself you're not worth enough to feel sad about being treated unfairly. I'm not sure it's helpful for people here to say you shouldn't be bothered.

I just wanted to come on to say that I know you asked if it was fair & you've received lots of messages on this. I don't agree with them all but that's MN, opinions vary & are interesting to read.
What I think if I put myself in your position would be that I'd feel hurt. I think it's ok to feel hurt & explore that. You might not get a satisfactory answer as to why but you're right to sense & identify it. Then you can figure out if it's worth doing anything about, even if that's just shrugging & moving on.
I hear ya.

You know the simple answer is to not do these things. Leave it to you brother.

I think parents should be scrupulously fair unless their are mitigating circumstances.

My younger brother growing up received much much much more expensive presents than I did (he was from my mother’s second marriage to my stepfather), presumably because my stepfather just wanted to spend more on his bio son, and my brother was my mother’s favourite child (not just in my view, everyone outside our family picked up on this). I very much minded and noticed, made me feel unloved and forgotten, I couldn’t wait to move out as soon as I turned 17.

Yes the parents can spend how they like, but the repercussions maybe a cooling of the parent / child relationship.

I would completely understand if in all other ways parents were fair, but one child had cancer, lost their job through no fault of their own, etc and parents gave money for that child to help out, but not for gifts - that’s a want not a need.

Why have multiple children if you are going to treat them differently? Some of the responses from posters here remind my of my own blinkered mother who didn’t realise how awful it is to treat children differently.

I totally get where you're coming from OP and I would be resentful too.

In our family, as adults, we have had different amounts of money from our parents at different times, but they have always made it clear that it will even out over time and in the will if not before.

I would say something. It doesn't have to be a big drama, but especially if he's expecting you to help him collect the bike, I would say "dad, it's your money to do with as you wish, but I feel a bit sad that you expect me to help collect an expensive present for my brother when you only gave me a card. We help you out loads and don't begrudge it, but brother does nothing and you seem to treat him as a favourite."

Then it's up to your dad what he does, but he can't pretend you haven't noticed. I'd also be a bit less available and I certainly wouldn't collect the bike.

*there (autocorrect played me again)

@Pheasantplucker2 well said!!

My DB got much better presents than me as a child (Millenium Falcon etc all Star Wars stuff, plus snooker table) but he was chronically asthmatic as a child and almost died twice. My DM did make up for it a bit when I was a teenager with more money spent on me for other things. When we were DC we were fairly poor though.

OP - I wouldn't worry too much here, it's a one off gift. Presumably your DB will be using it to cycle to work and/or to get fit which is a good thing.

Fairness doesn't always equal the same though. I had a lot of practical help from my dad, he would come round and do odd jobs. My sister married a very handyman so didn't need anything like that, but has been given money.

There is also sometimes the case that the parents spend more on the dc they don't see as much because they want to see more of them and are trying to buy their affection in a way..

Hi! Do you get thankyou cards/presents for people like Brownie/Guide/Scout leaders and piano/dance teachers at the end of the school year? We do little gifts (max £5 pp) and handmade cards for teachers and TAs, but that's already £30 spent and all my bills are going up at the moment... I do kinda feel like I should get something for the Brownie/Guide leaders as they're volunteers...but there are 4 of them! What do you do?
Same question at Christmas. Thanks!!

It’s his money to do as he pleases, but a history of unequal treatment like this affects relationships.

I don’t believe things always have to be equal with every individual thing, but with parents, children should know that overall things are pretty much fair or if they’re not, there’s a good reason.

My partner has 2 siblings, the oldest has always been ‘helped’, given things the others haven't, can do no wrong, it’s a really fucked up dynamic and has affected all of their relationships, parent child and sibling ones. This sibling is not a particular low earner, no health needs, no traumatic events, he’s just favoured and it’s really weird. Of course the parents can do whatever they like, but they have to accept the consequences, and that’s been a lack of closeness to their other children.

On the other hand, my friends sister has had a really bad few years. My friends parents have really helped her out, both with money and their time. My friend is of course fine with this, her sister really needed help getting back on her feet, my friend has helped her too. No bad feeling, they’re family and one of them was in need.

Usually on MN it is the daughter who is gifted more than the son. Anecdotally, I know loads of my friends who have always been the favoured ones in terms of childcare and house deposits. I think there is some research to support this. I think it is common in Western societies.
I love my siblings and it never really bothered me when some were helped more than others but it was generally in response to need. My MIL favoured her daughter over her son but I saw how much pleasure it gave her and I found it hard to begrudge the happiness and joy it brought to mother and daughter.It truly did not bother me (it wasn't huge sums). It certainly didn't bother my husband which was the main thing.

My sister is the golden child, along with her 3 DC. My other DS and I are treated totally differently, maybe because we don’t have DC. My Mothers will splits everything equally between her 3 dc and 3 GC. Fuck it, they can look after her now she is in the early stages of dementia.

You can’t change your dad’s behaviour so the easiest thing is to come to terms with it. Can you and your sisters joke together about how ridiculous it is that your dad has a transparent favourite? I’d try and turn it into a silly habit rather than bear a grudge, it isn’t your brother’s fault that your dad is sexist.

Very much depends on personal circumstances.
we have our eldest several thousand pounds towards a house deposit a couple of years ago. Their much younger sibling didn’t need such money at that time. No doubt we’ll help them in future.

Does your brother need a bike to get to work? We’re looking at them atm and the prices are shocking.

My partners mother and her sisters had this all their lives with their one brother.

Yet when the time came they were still expected to be their fathers default carers, not their life long indulged brother by both their father and said brother. The final insult was dad then sneakily left all his estate including a house to greedy brother, who had done zero caring and not the daughters who had cared for him( He had stated rather deviously. That of course it would be shared out fairly with those looking after him).
So you and your sisters would well be within your rights, when your dad could well need help in his later years. That with your dads obvious devotion between the two, your brother will of course be the one to care for dad and not you ladies.

I bet when your dad is older and needing help it will be his daughters he thinks of first, not his son.

Good grief. So the OP is supposed to think of all the pleasure he will get from buying his son something. Doesn't that just rub in the fact that he gets no pleasure from doing anything for the OP? Yet she is the one who's expected to do all the running around for him. Including taking the father to buy the bike for her brother.

OP I hope you at least tell your dad to make his own arrangements for collecting the bike, and stop being so available to do all the other things he expects you to do. You obviously love your brother so I'm not going to say make him pick up the slack, but you don't have to do it either. Your dad should have to work something out for himself.

Had the same with the in-laws. They got DH nothing out of ordinary for a milestone birthday and had the nerve to ask us to rearrange a birthday meal for his sister to get there.
On the same milestone birthday for the golden sister, she had a holiday and all expenses paid for her.
In their eyes it was fair because she married a deadbeat and I was not that female equivalent for their son.
It never changes, the favouritism is still rife today and we are NC for many reasons.

I think it is unfair and a huge disparity. I wouldn't get worked up if my parents spent more on the poorest sibling as an adult but I would be pissed off if they couldn't even bother to buy me a small token on my birthday when they were lavishing extravagant gifts on a sibling. I am sure op if your Dad was unable to afford any gifts and just gave all of you a card that you would feel entirely happy with that because it s the though that counts, but if the thought is this child deserves a big ticket gift and this one deserves none then that is favouritism and I would distance myself in your situation. Your Dad has made it clear how he feels about you.

Lots of parents do this. I had a friend whose parent said their will would be split amongst the 3 children. What they didnt say is that it wasnt a third split. It was massively in favour of one of the children. They never mentioned it during their lifetime.

It was a horrible thing to do and they left the Executor role to the child getting the least amount as the golden child wasnt even living in the UK and they didnt want to bother them doing all the paperwork.

Our wills are 50% to each child. That wont change.

I wonder if the posters who say it’s all fine and up to the dad what he does, would do the same to their own children? How would you justify spending £800 on one’s birthday and just a card for the others?

I think this is a really weird response, and there are some others too. I have two siblings - one has no money so we all chip in and help him and no one begrudges what is spent as we can all see he struggles financially due to ill health. Both my other sibling and I have fairly decent incomes and are self sufficient. If my parents suddenly decided to buy my self sufficient sibling a really expensive birthday present and gave me a card, of course I would be hurt. Whilst it is up to them what they spend their money on the equality of it would sting. I think that is a fairly natural response to most people to be honest.

I don’t think that anyone can say whether it’s fair because we don’t know the family dynamics. I’m given money because I’m one of society’s failures (in a financial sense only) due to autism (not saying all autistics are failures!) and I’m sure my brother would be perfectly happy with this because he owns a lot of money and it’s clear my mum loves him.

My sister (who has a terrible relationship with my mum) would think very differently.